jump out, jump out, get your groove on [i lit a joint and burned my eyebrow] <$BlogRSDURL$>

Thursday, September 30, 2004

back in your old neighborhood, cigarettes taste so good 

Just cleaned the bathroom. Am I just deranged, or does anyone else out there actually like cleaning the bathroom more than cleaning the kitchen? I fucking despise kitchen maintenance. So disgusting. At least in the bathroom I know what's what. I pick piss and shit over grease and mold. Mentally sound? You betcha. I can hear Dubya blathering right now. Somebody out there tap a keg for me. Respect.

i invented a sister populated with knives 

I really can't stand people who always say 'I'm confused'. Even when you know they really aren't. They're just saying it because they think it makes them seem cute. Puppies are cute. Confused people are... motherfuckers. People, chances are if you think you're being cute but you're actually the farthest thing from it, someone is probably sitting around and planning your assassination. Not that you're important enough to be assassinated in the first place.

If you think you are, you're probably not.

much love.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

when the devil came, he was not red. he was chrome and he said... 

I just wanna rip my hair out. I rely on technology so heavily, and yet I hate it so much that I could set fire to technological advancement and burn it to the ground if someone would let me. Fucking computers and their 'you are running out of virtual memory'. Fuck you. What do you mean I'm running out? Nothing is supposed to run out. Everything will run out eventually. And damn cell phones. Why must I stand on top of a mountain just to get good reception around here? I'm a vampire, hear? A vampire. I only want to call from basements and dungeons, but instead I have to come out into the light where it burns. Give me a 25 watt bulb, because the 60 is killing me. We're hunters and gatherers, people. Get used to it.

That was actually something I emailed to someone once, when I was going absolutely mad. Somehow it got saved in my 'sent items', and since it all seemed so disjointed and lunatic, I posted it here. Here in the capital blog of nothingness and ridiculitis. I've been too busy for lists for the past little while, but I assure you they have not gone the way of the buffalo. Happy Weird Word Wednesday.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Abroach: in a condition to allow liquor to run out (i hope this is never.)

2) Bantling: brat; whelp; bastard child (new name to call someone.)

3) Cacography: bad handwriting or spelling (i don't suffer from the second affliction. much.)

4) Darkle: to grow or make dark (don't you love the obvious ones?)

5) Ecdysiast: striptease performer (who'd have known?)

6) Fagin: an adult who instructs others in crime (i know nothing about this. nothing, i tell you.)

7) Garbology: study of garbage (duh.)

8) Hallux: big toe

9) Ignavia: laziness; laxity (i may be dying of it.)

10) Jettatura: the evil eye (my personal favourite.)

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

i'm hiding out in the big city blinking 

So I went to Edmonton on the weekend. For anyone who is vaguely (or completely) unfamiliar with this area of the world, Edmonton is a city three hours north of Cowtown. People here are always talking smack about it, but to tell you the truth? I kinda like Edmonton. The streets are relatively uncongested by traffic, the river valley is amazing in the summer and fall, and there are more things to do there than one would expect. In fact, one of my favourite bars is located there, and the city also hosts one of the best fringe festivals I have been to outside of Edinburgh. The point of me telling you all of this? Don't bash a place until you've properly experienced what it has to offer.

On another note, did anyone else realize it was only Tuesday? Or did everyone just know it automatically, and the reason I didn't is because I suffer from many delusions that relate to time and space? I'm inclined to believe the latter...

Electric eel.

Monday, September 27, 2004

dying on the banks of embarcadero skies 

I'm sorry if my posts are random and sort of cryptic these days. Or not sorry. It's a random and cryptic kind of life, so what can you do? And isn't it even worse when I don't post anything all goddamned day, and when I finally do, it's garbage like this? Not to mention that it's also 2:30 in the fucking afternoon and in some places it's even 4:30? It's the nature of me. Somedays I wake up and it's not even just that I don't know what time it is. I need to be reminded that this is not 1996 and I am no longer nineteen years of age. Cryptic? Perhaps. Then again, maybe in some weird dimension this all makes sense. Maybe it (all that is random, weird, and crack-like) will be over soon, maybe not. Eat an apple for me.

