jump out, jump out, get your groove on [i lit a joint and burned my eyebrow] <$BlogRSDURL$>

Friday, February 11, 2005

we could leave this town and run forever 

This can only mean one thing, people... it's moving day! That's right, I have moved to a new blog. It's just time for that. Anyway, let's get to the good stuff. Here's the new address:


You can still link to ILJ if you like, since it's not like I'm taking it down or anything. In fact, it's linked at least 3 times at the new digs. But enough of this chitchat- get your ass over to the new crib to chill out.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

living just to find emotion 

I'm thinking of moving the blog. How does that strike you? (Not deleting it, just giving it some new digs.)

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

the ghost in you 

Well, here we are. It's the post-Superbowl slump that I always seem to get into. Maybe this means I should try to focus less energy on football in the future? Nah. That's crazy talk.

You may have guessed that I don't have very much going on right now and, thus, I have nothing good to write about. So, I'll post this picture of my new boots:
maybe not the prettiest, girliest boots ever, but holy fuck are they ever comfortable
and I will provide with a list. It's the least that I can do. I mean, does it get much worse than this? Football is over (Pro Bowl is fun, but it doesn't really count), there's no NHL season this year, produce is expensive, and it's still goddamned February. I may have to go insane.

Things That Annoy Me To No End

1) fruit flies (if you have roomies/significant others who leave food lying around on the counter, then you probably feel my pain)

2) shoelaces coming untied when it's wet/slushy/muddy outside (especially if i've already stepped on them a couple of times)

3) not having a garage in which to park my car (i have no one but myself to blame)

4) getting my hair cut and having not even one person notice until i mention it

5) looking for a lightbulb and not being able to find one less than 100 watts

6) buying a new jar of mustard and then finding a half-full one at the back of the fridge

7) people who claim to be vegetarians, yet still eat fish and chicken (dude... eating any kind of animal disqualifies you from vegetarianism, and don't EVEN try to tell me about the 'exceptions')

8) people who keep calling and refuse to leave messages on the phone ('i'll just call back later'- what are you, psychic? do you know exactly when the person will be back? no? then maybe you should just get over yourself and leave a goddamned message already)

9) insistance that snowboarding is better than skiing (one isn't better than the other- they're both equal)

10) going to the supermarket not once, but twice, and both times coming back with everything but what i meant to get

Monday, February 07, 2005

if i could find you now things would get better 

Yeah, I'm disappointed. But you know how it is- too many turnovers does not a football game win. Either way, I'm still proud of the Eagles for getting to the Superbowl to begin with. We'll be back next year... and we'll be better. Oh, and because I'm a way better sport than everybody on earth combined, congrats to the Patriots.

And just like that? I'm all out of words.
donovan congratulates tom on a job well done.

Friday, February 04, 2005

crack up in the sun, lose it in the shade 

Do you have a drink already? If not, you might want to go grab one of these from the bar. Or maybe you'd like some of these instead?

So, what IS this, you ask? Dude, did you not get the invitation yesterday? And if you did, why the hell didn't you read it? It's the ILJ 1st birthday bash, and we're going to party all day. Or maybe that's just me. Either way, pull up a chair, grab a beverage, and stay awhile.

i lit a joint... is definitely not the most interesting blog out there. It's not the prettiest, and the writing found on it is not exactly eloquent. If anything, it's pretty goddamned boring on most days, the layout is none too special, and the language (holy shit, the language!) used here is downright crass and offensive. On the other hand, things do tend to get exciting here once in awhile, sometimes I get it right and the layout looks pretty good, and a lot of times you can actually find words posted that you can be proud to add to your vocabulary. I didn't start this blog so that people would like me (that's just a given- I'm the most fucking likeable person on the planet... and not just because my mom tells me that). I didn't start it to be trendy. You know what? Who cares about this shit? Happy birthday ILJ. This past year has been a slice and a half, so let's just keep the insanity going. It's time to party, goddammit. In honour of this occasion, here is a list I posted at some point in the past (and had to go through pretty much all of the archives to find because my brain doesn't work), and the first really good post that ever appeared on ILJ. Stop sipping that booze like a pussy lounge act- CHUG ALREADY, BECAUSE THE KEG IS HERE!!!!

