jump out, jump out, get your groove on [i lit a joint and burned my eyebrow] <$BlogRSDURL$>

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

pioneer of aerodynamics 

Good morning, all. It is Tuesday, and since I'm not doing anything significant today, I thought I'd post something. Actually, it's probably not really 'posting' as such, since what you are about to see is something I found on both It's So Not About You, and Tenth Muse. Please visit these blogs, as they both reside in my links section. Anyway, our roomie moved out this morning to go off to grad school in Halifax. As annoyed as we sometimes got with him, I think it really won't be the same hearing about his antics via email as it would be first hand. I mean, I know I won't soon be getting hauled off to the drunk tank; I just don't really seem to have the knack for those kinds of things. I look far too unassuming. So I guess life is about to get a little more mundane than I'm used to. But his brother is coming home from his work term in Seattle, so he will be moving in with us shortly. Perhaps not all hope is lost- in most families, the apple doesn't fall that far. So, there you have it.

1. Your name spelled backwards.
yeceelf
2. Where were your parents born?
indonesia
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer?
mp3s
4. What is your favorite restaurant?
this really fucking awesome japanese place in town. pricey, but so worth it.
5. Last time you swam in a pool?
is this a joke? i swim pretty much all the time. that's what former competitive swimmers tend to do.
6. Have you ever been in a school play?
i was going to say no, but then if you count before junior high, yes. but i'm really more of a soundtrack/behind the scenes kinda person.
7. How many kids do you want?
two. if there has to be more, then i vote for four. i don't think it's fair to have kids in uneven numbers due to the 'ganging up on eachother' factor. but who the shit wants more than two kids anyway? it's not like i have the finances for that.
8. Type of music you dislike most?
techno. maybe because i hate ravers to the point that if they all died at once i'd throw a huge kegger.
9. Are you registered to vote?
if you're not, i'll send asian gangsters after yo ass.
10. Do you have cable?
that's like asking me if i've ever smoked weed before.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped?
yes. hey, isn't 'moped' a messed up word? mo-ped. mo-ped.
12. Ever prank call anybody?
dude, was there anything better to do with my time in junior high? my friend and i are still famous for one particular call. no one has ever topped it.
13. Ever get a parking ticket?
it's like a way of life with me. no wonder i live hand to mouth.
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?
been skydiving. bungee jumping... ask me again in like a year.
15. Farthest place you ever traveled.
japan. in real life. but one time after watching 'total recall', i actually believed i had gone to mars. i have disillusionment issues.
16. Do you have a garden?
it's not my garden. it's the boy's. me, i don't do gardens. can i landscape? yes. can i garden? you wish.
17. What’s your favorite comic strip?
the far side. yes, yes, i know it's no longer in production.
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem?
i do, although, most canucks don't. probably because it's such a stupid song. i should be fucking commissioned to rewrite that shit.
19. Best movie you’ve seen in the past month?
napoleon dynamite. hands down. i guess until i see garden state, because that's supposed to be fucking great. i've seen 'napoleon' like five times already.
20. Favorite pizza topping?
with pizza, i don't play favourites.
21. Chips or popcorn?
both. except that i don't eat chips very often anymore.
22. What color lipstick do you usually wear?
something neutral, if i actually have to wear it. i really don't wear makeup on a daily basis.
23. Have you ever smoked peanut shells?
okay... what the hell? i've smoked pine needles once... but what are peanut shells supposed to do for you?? is this what the cool kids are smoking nowadays? i'm out of the loop... you know, i'm getting old.
24. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
i protest garbage like that. i mean, who the fuck really cares how pretty you are? no use being pretty if your brain is the size of a chickpea.
25. Orange Juice or apple?
both. preferably freshly squeezed.
26. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with and where did you dine?
the boy. an oyster bar.
27. Favorite type of chocolate bar?
again, with chocolate i don't play favourites.
28. When was the last time you voted at the polls?
a few months back, when there was an election.
29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
last week.
30. Have you ever won a trophy?
indeed, i have.
31. Are you a good cook?
i manage. but really, the boy is the cook around here.
32. Do you know how to pump your own gas?
are you for fucking serious? who doesn't know how to do that... apart from two-year-olds and people who live in societies that don't use cars on a daily basis?
33. Ever order an article from an infomercial?
not yet- we're aiming for those kitchen knives, though. you can never have enough knives.
34. Sprite or 7-up?
i feel like i'm answering questions in some shit magazine for some survey where the results are so not going to reflect my character in any way.
35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work?
who hasn't? you, with your hand up in the back? i extend the back of my hand to you. and believe me, boy, i hit hard.
36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy?
vitamins.
37. Ever throw up in public?
maybe when i was a little kid.
38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love?
who says you have to choose only one? lounge act.
39. Do you believe in love at first sight?
for some people. but for others, that's like a divorce waiting to happen.
40. Ever call a 1-900 number?
no.
41. Can exes be friends?
sometimes, but mostly you're just kidding yourself, because you're probably just keeping the person around in case you haven't been laid in awhile.
42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital?
the boy's brother.
43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby?
yes.
44. What message is on your answering machine?
probably something rude. we hate answering machines in this house.
45. What’s your all time favorite Saturday Night Live Character?
jebus... it's been awhile. lemme think about this one.
46. What was the name of your first pet?
a dog named gypsy.
47. What is in your purse?
wallet, cellphone, lipgloss, gum, hair elastics, a thing of pit-stick, crumbs from something, a receipt from the gas station, a little plastic monkey that came with one of my drinks at the bar on saturday night.
48. Favorite thing to do before bedtime?
smoke a bowl.
49. What is one thing you are grateful for today?
that i don't have to go to work again until next tuesday.