Friday, September 24, 2004

our hearts pump dust and our hair's all grey 

...sure you do. you just don't know it yet.

Don't you hate it when this is all you get from me? I don't... but then again, I'm used to it.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

drinking drinking drinking drinking coca coca cola 

It's now been a little over a week since I started the whole 'no french fries' thing. So far? I don't necessarily feel healthier. In fact, I think I've just resorted to eating other things in place of fries. Like donuts. Mmmmm... donuts. And spaghetti carbonara (which the Boy made for me last night; it's my favourite). And chocolate. Hey, I've got to get my fix of zero-nutrional value foods from somewhere.

Top Three...

...colours that it's bleedingly obvious not everybody can wear:

1) pink (trust me, it's true)
2) orange (just because i can get away with orange, it doesn't mean you can)
3) lime green (no matter what the sales girl/guy tells you)

...things you (well, really, i) can't live without:

1) food/water (it's a tie)
2) drugs (i was going to say friends, but if you hit the drugs hard enough, you can imagine yourself a whole bunch of friends)
3) your head (i mean literally- if your head got chopped off, you would fucking DIE)

...random funny words/things of the day:

1) shatner
2) ugly is the new black

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

suck my blood, break my nerve, offer me their arms 

Hi. Sorry for the lack of substance here in the past couple of days, but I'm really busy. Hopefully things will be back to normal by the end of the week, but who really knows? I put up some words because it's WWW; I know it's not a full list and whatnot, but it's all I had time for. Send hate mail if you wish.
...or something like that.

gigantomachy: war of giants against the gods

tyriphobia, n. ("tir-&-'fO-bE-&)
abnormal, intense fear of cheese

bushwa , noun (BUSH-wa), also bushwah
nonsense; bull.

matutinal, adjective (muh-TOOT-n-uhl)
relating to or occurring in the morning.

GOWK: an apple core or someone who is silly or foolish

Monday, September 20, 2004

hurry, hurry, hurry, before i go insane 

This is a review of 'Never Turned Down', the debut CD of Calgary punk band Ditchrider, which is my friend Robin's band. While someone has already noted to me that the review may be biased, due to it being written by local musician and friend of the band Andrew Wedderburn, I beg to differ. I've already had a listen, and not only is it good, but it's definitely one of the more solid punk offerings by a group of girls (and one guy) that I've heard in a long time. So, cheers to Ditchrider, and mostly to Robin. You're a fucking rockstar, and don't let anyone ever tell you different.

Friday, September 17, 2004

the redhead said you shred the cello 

Did anyone else who watched The Apprentice think to themselves that this group of young business types seems significantly stupider than the group of last season? Or maybe it's just me, but I don't know... I think I've mentioned before that I believe less intelligent people are selected for shows like this purposely. They are prone to making bad choices, and their social skills can be somewhat limited. And this makes for comedy, since we are mostly trained to feel sorry for a smart guy who makes a bad decision, and yet laugh at the stupid guy because even if he thinks a decision of his is a good one, we believe it to be ill-founded and idiotic.

But that's just me repeating something I already stated many months ago, and I tire of my own repetition. It's Friday, so I should probably spit out a list or something, hey? On a blog about nothing, at least a list is something to look forward to.

Ten Random Things

1) When I wear my fall jacket, which is orange and quilted, I actually resemble some kind of futuristic pumpkin. That was not the intent.

2) Does anyone other than me think that Andy Roddick looks disturbingly like Stifler from the 'American Pie' movies?

3) The 'u' key on my keyboard sticks, and I have no fucking idea why. I haven't spilled any food or drink into the keyboard in ages.

4) I bitch at people constantly about being more friendly to the environment, and yet I constantly use plastic utensils so I don't have to do the dishes often. There's hypocrisy for you.