Funniest list EVER on ILJ:

Ten Things To Do To Get Fired From a Job You Hate (Doesn't apply to my job, though. My job rocks your ass. That's right. Yours.)

1) Instead of refilling the photocopier with toner, fill it with RED INK.

2) Tell your boss that you're pretty sure the Rogaine isn't working... and has he ever considered hair plugs?

3) Insist on using hard-core porn scenes as the wallpaper on your computer monitor. And make sure there are SOUNDS to go with it.

4) Fill the coffee maker with motor oil.

5) Always call your annoying co-worker a name that isn't hers/his when referring to her/him, especially in front of your boss. Example: 'Good morning, Skanky Bitch Whore!'

6) When your boss asks you if you have received the e-mail he/she sent you, always say no. Even if it gets sent five times.

7) Steal all the rolls of toilet paper from the washroom stalls, and keep them at your desk. If people ask you to return them, tell them you must charge them a fee per use. The fee should be no less than a dollar per four squares of paper.

8) Remove all blue and black pens from the supply room, and replace them with pink, purple, and green sparkle gel pens. Keep the blue and black ones in a jar on your desk.

9) Walk into the office of your boss, get up on a chair and start dancing insanely. When he/she asks you to get down, tell him/her that you already are 'getting down', 'what, are you fucking blind or something?

10) If none of the above tickles your fancy, well, you can always just steal shit from co-workers right in front of them . I'm told this works quite well if you really want to get fired.

First really good post on ILJ:


I am not a very nice person. This is something that gets brought up in certain conversations again and again, until it has become near impossible for me to ignore it any longer. The thing is, I used to always think I was a pretty decent person. I mean, at the very least, a tolerable person. But honestly, I do find myself questioning that quite a bit these days. I have already discussed my extreme lack of patience on this blog, but that impatience could very well be where my 'not niceness' stems from. Actually, fuck this 'could very well be' crap. I am plainly and simply a bitch. When I meet someone for the first time, even though I am polite, I secretly wonder what the hell they want from me. When someone does something too nice for me out of the blue, with no prompting whatsoever, I wonder what awful thing they must have done behind my back for them to want to make things up to me so desperately. I am indeed that much of a bitch. If I do something nice for someone, I always secretly hope they do something nice for me in return. If they don't, I always harbour ill feelings. Bitch. In my own defense, however, it wasn't always this way, and I still do have some redeeming qualities (in case some of you have already written me off as some kind of heartless, cold-blooded freak). I used to be the kind of girl who would trust anybody as long as they seemed sincere, and I was the first person to drop whatever I was doing and help people out. I always tried to see the good in people, no matter how shitty of a person they seemed outwardly. Then I fucking opened my eyes. People can act sincere even if they mean to rape and kill you, and stuff you into the trunk of a car. If you continually compensate for friends with no money, they start thinking it's okay not to have a job because you will take care of everything for them. Guys who buy you pretty things- and tell you you're beautiful, and say that they love you- will still call you a 'stupid cunt', maybe hit you, and cheat on you right in front of your face. There's fucking trust for you. That's exactly where being a nice person got me, and I just couldn't take it anymore. At the age of twenty, I became the most cold-hearted, untrusting, self-centered bitch in the entire world. And you know what? I didn't give a damn. It felt good to tell people, 'Sorry, I can't help you edit your paper. It cuts into my toenail painting time.' It felt good to drag a 'friend' out to the bar, find out they had no money to spend and say, 'Well, I'd buy you a drink, but I actually need to save the money to buy a television next month. I hope you don't mind.' It felt damn good to flirt meaninglessly with some guy, fuck him for one night, and then when he phoned a couple of days later, pretend I didn't have the slightest idea who he was, and yell at him for being a depraved, asian-girl-fetishist stalker. It was fucking empowerment for me. I believed I was a being the best me I could be, and not the stupid, trusting, easily disappointed, spineless, I'm-everybody's-best-friend girl that I was before. But wait. This is not where the story ends. At 27, I no longer feel the need to be the monster I've become. In fact, I kind of hate me a lot sometimes. But I know that I'm not a lost cause yet. Goddammit, I like helping people sometimes. And I think it's bloody awesome when someone talks to me just because they find me approachable (people really don't always want something from you). I've been with the Boy for almost a year now, and I've seen the way he treats people. He never expects anything from anyone. He does nice things for people because he wants to. And you know, to me, that is a hell of a lot braver than going around alienating people due to the fact that you've made yourself actually believe that you are better than them because you 'can't be hurt'. I really didn't 'open my eyes' when I started being a bitch. All I did was shut them tight, and duct tape them closed. I don't want to wake up someday and find that all my friends are gone because I drove them away. I don't want to be sitting in front of the television waiting for the Boy to come home one night, but he never does because he's with someone better. If this is the 'top'- if this is what it's like at the 'top'- then fuck, is it ever lonely. I don't want the stupid duct tape on my eyes anymore. I just want to come down and be with everyone else. It's a long fucking trip back, but it's worth the journey. I know it doesn't really change that I'm a bitch by nature, but I definitely think that I can at least try to be a nicer one.