Friday, August 27, 2004

you're in the jungle, baby. you're gonna die! 

If the weather is nice next week, ILJ will be on hiatus. Otherwise, I'm fairly sure I'll be around to stalk all of you at your respective blogs while I'm on holiday (or vacation; whatever the hell you want to call it... to-ma-to, to-mah-to). But I hear the weather is going to be shit all week. Boo, hiss.

I have no idea what to post about today, so in typical fashion, I'll just make a list. Oh yeah, I'm boring like that. What do you expect? It's not like Friday happens seven days a week.

Ten Random Things

1) Do you ever start driving before your windshield has finished de-fogging, and realize that you've driven at least five blocks without being able to see a fucking thing, and think it's pretty cool that you were able to do it, but then recoil in horror because you could have so easily hit a dog or a kid? Screw you if you said no, or if your windshield never gets foggy.

2) With some people, it's as simple as slapping some sense into them. With others, it's more like you have to push them over a cliff, and hope they hit a lot of stuff on the way down.

3) In groups of friends, is there always a token ugly person... or am I totally on crack?

4) Sometimes, I just want to steal from people who have nicer/more things than I do because they probably deserve it- but then again, why should I steal their shit? The only reason they have so many material possessions is obviously because they are ugly and boring, and I am neither of those things.

5) I really hate it when I see someone walking down the street wearing a kick-ass outfit, but then they have on some seriously bad shoes. There's just no excuse for ugly footwear.

6) Going to skid bars is so much fun, because it doesn't matter what day it is- you're pretty much always the best person in the bar.

7) Do you ever wonder why they keep coming up with t.v. shows that are set in Hawaii, but when you actually watch an episode, they never show anyone Polynesian?

8) I don't care what anybody says; 'call waiting' is so rude. Who the fuck likes to be put on hold?

9) Not to ruin anyone's appetite or anything, but those cinnamon twist thingies from Taco Bell are somewhat reminiscent of pork rinds sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar.