5) Who do you think will win the Monday night matchup between the Eagles and the Vikings? You already know who I pick, but who's your choice?

6) I hate it when people drop by unannounced while I am watching television, and proceed to try and have a full-fledged conversation with me. Can't you see that I'm fucking watching t.v., you moron?

7) Shared household kitchen etiquette pet peeve: when someone constantly uses ice cubes, neglects to re-fill the trays, and then proceeds to complain that no one ever fills the ice cube trays. Goddammit.

8) How come so many girls buy backless shoes that are too small for them? When your heel is hanging over the back of your shoe, you've obviously bought shoes that are too small for your gigantor-ass feet. It's not fucking rocket science. Sheesh.

9) Doesn't it bug you when someone starts crashing around, talking to themselves and making a ton of noise around you because they need your help with something? I mean, the last time I checked, there was nothing wrong with ASKING. Making excessive noise and muttering to yourself just confirms my suspicions that you are a fucking psychopath.

10) People who say they are 'always right', and pretty much always wrong.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

we had a hedge back home in the suburbs 

The thing about the Boy is that he rescued me.
Rescued me from being someone's security blanket. I hated being N's security blanket, but I also liked it. It meant that I was almost always second choice, but at least I was the only second choice. Stupid. He loved me, alright, but the kind of love where the word mattered more to him than the action. With N, it was always about him being sorry. Being apologetic all the time. And I hate apologies that are made because the person making them fucks up more than they should. That ain't right. And he'd try to gloss it over with money. His bartending tips. That goddamned roll of twenties would magically appear from his pocket. And I never had to buy drinks. Never had to buy much of anything- not even smokes. And he'd always go off with some girl or other, but know that when it didn't work out he could always come back to me. And I was stupid. I let him. Not just once, not just twice. Not even just three times- but two years' worth of time. And I didn't even think it was a waste then. Because he'd always be sorry; be sorry and then help me find happiness in bottles of beer. He never even really made excuses. I hate excuses, and he always knew that. 'It's all for the best'. That's what he always said when he'd let me down. For his best? For my best? For the best. At least it wasn't an excuse, right?
So it was all for the best that the Boy finally stepped in and rescued me. Because love is nothing when it's just a word. And a roll of twenties doesn't make it real.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

you make the rockin' world go round 

Weird Word Wednesday is on hiatus this week, but will return next week. And now for something completely different...

Last night I went to go watch Supersize Me. For those of you not in the know, it is a documentary by a fellow named Morgan Spurlock. He one day decided he would go on a diet of only McDonald's for exactly 30 days to find out if fast food is really as bad for the human body as certain people would have us believe. Trust me, it is as bad- startling, in fact. I've always had a firm suspicion that McDonald's glosses over the nutritional value of its menu items; even more so when the 'fat kid lawsuits' started popping up. And, if you look at the chart, maybe it's not the fat content or calories that stick out, but take a peek at the sodium percentages. My blood pressure goes up just reading those obscene numbers. Apparently, most physicians and registered dieticians will tell you that consuming these types of foods more than once or twice per month is quite bad for you. Awhile ago, I asked my doctor about the effects of fast food, and whether or not it was okay to eat it two or three times a week. Basically, she advised me against this practice, instead urging me towards more home-cooked meals and cutting out pop and other sugar-laden beverages. Cutting out fast food? I'm sold. Watching Morgan Spurlock on his McDiet grossed me out enough that I made a deal with my friend (who watched the movie with me). Seeing as how we have busy enough lives that it may not be possible to cut out Taco Hell and McDeath entirely at this time, we have decided to do it the slow and (virtually) painless way. We are starting with the boycotting of fries until October 31st. Why fries? Well, because fries come with EVERYTHING, unless you specify. You order a meal at Wendy's? Unless you ask to trade them in for a side salad, you get fries. At a regular restaurant? You actually do get a choice of soup, salad or fries at most places, but sometimes unless you speak up, you end up with fries by default. We're also including fries you buy in those big bags at the supermarket, as well as hash browns and tater tots. Contrary to popular belief, these items (though frozen) were actually fried at some point before being put in the deep freeze. So, basically anything that bears resemblance to potatoes fried up in vast amounts of grease counts. We decided not to include potato chips, since neither of us actually eats these often anyway (plus, I just bought a bag of Ruffles the day before yesterday and it would be a colossal waste of money not to consume them. But I will do it slowly). If one of us breaks the deal, the loser buys dinner. We will be monitored closely by our respective significant others, plus numerous other mutual friends to make sure that we don't cheat. Of course, there's no way to prove that one of us didn't go and order fries during lunch when no one else was around, but neither of us is a known cheater. That's the trust factor. So there you have it. Suspenseful, no? Can I make it to October 31st without ingesting fried potatoes? I mean, dude... that's longer than a month. And I have like NO willpower. If I did, I'd already have lost the 10 pounds I've been boasting that I'd lose since March. It should be a shitshow of epic proportions, in any event.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