(birthday card by yours truly, the lounge hat what runs this operation).

* * * * * *

Yes, I realize this is probably the longest post ever, but I have to get everything in before I fuck off for the weekend. Firstly, Sunday is Superbowl Sunday. I would like to extend an extra-large GO EAGLES!!!! to the Philadelphia Eagles.

Secondly, Sunday is also what would have been Mr. Bob Marley's 60th birthday. So if you are so inclined, please burn a big one down for the man whose music kept me through the hard times, and continues to do so today. Happy birthday, Bob.

Robert Nesta Marley

Thursday, February 03, 2005

you gotta fight for your right to party 

there's emptiness behind their eyes, there's dust in all their hearts 

How people found i lit a joint... and what I have to say about it:

skateboards made out of homegrown dope (okay... what??)

ghetto prince font (there is a font called 'ghetto prince?)

dirty competitive swimmers jokes (obviously i was out of the loop during my swimming days...)

nutritional value of wendy's taco salad (anything that you load with sour cream and chili is NOT going to be all that nutritious, just so you know)

pimped aveo (this makes me laugh, because my car is so not the kind of car you want to pimp out. it's like pimping... a honda civic)

you eagles are going to the superbowl (yes, yes i know us eagles are going)

robin's donuts nutritional chart (honey... if you're eating donuts, why do you even care about nutritional value?)

* * * * * *

Fleecey's 10 Rules To Being Cool:

1) Never look for 'the good in everyone'. That's a bunch of crap, because pretty much everyone is going to be nice to you for the the first while, since no one ever really wants to come across as an asshole. Instead, push everybody to reveal all the bad things about themselves (whether it ends up being voluntarily or accidentally). You want to know what exactly you're dealing with- perverts, freeloaders, psychos; they all seem nice at first.

2) Never wear a kickass outfit if you don't have an appropriate pair of shoes to go with it. It's probably the biggest travesty ever to sport ugly footwear with nice clothing, because you will probably never live it down. It's very jarring to look at someone at first and go, wow, that's a really great dress, and then look down and have your eyes poked out by the sharp stick that is bad shoes.

3) Don't ever do nice things for people who never seem to appreciate the gesture. You may think that being nice for free is fun, but it's really not. These people are laughing at you behind your back about what a pushover you are. How fun is that?

4) Only hang out with people who are as smart as you. Not smarter (no one who has won a Nobel or a Pulitzer or anything like that) because then you'll seem like an idiot, and never stupider because, well... why the hell would you want to hang out with stupid people anyway?

5) Do not ever have an eating disorder or go on really fucked up, 'starve yourself' diets just because you think you're not skinny enough. Eat whatever the fuck you want (in moderation), and peel your ass off the goddamned couch every once in awhile. It beats the hell out of eating rice cakes and carrot sticks for three meals a day.

6) Never wear anything that doesn't look good on your body. No matter how big of a trend it is. No matter if all of your friends are wearing it. If it looks stupid on you when you first try it on, it is always going to look stupid on you. Besides, most trends are just retarded and change every couple of months.