10) Just because it's a bad idea, doesn't mean it wouldn't be fun to see if you're a lucky enough bastard to pull it off.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

not a bitch... duck hunt 

You all know how much I like to curse; how I'm always 'fuck this', and 'that's a bunch of shit', and 'this blows goats, goddammit'. Mostly, my favourite expletive is 'fuck'. It can be used under most circumstances, and it just sounds so cool... in a sort of I'm-in-highschool-I-can-do-whatever-I-want kinda way. Okay, no, it's really simply the best swear word out there. On the other hand, there is the word 'c***'. The reason I'm not spelling it out is because it's probably a little more offensive than 'fuck', and I honestly don't want people googling the actual word and coming up with my site. Although, it's probably a longshot. Anyway, it's not like I don't ever use the word- it's more that I believe it should only be used in special circumstances. Like when some trampy girl at the bar keeps drunkenly asking you where you got your shoes, as she's spilling some trashy blue drink all over them, and you've told her for the ninety-third time that it doesn't matter because they are last season, and she won't be able to get them anyway, but she just laughs and staggers, spilling more blue crap on the shoes. People, this trampy girl is not only a bitch, she is also a c***. See how it works? For instance, you call up your cellphone company because they keep fucking up on your bills, and you end up talking to some girl who thinks her job is really, really important, and while you kind of agree, she's talking to you like you are five years old, but you're really twenty-seven, and so that kind of annoys you, but you think, no, you'd better be polite to her or she may decide she doesn't want to help you, but the more questions you ask her, the more she answers your questions in the same manner, and then you ask to speak to someone higher up in the company so you can get a better idea of what the shit is going on with your billing, and she says that she IS the higher up in the company, and no one else can answer the questions you're asking, so you agree, and then she tries selling you features that you already said you didn't need at the beginning of the conversation, and she says that she doesn't remember you telling her that, which is utter bullshit and you know it, and after all this time, she still hasn't answered your question as to why your phone bills are way out of whack. This person? Is a grade-A c***. For real.
But you know, it's not always appropriate. If your best friend won't share her bottle of Italian red with you, she's not a c***, she's just being a bitch. And even when your mother is a bitch to you, she's not a c***. It's pretty key to know when and when not to use the 'c' word. I'm fairly sure it's something that can't really be taught, and it probably comes with having a certain amount of tact... something which I doubt that I know too much about. Meh. Anyway, that was my interesting thought that grew in my brain over lunch. In retrospect, thank god I leave my brain in the 'neutral' position more often than not. And now back to regularly scheduled programming.

it's a fashion with a gun, my love 

It's Thursday; what can I say? After work I'm going to go to the Cat and Fiddle and eat a cheap-ass cheeseburger, and drink a couple of pints of cheap-ass locally brewed beer. I mean, what else am I going to do- it's been raining since last week, and I'm one of those people who uses bad weather as an excuse to drink. Or to eat stuff that is bad for me. I will admit that. Honestly, when it rains this much, I actually kind of miss the snow. I know it's weird, but at least when it snows here it can be sunny at the same time. No dice when it rains. Well, not usually anyway.

So, now that I've got all that pointless drivel out of the way, I've decided that since you guys seem to like quizzes an awful lot (actually, maybe I just like quizzes an awful lot), I'm going to post some sort of a quiz every Thursday from now on. Besides, quizzes are a hell of a lot more fun than diving into the fucked up recesses of my brain to come up with something witty to post. People who have known me for many a year have started to come up to me, concerned that I have killed all of my brain cells containing wit with my drinking and toking. Let me assure you, this is untrue. For real. Blah, blah, blah. Lounge act. Lounge hat. Punch it, Chewie. Oh yeah... quiz.

the ILJ quiz part 2!
do it up, yo, and then see how ya did.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

jimmy crack corn, and i don't care 

Hi there. I tried to post this once before, but Blogger went all screwy and erased all the shit that was here. People keep suggesting that I host my blog elsewhere, but I believe that costs money... and I'm far too cheap for that. You know it. So anyway, I'm typing this out in Word, because I think I've finally learned my lesson.
It's the return of Weird Word Wednesday. Love it, or I'll have the mob put a hit on you. Even though I don't know anyone in the mob. Asian gangsters, then. I'll send Asian gangsters after you. Just like that.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Syphilophobia: fear of syphilis
2) Tyromancy: divination using cheese
3) Urticate: to sting; to flog with nettles
4) Virgal: composed of twigs
5) Worsification: the composition of bad poetry
6) Xylocarp: hard and woody fruit
7) Yowie: a little ewe
8) Zouk: Carribean disco dance (I think I've used this one before. I'm repetitive like that.)
9) Autothaumaturgist: person pretending to be mystical or mysterious
10) Byssus: mummy-wrapping fabric

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

what have you done for me lately? 