You know you're getting old when...

they change the list for the annual regulars' party of your normal haunt, and you're not on it anymore. I mean, sure, there are lots of new regulars at the Ship, and I'm sure they're all young and impressionable and the epitome of cool, but it really feels like the end of an era. Up until this past Sunday, the list had been unchanged for at least 6 or 7 years. I suppose it's all fair and good, seeing as how most of the old staff has left for greener pastures in the last year, and been replaced by a younger crew which in turn caters to a newer, younger crowd. So a lot of us old-timers are probably only recognizable from circulating stories of debauchery from the days of yore. I'm glad that at least these stories will go down in Ship history as somewhat legendary events, and someday some kid will come up to me and go, 'Are you the same Fleecey who...', to which I will respond, 'Yep, I am that Fleecey'. Good times, good times. And now, a jumbled recollection of all sorts of stories that I may someday choose to share with ILJ readers... or maybe just file them under you had to be there. really. you had to.

sneaking a 14-year-old into the bar. mooning the taxi cam. yoinking some guy's beer not once, but twice in the same night. les firing a pint glass at my head. the guy from the isle of man doing magic tricks. soul train. the greasy dude. the plaster chicken from the dumpster. bottle collection. pixie dance. falling off the bar stool. the singles game. the bottle of jagermeister night. petroleum byproducts rant. pretending to be the doorman and pocketing bribe money. the british army dudes stalking me. getting picked up by young karl. hitting my head on the hurricane lamp while getting a piggyback ride from isle of man guy. eat your tentacles! mike and i planning to be pirates. fabio. the kid rock lookalike. nolan. scotty's sod crew. someone stole my cigarettes. the ship and anchor softball team. the mission. fast eddy. turf wars. the disco shirt. the big breakup. crazy taxi. playing golden tee with the homeless man. getting hammered on christmas eve. the three exes within five meters of eachother debacle. slick. throwing darts at the roof and other people. crazy tim. me and johnny have a foot-race across the bar. cinnamon bun. the wild turkey night. it's my birthday in half an hour. the high voltage table. rock and roll bitch. mario the psycho needy spanish man. the hungarian dude. ac/dc hooker mistake. not sharing a table with the ugly people. a million shots of ouzo. snowball fight on the patio. mikey's goodbye party.

So many stories- this isn't even all of them. What can I say, it sucks getting old, but I'm more than happy to take my place of honour as one of the crazy Ship old timers. It's been a slice, that's for damn sure.