7) Do not dye your hair a colour that doesn't go with your skin tone. If I have to explain this to you, you deserve to have your ass kicked. Down a mountain.

8) Always be the best looking one of all your friends. Being the ugly one doesn't get you very many points in your quest for cool, because it means you will always be the one left holding drinks while everyone else dances, or you will have to save your table at the pub when all of your friends go out to smoke a joint. Being hot means always being invited to join in.

9) Buy yourself flowers sometimes. If you always wait around for someone else to do it, you're just plain lame. It's beyond cool to walk by a flower shop, see some that you love, and go in and buy them. Because it means that you are self-sufficient.

10) Don't have long-term relationships with guys just because they're hot. That's the lamest thing ever. If you have zero in common with a dude, don't let their looks fool you into keeping them around. They are probably fucking a co-worker behind your sad-ass back anyway. A co-worker who is five years younger than you are. Plus, if he looks that good, he probably doesn't read books.

If you follow these rules, you will probably become much cooler than you are currently. But it's not like I guarantee that you will become as cool as me, because it happens that I was just born cool, and not everybody has that same priviledge. What the hell, though, it's always worth a shot.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

sometimes he awakens with spiders on his eyelids 

Here is a link to my old college radio station (previously found only on cable) where I used to DJ on Friday nights. It can now be heard on the internet, which is pretty fucking rad if you ask me. K-Billy Super Sounds Of The Seventies... Right on. Good ol' CMRC 107.5 cable FM (The Edge) has come so far.

CMRC Radio

* * * * * *

I went and saw The Aviator last night. It was quite good, and easily Leonardo DiCaprio's best role. My beef was that it ran way long, so I suggest you wait until it comes out on DVD because you are going to need to take pee breaks and to get up and stretch your legs throughout. It kind of also made me realize that most people's OCD can't even be considered OCD when compared to fucking Howard Hughes. The guy had some serious issues.

Now, ILJ proudly presents:
Weird Word Wednesday, The Return Of

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Abomasum: ruminant's fourth stomach (mmm... 'ruminant')
2) Baetyl: magical or holy meteoric stone (does Kryptonite count?)
3) Cachexic: having an unhealthy physical or mental state (CRAAAAZY)
4) Daedalist: aviator; pilot (what Scorcese SHOULD have called his movie)
5) Eclegme: ancient syrupy medicine that is licked off a spoon (ughh)
6) Falderal: nonsense; meaningless refrain of a song
7) Galericulate: topped by a hat-like covering
8) Hapax: word which occurs only once (where? in a sentence? in the world?)
9) Impanate: embodied in bread***
10) Jobbernowl: a blockish or stupid head (it shall be my newest insult)

This word totally reminded me of the time when my friend used the word 'ENSCONED', when she really meant 'ENSCONCED'. Being ever the helpful and true friend, I corrected her in front of everyone; 'Oh, I think you mean ENSCONCED. ENSCONED would mean you are baked into a scone.' I am such a great person sometimes.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

i don't know where i am but i know i don't like it 

Is it wrong to secretly think you're better than certain people? I say it's not, because if you only 'secretly' think it, these people never actually have to know that you look down on them.

Ten Random Things

1) I have zero respect for women who are willing to change everything in their lives just to keep a man.

2) I like mint-flavoured Fisherman's Friend lozenges better than gum.

3) I used to do a lot of cocaine back in the day. Surprisingly, my brain still works just fine.

4) I don't wash my hair everyday (or it would all start to fall out).

5) If I didn't clean the bathroom at home, nobody would.

6) When people who have known me for years have no idea what kind of beer I drink at the bar, it pisses me off (like, if I send you to the bar and you come back with a Moosehead- fuck you, non-observant slacker).

7) I totally would have kept up my boycott of Starbucks, but it is the only coffee shop close to my work.

8) This list is sucking some serious balls.

9) Speaking of balls, I spent part of last Friday night writing 'balls' in the snow on everybody's windshield for two blocks.

10) I'm kind of afraid to open my coffee mug and see what's growing inside... so I will throw it out at the end of the week.