I haven't made you guys do one of these in awhile, so here. Do the goddamn quiz already.
The Most Recent ILJ Quiz take my quiz, fucker, and then see if you actually read anything i post, or are just a sorry-ass lounge act.

it's the same old song, but with a different meaning since you've been gone 

I'm glad I'm not one of those people who started a blog to become popular, or because I thought I was a top-notch writer, because it invariably comes down to this- I don't have anything interesting to write about these days. No shitty drivers cutting me off on the way to work, no drunk assholes hitting on me at the bar, no tornados touching down in the city, no one going to jail or, at the very least, getting hauled off to the drunk tank, not even me doing something embarrassing during a night of inebriation. Nothing. And if you want to know the truth? For me, that's pretty fucking sad. So, I'm thinking I need to do something about it. Solutions to this problem include moving to Vancouver where all the fun people are, stirring up shit right here in Cowtown (and much to the chagrin of people who think it's high time I started being a more responsible human being), or possibly threatening people to move here (maybe not 'threatening' so much as 'bribing'). Until then, I suppose I'll just have to hope that something cool happens. If it does, I'll let you know.

Ten Questions People Ask You And The Best Ways To Answer Them
(From: Fleecey's Guide To Being A Bitch)

1) Question: Can I have your phone number?
Answer: No. I don't even have a fucking phone.

2) Q: Do you know what time it is?
A: Yes... but if you think I'm going to tell you, you're wrong.

3) Q: Do I look fat in this?
A: No, but you look stupid in it.

4) Q: I forgot my wallet at home, will you buy me a beer?
A: I don't think so. I don't believe in donating to charity.

5) Q: I love that shirt, where did you get it?
A: I'd tell you, but I actually think you'd look fairly ugly in it.

6) Q: Can I borrow your cellphone to call someone?
A: Yes. Oh, and that'll be thirty-five cents.

7) Q: Did you buy that at [insert store name here]?
A: No, I actually stole it.

8) Q: Do you have five cents I can borrow?
A: Sure, but I'll need you to return it to me tomorrow, first thing.

9) Q: Is that [insert type of food here] you're eating good?
A: No. It sucks ass. And that's exactly why I keep on eating more of it.

10) Q: What do you think?
A: We really don't have enough time for me to get into what I think.

Being a bitch may not make you many friends, but really, bartenders and weed dealers are the only friends you'll ever need.

Monday, August 23, 2004

who is this guy, and why is he smiling? 


This is Kyle. Kyle is smiling because he won a gold medal in the Olympics in Men's Gymnastics yesterday. Why do I care? Well, Kyle is from Calgary, and he is my friend's cousin. I think it's pretty cool that someone I know won a gold medal in the Olympics. And I'm actually talking to my friend on MSN right now- it's quite exciting really. So, I have to cop out and go. But anyway, congrats to Kyle from everyone in Cowtown!