wishing, wishing that you were dead 

If anyone wants to fucking ditch work with me and start the boozing early, I think today is as good a day as any. Those fucking city 'workers' (no, I cannot write it without the quotations- that would be a travesty of epic proportions)... today, I noticed they were starting work at a quarter to 7. Okay, whatever, so they barely worked yesterday, so they must be starting earlier to make up for lost time. Then when I go out to get in my car to go to work, I see that they conveniently have a gravel truck on each end of the street. Fuckers! And since they were all sitting in their trucks like the overpaid pricks that they are, there was no reason one of them couldn't have just moved out of the way for one goddammed minute just to let me out so I could go on my merry way to work. But of course not. After all, I can't expect people who work for the City of Calgary to have any class or compassion, since I am quite aware that most of these guys are little more than hired thugs; so, really, they're far more ghetto than I could ever hope to be. Anyway, I had to get to work even if I had to call the cops and have an enormous dispute in front of the house, which I'm sure would have ended with me being unceremoniously dragged off to the nearest police station. Um, no. Not a good way to start off a day, especially when the promising football game of the night before turned into one of the most boring displays of one-sidedness of NFL Kickoff Weekend. So, what to do? What to do? Solution: get out of car momentarily to see if there is enough space driving over peoples' front lawns to get to the end of the street where I can actually get past all of the construction bullshit to get to my job which, by the way, is only a five minute drive from my house, so I probably could've just left earlier and walked to make this whole debacle a non-debacle, but come on. This is me. I'm so fucking hardcore it'd kill some of you. I don't do things the cut-and-dried, easy, problem-free way. Now... where was I...? Oh, right, the 'driving over peoples front lawns' part. I get out of my car and confirm that there is, indeed, enough room for me to drive over the lawns to get out. Did I mention that my car isn't as wide as most cars? I love thin cars. So, I get back into my car and proceed to barrel over neighbour one's and neighbour two's lawns, respectively (yeah, because I could have done it some other way), and I end up on the other side of the one gravel truck. Ha. There are two city 'workers' standing on the other side, so I give them a little just-try-and-fucking-block-me-in-again-assholes-because-your-stupid-tactics-don't-even-motherfucking-work smirk, just for the sake of rubbing it in. The one dude flipped me the bird, or some such pea-brained thing (I know he didn't have the mental capacity to come up with anything better). The funny thing is, they really can't do anything to stop me from parking on the road. If they so much as bump my car accidentally they're liable. And I now come armed with my own personal attorney (thank Jebus for my friend marrying a lawyer). If anyone ever thought I'd one day stop with the hard core shit and mellow out, this just proves that will never happen. Don't fuck with me.
Oh yeah, and to make matters much, much worse? I can't get my godammed bottle of Red Bull to open. That stupid perforated edge at the bottom of the lid won't tear, so the lid just keeps spinning around and around. Fucking crap. And I am SO not going to maintenance so that they can pry it off for me. That takes effort, and it also promotes laughter. At me. And I blame it all on those stupid city 'workers'. Assholes. It's all your fault.

p.s.- i would've posted about something other than this road construction crap, but this is as much excitement/annoyance as i'll have in my life for the next little while. pathetic, i know.

Monday, September 13, 2004

crack it open, let me out of here 

I was going to do up a big ol' football post, but I suppose it'd be much easier if you were to give'r a click on the NFL link I've put up over yonder, to the right. Because you have nothing better to do than to check out the scores from the first NFL Sunday of the season. Ha.

In other news... did you know that I share a birthday with Kerry Collins (formerly of the New York Giants, now the the Oakland Raiders)? Well, it's not really news to me, but it's useless bit of trivia to start your Monday out right. And my way to weasel more football into this post. But for real this time...

