jump out, jump out, get your groove on [i lit a joint and burned my eyebrow] <$BlogRSDURL$>

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

jingle bells, batman smells 

ILJ will be back on January 4th. Until then, don't forget to send me a lump of coal or two, and please drink as much as you can so that I can read about all the lounge actery. And do try to drop by on December 30th to extend birthday greetings (but if you don't, it's not like I'll be sober enough to get down to the post office to send you anthrax). Have a good one.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

As you undoubtedly know by now, there is a mass tragedy going on here at ILJ. A tragedy in the form of Terrell Owens' broken leg. I'm not giving up hope of a Superbowl just yet, but this makes it just that extra bit tougher. And if you laugh about this? I will totally hunt you down, hog-tie you, then drive you out into the middle of nowhere- and I mean ASSFUCK NOWHERE- and leave you to be consumed by wolves and bears.

in this reflection even angels fall 

There are a couple of things about myself that I thought would have changed by now, but since they haven't, I'm starting to panic a little.

The first thing: my feelings about having kids. Now here's the thing; I've never liked kids. Never. Not even when I was one. In my eyes, babies are only cute in pictures, not when they are crying their tiny fucking heads off to be fed at some godforsaken hour in the morning, or when they need to changed (I wouldn't touch a dirty diaper with a ten foot pole- I am afraid of shit), or when they need to be held. People keep talking about 'maternal instinct' and this 'biological clock' thingie. Okay, maternal instinct? Maybe towards cats and dogs. Biological clock? Mine is either busted, or I was just overlooked when they were being handed out. Whichever one it is, kids do absolutely nothing for me. They may as well be mosquitoes.

The second thing is my complete lack of interest in having a career. Well, a career in the sense of working for a company for 20+ years to earn my bread. To me, doing one single thing for the rest of my existance on this planet would be the equivalent of being enslaved. I'm the kind of person who does what she's doing while it suits her. With me, the grass is always greener on the other side, and I have a feeling it will always be that way. No matter how much people shake their heads and talk behind my back about 'the girl with her head in clouds; thinks she's gonna be somebody'.

Maybe that's just it. Maybe somewhere in my tiny little heart I know I'm gonna be somebody. Maybe that's my only goal in this bizarre life that's been handed to me on an aluminum platter. And I don't think it's stupid because I've had complete strangers come up to me and tell me that they know something big is going to happen for me- that it's in my eyes. And maybe that's why I put things like children and careers on the back burner; because maybe someday I'll want them (or maybe not), but today isn't someday.

Monday, December 20, 2004

but you're always on tour, and you're never home 

Does anybody care that I completely suck at GTA: San Andreas? Didn't think so. Whatever- just understand that this is my first time in years playing a game that doesn't involve a keyboard and mouse. I'm way out of practice.

Ten Random Things To Do During The Holidays Just Because You Can

1) Drop in unannounced at friends' houses and make them feel guilty enough to cook you a decent meal. It works most of the time.

2) Exchange all the crappy stuff you get (because it's the thought that counts, and obviously no one thinks very much of you) for the all the stuff you actually want. Let everybody know that this is what you are doing, and that they'd better pay closer attention so the same thing doesn't have to happen next year.

3) If you're not into commercialism in the least, sneak into peoples' houses to steal trees and gifts for burning later. This works best if you target the rich neighbourhoods, since they have more shit.

4) For those of you living in parts of the world where it snows, build a giant snowman in the driveway of the neighbours you hate. Why? Just because it's funny.

5) Listen to someone's sob story about why they absolutely have to buy the gift you are holding in your hands for somebody (the very last one of its kind, no less), feign sympathy and pretend to want to let them have it, then shrug and say, 'Tough. You should have started shopping in October if you needed this so fucking badly.'

6) Tell every kid under the age of six that Santa Claus doesn't exist.

7) Dress up like a reindeer and run through the streets frantically, creating traffic chaos.

8) When someone wishes you 'Merry Christmas', give them a shocked look and say, 'Oh crap! Is it Christmas already? I had no idea!'

9) Fly out to an island in the tropics, because you and I both know that Christmas is the biggest annual disappointment, next to New Year's eve.

10) In lieu of gifts, give everybody you know a lump of coal. God knows they'll appreciate it more than those stupid scented candles you were originally going to give them.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

running on empty 

In typical fashion, I am fucking swamped at work and have no time to come up with a real post. Also, nothing fun or cool has happened in the past while, so in lieu of regaling you with the lack of excitement in my boring life, I present to you something I so blatantly stole from Cindy. She's cool, though, so I'm pretty sure she doesn't mind. Y'know... I got nothin'.