I probably didn't already mention this, but city workers are 'busy' installing a new water main in the street. Apparently, this will take two weeks, but I think they've already had all their shit lying around for two weeks, and they're still not done. Now, I hate any kind of road construction, even if it needs to be done (last summer, the water main broke not once, but twice, and we had to get water from a truck); it obstructs traffic, and they've been starting work at 7 in the morning. This has meant that the house rattles mercilessly every morning for two hours until these guys take a break. They take their breaks when everyone is away from home at work, and they resume around 5 in the PM when everyone has returned. Bastards. The noise isn't the only annoying aspect... we don't have a fucking garage, our 'driveway' out back is a piece, and the alleyway isn't large enough to accomodate parked cars AND other vehicles that need to get through. So, I have taken to simply parking on the street in front of the house (as per usual) if I see that no one is working. I know the city workers don't appreciate this, but they have done little to help out. They park their goddammed vehicles everywhere and anywhere that they can, and I'm just the type of lazy bitch who refuses to park a block away where I can't keep an eye on my car (you'd better believe I'm OCD about my ride ever since some neighbourhood punk-ass kid keyed it a couple of months ago). Plus, I'm not parking out back in the mud and cat/dog shit (lounge act neighbours letting their pets run amok) and getting my shoes and the interior of my car dirty. Oh, I'm a fucking princess about anything even vaguely resembling dirt/mud/shit inside my car. It grosses me out. Anyway, I hope they get done soon; this road construction is cramping my style hard. Too bad my ranting and raving doesn't get the job done any quicker. It never does.

Friday, September 10, 2004

jump out, jump out, get your groove on 

Friday couldn't have come at a better time. Not that it ever comes at any time other than after Thursday, but I'm just saying. It's fucking cold and, quite frankly, this kind of weather makes me feel absolutely miserable. Apparently it's supposed to be all warm and sunny by tomorrow, but I don't put a lot of trust in those meteorologists these days. They lie about the weather, people. They LIE. And there's not a goddammed thing you can do about it. So, I apologize (not really) for a weather post, but I am bitter about it. Bitter like the taste of chewing on a rubber band, which I know nothing about. Nothing, I tell you.

In honour of it being Friday (which, by the way, I have re-named Ten Random Things Friday, hence, TRT Friday), a list. Surprising, no? I'm predictable like that.

Ten Random Things

1) It's really cool that I can see my belt buckle. It must mean that my beer gut is getting smaller.

2) How come there are a million knives in the cutlery drawer, but barely any spoons or forks? In fact, there are only four spoons. How the fuck do you even lose spoons?

3) Don't you hate when someone leaves a message on your answering machine declaring, 'Hi, it's me. Give me a shout' and you have no goddammed clue who 'me' is? And, to boot, you don't have caller ID?

4) Even if they're called 'child proof' containers, half of the adult world can't open them either.

5) I hate cleaning out the fridge and finding something that has gone so bad that I can't even tell what the crap it used to be.

6) Why is it that stupid people always seem to have the most to say?

7) The pinky finger on my right hand is actually quite a bit shorter than the one on my left hand.

8) I find it fairly annoying that they're called 'city workers', and yet the only time you ever see them working is never.

9) Do you ever tell people your name is something other than what it is, not because you're afraid that they'll end up stalking you, but because it's funnier that way?

10) Don't you hate it when you have to pee, but there's no restrooms where you are, so you end up holding it for so long that when you finally do find a restroom you don't really even have to pee anymore?

Thursday, September 09, 2004

take a load off and bow down 

Does anyone care that the 2004 NFL season kicks off tonight? Well, I certainly do. This means that if we have a really cold winter, I will be found sitting (slouching)more-than-contently in front of the idiot box every Sunday at 11 in the AM, and will remain that way all day. Luckily the Boy doesn't mind this obsession of mine with watching grown men run and crash around on a field, chasing a brown and lemon-shaped ball- he will likely enjoy the extra hours he gets to play Battlefield Vietnam. See? It's all good. Go Eagles!

It's the return of Top Three Thursday! Okay, okay... I'm only bringing it back because I realize that football is probably only mildly interesting to half of you guys. It's not like I'll be posting tons of shit about it, though, unless the Eagles have a phenomenal season or something. Indeed.

Top Three...

...movies i've seen this summer

1) Napoleon Dynamite (dude, if you haven't seen it yet, you don't even know what you're missing. go see it. now.)
2) Shrek 2 (what can i say, i kinda have a thing for animated ogres)
3) Collateral (i picked this one somewhat out of lack of having seen very many movies of late... but also because it was a way better movie than i assumed it would be, and tom cruise is pretty fucking kick ass as the evil dude.)

... foods i am currently obssessed with

1) pizza (this place in particular)
2) avocados (you can make EVERYTHING with avocados)
3) carrot juice (i almost like it more than water these days, if you can believe that)

... things i have to do before it snows

1) buy all new ski equipment (i said i'd do this last year... it's now this year)
2) find winter boots (i survived last winter without a pair, but it was a struggle. this year i'm told it will be too cold to do without.)
3) look for the snow shovel (i had to use one of those little avalanche shovels last year. let me tell ya, it's rather hard on the back.)

Exciting stuff, hey? Yeah... no it's not. But what were you expecting? Dante's Inferno? I'm a genius, no doubt, but in more of a slow, stoner kind of way. Heh. Such a lounge act.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

sammy hagar, is this what you wanted, man? 

So, just for fun, I might be going to the Van Hagar concert on October 26th. I mean, it's right in the middle of the week, and I haven't gotten into the booze mid-week for quite some time now. And if there was a ever a reason to get drunk and smoke the green like it was going the way of the blue whale, this would be it. A Van Hagar concert on a Tuesday night in October. Quit your goddammed laughing. You probably run the Sammy Hagar fan club, for all I know.
Okay, enough of the lounge act talk already. It's Weird Word Wednesday, don't ya know?

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Bulimy: Extreme hunger
2) Curmurring: Rumbling or flatulent sound (ha ha... 'flatulent')
3) Dwale: Stupefying drink (so basically, this could be any alcoholic beverage consumed in vast amounts)
4) Exophagy: Cannibalism outside one's own group (because we normally only cannibalize within our own groups of friends)
5) Francophobia: Fear of France or the French (they're so scary, i know)
6) Gymnosophy: Deep contemplation performed while naked (yeah, sure)
7) Humpenscrump: Crude musical instrument like a hurdy-gurdy
8) Insulse: Lacking wit; dull; stupid; insipid
9) Jumart: Impossible mythical offspring of a cow and donkey
10) Kreng: Whale carcass after blubber is removed (mmm... carcass)

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

something in my veins, bloodier than blood 

You'd think that after a long weekend I'd have something to post, but I don't really. The weather sucked goat ass, and I never was able to go swimming in the lake. That's right- the weather in this part of the world is somewhere between summer in Antarctica and the coldest possible winter in Australia. In case you don't get what I mean (because sometimes I don't even get what the crap I am talking about), it's bloody cold, and that's seriously unusual for September. I had to take out my super-hick hunting jacket (keep in mind that it's a men's jacket in a medium size, so it actually looks really ghetto when I wear it)

this morning because that's how cold it was. Nice, hey? I have poor circulation to boot, so you can imagine what a happy fucking camper I am right now. Sunshine and smiles, I tell you, sunshine and goddammed smiles all around the block.
But everything wasn't all bad on the weekend. I went to go see the double billing of Shrek 2/ Collateral at the drive-in theater in small town BC somewheres. Shrek 2 was some funny shit, and Collateral was way better than I thought it would be. I hope to see Tom Cruise in more bad guy roles in the future. The only thing that pissed me off royally was the Bacardi Silver Ads. Dude, seeing ads in movies does NOT make me want to purchase whatever the hell product is being hawked. Really. I buy enough shit that receives little to no advertising. Blah, blah, blah, oh yeah, and I went to the little town fair and looked at the pigs and goats, watched the rodeo, and drank Budweiser out of a plastic cup (if you haven't had a drink for days, Bud is as good as anything).
Good times, good times. But I'm way glad to be back in my own bed/room, where the springs don't squeak on the bed, and it stays dark until I open the blinds.
Now if you'll excuse me- my nose is running like one of those ass-ugly decorative fountains in somebody's back yard. Enjoy that mental image.

Friday, September 03, 2004

why must you find another reason to cry? [edit] 

IT'S THE 'RACISM IN NIGHT CLUBS RANT'.... but please do not forget to read the disclaimer at the bottom of the post. Thank you, and have a great weekend.