Three Names I Go By:
1. satan
2. fucker
3. bitch

Three Screennames I Have:
1. stoked
2. actually, i think that's it... unless i have a screen name i don't know about

Three Things I Like About Myself:
1. that i'm smart
2. my musical ability
3. my hair

Three Things I Hate/Dislike About Myself:
1. that i'm a fucking tub
2. my selfish nature
3. my complete and utter lack of ambition

Three Parts Of My Heritage:
1. indonesian
2. dutch
3. chinese

Three Things That Scare Me:
1. stupid people
2. turning into a boring person
3. being stuck someplace i hate my whole life

Three Of My Everyday Essentials:
1. some kind of lip gloss
2. an episode of 'buffy'
3. water

Three Things I Am Wearing Right Now:
1. my 'california: golden state' t-shirt
2. my adidas shell-toe sneakers with the pink hologram stripes
3. a sneer

Three Of My Favorite Bands/Artists:
1. tom waits
2. modest mouse
3. weezer

Three Of My Favorite Songs At Present (like anyone would even know these):
1. the mood- ditchrider
2. swing, swing- all american rejects
3. no sissies- hawksley workman

Three New Things I Want To Try In The Next 12 Months:
1. boxing (seriously, with the red gloves y'all)
2. actually losing weight
3. being nice to people

Three Things I Want In A Relationship (love is a given):
1. thoughtfulness
2. trust
3. sex

Two Truths And A Lie:
1. i totally did not take a shower this morning
2. i ate a pumpkin bagel for breakfast
3. i put a bomb in my work building and blew it up, so i'm typing this at home

Three Physical Things About The Opposite Sex That Appeal To Me:
1. eyes
2. smile
3. height (not into short dudes... sorry)

Three Things I Just Cannot Do:
1. cook something that anyone other than myself would actually eat
2. cheer for the green bay packers
3. drive the speed limit or under

Three Of My Favorite Hobbies:
1. drinking
2. reading
3. sitting around with friends and commenting on the ugly things people are wearing (trust me- it's a hobby)

Three Things I Want To Do Really Badly Right Now:
1. drink beer
2. go home
3. go home and drink beer

Three Careers I Am Considering:
1. rockstar
2. pub owner
3. wealthy layabout

Three Places I Want To Go On Vacation:
1. mars
2. anywhere where it's hot and beach-laden
3. see above

Three Kids Names
1. since i am only going to have two kids (if i decide to have 'em at all), and since i don't spend my time thinking about having kids... i'm not going to answer this one

Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
1. write a book
2. win the lottery
3. go around giving kidney shots to everyone still alive who i can't stand

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

how soon is now? 

Do you ever just wake up and know you're destined for better things than whatever it is that you're currently stuck doing? I do everyday. So, if that's the way you feel, do you just not show up at work and become a rockstar? I'm this close. It's my stupid gut feelings again- telling me that something big is going to happen for me, and why the fuck am I not letting it? Not sure. Maybe because I know I'm destined for something great, but for the moment I'm not ready to give up financial stability... even if it won't be forever. Sometimes I wish I could just murder the voice of reason and get on with it.

Monday, December 13, 2004


I know I haven't posted anything *nice* or *meaningful* in a long time, but Christmas puts me in a bad mood sometimes. I blame it all on the little utopia I have going on inside my head about how Christmas should be. And because this utopian-version and the real-life version are completely different? It's easy for me to find *a few* things to hate about the holidays.

I hate it when people ask me if I already have a tree. No, I do not, and I am not getting one. I leave that to my parents; you know, the ones who own a house big enough to accomodate a tree. I hate it when people ask me what I want for Christmas. Where do I start with that one? I want fucking world peace. I want poor, starving, AIDS-infected orphans in third world countries to magically become healthy again, become educated, and live incredible lives. I want stupid people to become intelligent overnight. I want to win the lottery so I no longer have to be in debt. I want people to stop abusing animals. I want people to stop abusing people. I want to be a better person. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I hate it when people thank me for a gift, but I can tell that they're disappointed. Fuck you. Gifts aren't even all that important anyway, so consider yourself lucky that at least I gave enough of a shit to get you anything at all. There are lots of people who have no one, and that's got to hurt a hell of a lot worse than not getting the exact gift that you wanted. I hate it when people use Christmas as an excuse to do be charitable, when there are 364 whole other days during the year to be charitable in. 'Oh, it's Christmas. Sure, I'll give some money to the poor.' Okay, news flash? The poor? They're kind of poor year-round. And it's not like your goddamned one dollar per year is going to help them all that much. At least if you gave a dollar every month I'd have more respect for you, or if you didn't give at all because you know you can't afford to. But you're either all in or all out. No one likes a tease.

But you know, I suppose there are things about Christmas that are kind of cool, like the lights, and the music, and the food. Even if the lights eventually hurt your eyes, and the music gives you a headache, and the food makes you fat.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

down in the underground, a land serene and crystal 

Thoughts for the day...