As an 'ethnic minority' (visible minority, person of colour... etc.) I can relate, to a certain point, to the charges of racism at certain night clubs in Cowtown being used as a way to disallow certain people into the establishments. I mean, come on, what the fuck is this- the 50's? And in Canada too; the melting pot of the goddamned free world. Sure, it's a major piss off to get to the front of a lineup at one of these places, and then be asked to produce three pieces of photo I.D. otherwise you will not be permitted entry (who the hell carries that much documentation, anyway?), or be told that you're not appropriately attired... and all the while, the caucasian kids are coming in and out of the club like it's no big deal. Yeah, to be fair, that shit's happened to me, and it's really not all that nice when all my friends get let in, while I get stuck in line waiting for someone to go grab my birth certificate and passport from home. It sucks big time ass. There are definitely exclusive clubs like this all around Cowtown, and even the owners admit to wanting to keep the clientele a 'certain way', and not permitting certain people to frequent these joints simply because they feel the presence of such individuals might cretae tension amongst the patrons. Said individuals are usually ethnic minorities, but of course they never say that. They're not allowed to say that. We're the melting pot here. Everybody is equal, right? Um... sure...

Okay, so you've been denied entry to certain clubs time and time again, and you know it's because of the colour of your skin. Here's my burning question: why the fuck do you keep trying to go back to these places? Seriously, whose bitch are you? I mean, for me it only takes the one time I can't get into a place due to possible racism, and I boycott that club from then on. If you're treated that badly prior to getting in, what makes you think it's going to be any different if you ever get inside? Why do all these ethnic minorities keep insisting on going to places they know they've had a tough time with before? There are plenty of places in C-town where there's no hassle to get in no matter what you look like; no one will ever tell you that there's a dress code in effect, or that you must be able to show three pieces of photo I.D. before you can be let past the front doors. These are the only places I go when my friends and I go out on the weekend. Because of my bad experiences with the exclusive clubs, I've boycotted them a long time ago, and in my support, my friends have followed suit. This is what I believe more people need to do, because it's a far more proactive solution than to keep dragging your sorry ass back to shitty bar that you will never, ever be let into, save for some unforeseen circumstance. If you think you're not being let into a certain club because you're not white? Refuse to go to it. And tell your friends about it, too. Chances are that they won't be impressed either. Strength in numbers, you know? Besides, I know I'm not missing out if I can't get into fucking Cowboys. There's nothing in a bar like that but trashy girls with fake boobs, sleazy guys who probably just want to slip a sedative into your drink, and watered down gin and tonics that cost $6.50 apiece. Plus, the music usually stinks, and the bathrooms normally only have two working stalls. Based on all of that, I'll stick to the Ship and Anchor, thanks. There's no cover charge, most of the bar and waitstaff know me by name, nothing's watered down for my drinking displeasure, and I can show up wearing whatever the bloody hell I please. And no one gives a shit about my ethnic background. Because why does that matter? Everybody's here for a good time, and the sun can't shine every fuckin' day. The patio calls.

p.s.- for anybody who is taking this the wrong way, i'm not saying to hide from racism or to pretend that it doesn't exist, but by people wanting to go to these clubs, it's almost like accepting that these types of places are allowed to exist and conduct business in this manner. it's a really small step to boycott a club and get your friends to do the same, but it's a step in the right direction. why try to support a business that obviously is not willing to cater to you? it's just not proactive. i agree with a lot of people that this kind of bullshit should not be allowed to go on, but there are better ways of dealing then to complain about not being able to get into cowboys, but instead of trying to deal with it in a way where something might actually get done about it, keep on waiting in the lineup every weekend like some sheep who wants to be part of something 'special'... when really, what's so special about a loud, smoky, overpriced club anyway? so, no offense was intended by this post- i just thought it might be a good way to generate a bit of a debate. ILJ is not a popularity contest in the least; i used to beat up the cool kids. :P