If someone is a horrible and miserable person and they die (accidental, from a disease, someone kills them, whatever), is it okay to secretly (or publicly, if you are not so inclined to be secretive about things) be happy about it? I mean, I think I'll be quite glad to see Scott Peterson die... sure, his family is all crying and begging for his life to be spared, and saying that 'this family will be lost if he dies', but seriously, 'lost'? What about the fact that he killed his wife and their unborn child? That's the family that was 'lost'- at his hands.
I tend to believe that under certain circumstances, yes, it is quite alright to be happy when someone's life comes to an end. Just not if they are good people or defenseless children. Being happy about the deaths of either of those is likely to make you a social pariah.

I actually don't much like winter at all. I like skiing, but I refuse to go if the weather is 30 degrees below freezing. On second thought, it isn't that I don't like winter... I think I actually hate it. I can't stand driving on black ice, and shovelling the walk makes me want to pitch the shovel at someone's head. Winter clothing is cute, but it makes me sweat like a pig... and that is decidely un-cute. I do not like having to wake up earlier to scrape frost (it's more like icebergs) off of my windshield so that I can actually see where the hell I'm going, whilst barrelling down the streets en route to my place of employment. I blame this on my parents being born in a tropical country and me inheriting their genes, thus, making me completely unsuited to winter, despite growing up in a part of the world where winter exists for at least 6 months out of the year (if I should be so lucky).

Why the fuck are Oompa Loompas orange?

Are you a person who owns a dog, spends little to no time with it, and keeps it chained up in the yard, as it howls pitiously through the night hoping to be comforted? If you happen to be such an individual, please know that I sincerely hope you contract West Nile virus and perish. If not West Nile, then Ebola is a highly acceptable substitute.

The air-freshener in my car is meant to smell like 'ocean breeze'. In my (not so) humble opinion, the smell is more reminiscent of green tea. This bothers me not one iota.

The conclusion I draw from this little blurb? I think too much, and could possibly stand to gain something from a lobotomy.
Have a good one.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

but somebody stole my elephant 

The baby elephant died. I am very sad about it.

Also, my birthday is in three weeks. Please buy me either this or this. But if both of those things are too expensive, then just get me this instead.

Monday, December 06, 2004

i tattooed an anchor right beside your name 

It's the Philadelphia Eagles Fight Song (I am posting this especially for Paulzy, in light of his Packers being trampled in yesterday's game)! But enough with the gloating, and on with today's post, which will commence after the italic font ends...

The love of my life has always been the ocean. I am sure some of you may have gathered this from the random posts about surfing, and the times when I lived on the coast, and the fact that I am in the long and difficult process of convincing the Boy that we ought to move to Victoria. I first saw the ocean when I was 8 years old, and as a girl who had grown up in a landlocked city near the mountains, I was rendered speechless. Here was this great, briny, shining blue thing, that extended from the tips of my toes to, seemingly, eternity. The water was cold and deep, and yet it called to me. From that day, it had a hold on me like nothing else. It was what saw me sneaking off to California at 15 to learn how to surf. It was what made me work on Cruise ships for many years. It was what had me taking most of my holidays in beach towns, and trying various times to make a living on the West Coast. You see, I adore the mountains. The mountains and I are kind of like old pals. I grew up around them, and I find a lot of enjoyment in taking long hikes through the forests in the summertime, and crashing precariously down the snowy slopes on skis in the winter. But it is the ocean that has my soul. To me there is an infinite amount of comfort in sitting on a beach in the salty air as the the sun falls beneath the horizon. There is something therapeutic about going for runs along the shore, while your feet get wet in the surf. It's not that the mountains don't have a magic to them- but it is the magic of the ocean that somehow holds more appeal. I have more of a bond with the ocean, and I know it is why I will have to leave this city one day. Because the ocean beckons me, and in small, perhaps somewhat calculated steps, I am compelled to follow.

Friday, December 03, 2004

remember when i used to be dope? 

I will return next week, seeing as how I have nothing to say right now.
Here are some pics to keep you entertained.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

the sea is foaming like a bottle of beer 

I apologize (well... not exactly 'apologize', since we are all aware of what my stance is about apologies, but you know what I'm getting at) for the lack of a real post, but I'm really busy at work since the boss man is away at a conference, plus I just picked the December 'Surfer', and would kinda rather read the interview with Mark Occhilupo than blog. And since I included that link, you too can read what I read... but it kind helps if you like surfing and know who the shit Occy is. Yes, I am aware that I live in a landlocked city, and that I haven't surfed in... oh, well, it's been a long time. Whatever. If I lived by a ocean it would be my main hobby (even though I suck at it, much like I do at various other sports, except for plain 'ol swimming). So there. Now, if you don't mind, I need to get back to the surf rag, and the can of sardines that is my lunch. I'll catch you all later.

(yes, i realize that the surfer in this picture is not, in fact, mark occhilupo, but bruce irons. not that this will actually matter to most of you.)