Friday, August 20, 2004

i try and feel the sunshine; you bring the rain 

God. Damn. It. All. To. Hell.
That hot tub? Has got to go. Here's the thing- I'm not actually sure what the hell is going on. This morning, they were in there talking loudly and laughing at non-funny shit. This morning, being 4:30 in the morning. So, what I don't know is if they just stay up all night turning into white-trash prunes, or if they get up at the ass-crack of dawn to go sit in the hot tub until a couple of them have to go to work. Or if they just switch around and do both. You see, the Boy has to get up early anyway for work, but getting up early shouldn't ever have to include waking up two hours before the alarm is set to go off, because some inconsiderate folk next door are having a ghetto soup party. Oh yeah, I will so go there. What I'll give them is that because the hot tub is by the fence, their dog that they keep chained up and never, ever play with is quieter at night... but I think I'd rather deal with a dog barking than listen to irritatingly low-class conversations when I could be catching some extra z's in the AM. Someone suggested that we close the window. Okay, motherfucker, but it's humid and gross in the house because it's old and not insulated very well, and the only way to alleviate that is to keep the window open at night so that the cooler air can come in. Yeah, THAT suggestion was one worthy of only a LOUNGE HAT. And that brings us to MY solution. And because this is me, you all must realize that I'm all into the 'go hard or go home', because it is the only way to teach fucktards lessons that they will actually learn and not go off, drink some goddamned Club Beer (TM) and forget about. So, I figure the way to get straight to the point is to fill their hot tub with raw sewage. And see how they like THEM apples. You see? NEVER, EVER get on my bad side, or test my 'patience' and 'kindness'. Because patience? Almost nonexistant. Kindness? Not unless you happen to be a fuzzy animal of some sort. And my bad side? Honey, my good side IS my bad side.

On that note, happy Friday, all.
Wishing you crates and crates of MGD, infinite glasses of Pisco Sours, and a Freight Train or four to help and create the worst hangover of your life.
Feel like puking yet? Just don't miss the target, loser. Love, Evil Fleecey.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

i'm a cold heartbreaker, fit to burn, and i'll rip your heart in two 

I'm fucking starving. No, seriously. We cleaned the house top to bottom last night (okay, not 'to bottom'- that part's still a mess), and by the time I realized I hadn't eaten anything since noon, it was already 9. Goddammit all to hell. So, being as I was way too tired to whip up anything complicated, I made a couple packages of instant noodles that ended up getting shared with bf. And now I am hungry. STARVING. All I managed to eat this morning were a few oat square cereal pieces in a bag, since I ran out of time while watching television before I was due to go to work. Exciting shit. I totally bail out on WWW, and now I post about how I'm so hungry I could resort to cannibalism. Classic ILJ. So just deal with it already. Now excuse me while I go eat my own fucking arm.

New word:
LOUNGE HAT

It's a combination of 'lounge act' and 'asshat'. Nice, huh? But I can't take credit for this one... it was all Cindy's doing.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

working hard or hardly working? 

Please pick the first one, for it is the truth. I have to get all my shit done- I'm going on holidays week after next. I guess 'holidays' is bullshit for 'I'm taking a week off work, but have nowhere to go, so I'm really just staying around the city, scratching my ass and doing fuck all'. That's how it goes. So anyway, because I'm posting so late in the day, no WWW this week (sorry to disappoint you all, but does anyone even know how much time posting the WWW list actually takes? Especially when you're doing it at work?). Instead, I offer you this copout shit, stolen directly from another blog. I have no shame, but half the shit I see on peoples' blogs is ripped off from somewhere else. So there. Feel free to steal it from me, should you also lack material to post.

Me In Layers

LAYER ONE:
-- Name: fleecey/felice/bitch/fucker/lounge act/asshat
-- Birthdate: december 30th, 1976
-- Birthplace: north york, ON canada (now just toronto, if anyone cares)
-- Current Location: calgary fuckin' AB canada
-- Eye Color: brown
-- Hair Color: currently brown. actually, i think it's just brown anyway.
-- Height: five foot six
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: capricorn (yeah, asshole, it IS a goat fish. stick that in yer pipe and smoke it. bitch.)

LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: indo/dutch/chinese (indo as in indonesia, just in case you were too stupid to figure it out all on your own.)
-- The shoes you wear: i have over ninety pairs. you pick which ones you wanna see.
-- Your weakness: everytime i pass by that gelato shop on the way home from somewhere, i have to make a stop. even though gelato is why i'm still fat.
-- Your fears: fears are superficial.
-- Your perfect pizza: veggie with extra cheese and artichoke hearts.
-- Goals you'd like to achieve: to have goals.

LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: i use full sentences most of the time. so, none.
-- Your thoughts first waking up: fuck this shit.
-- Your best physical feature: my...legs. yeah. sure.
-- Your bedtime: whatever time i wake up realizing i've been passed out on the couch for an indeterminate amount of time.

LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: whatever's there, but i don't normally drink carbonated beverages other than beer. unless you buy them for me.
-- McDonald's or Burger King: depends on which one i'm craving more at the time. usually wendy's. but these days, i don't eat much fast food.
-- Single or group dates: single. two of my best friends date recovering alcoholics. it kind of limits where we can go that we would all enjoy.
-- Adidas or Nike: nike is SO early nineties. plus, i'm not too fond of the whole slave labour thing. y'know?
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: what the fuck is this- battle of the brands? if i'm thirsty, i don't usually give a shit about the brand. just get me a bottle of iced tea, and get it NOW.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: both, and also strawberry. and coconut.
-- Cappuccino or coffee: neither, although i make a mean cappucino. i like iced chai with soy milk and honey. i'm a snob like that.

LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: weed
-- Cuss: cuss? where i come from, it's called swearing. and i do it every other word.
-- Sing: in the car, windows rolled down, LOUD. in tune, mostly, but with your occasional pitch problem.
-- Take a shower everyday: unless i can't find the shower because i'm blotto.
-- Have a crush: on my boyfriend, of course. oh, and hugo. can't forget hugo.
-- Do you think you've been in love: no. i just use people for sex :P
-- Go to college: been there.
-- Liked high school: hehe... 'high'.
-- Want to get married: well, i guess.
-- Believe in yourself: a little too much, if yo ask me.
-- Get motion sickness: if i'm the passenger, and you are one shitty ass driver.
-- Think you're attractive: i'm fucking hott, dude.
-- Think you're a health freak: okay... what was that word again? health...? am i supposed to know what it means?
-- Get along with your parents: mostly.
-- Like thunderstorms: yes.
-- Play an instrument: the viola. so right there, i am already better than anyone who doesn't play one. ha. how do like THEM apples? how?

LAYER SIX:
-- Drank alcohol: i'm naming my first kid alcohol.
-- Smoked: like it was going out of season.
-- Done a drug: 'a' drug? as in just one? fuck, do you know what the title of this blog is?
-- Had Sex: dude, there's word for people who haven't had sex by my age.
-- Made Out: hello- i'm pretty sure that since i've had sex, there had to be making out in there somewhere.
-- Ever gone on a date: no. dates are for motherfuckers. of course, lounge act.
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: and puked black and white.
-- Eaten sushi: mmm... sushi...
-- Been on stage: lots and lots.
-- Been dumped: once.
-- Gone skating: ice skating or skateboarding? both.
-- Made homemade cookies: i'd like to, but i'm too lazy, so buying the pre-existing mix is as close as it gets.
-- Gone skinny dipping: former competitive swimmer. we live for shit like that.
-- Dyed your hair: i dye it every year.
-- Stolen anything: just your soul.

LAYER SEVEN:
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: uh-huh
-- If so, was it mixed company: isn't it usually?
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: again, i am naming my first child alcohol.
-- Been caught "doing something": what, you haven't?
-- Been called a tease: only by the ugly boys.
-- Gotten beaten up: people run in FEAR of me. so, no.
-- Shoplifted: when i was six.
-- Changed who you were to fit in: why bother? if you didn't fit in to begin with, you'll never fit in. life's funny like that.

LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: i didn't know i had to have an age picked out and all.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: wow, this thing is goddamned repetitive.
-- Describe your dream wedding: eloping.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: i have no answer to this, since i have no intention whatsoever of growing up.
-- What country would you most like to visit: indonesia. for obvious reasons.

LAYER NINE:
-- Best eye color: brown. or green. better if you have one brown eye and one green eye.
-- Best hair color: blue-black with pink streaks.
-- Short or long hair: depends on whose hair it is. short hair looks hideous on some people, but amazing on other people.
-- Height: i don't discriminate.
-- Best weight: what is this, germany circa hitler?
-- Best articles of clothing: jeans
-- Best first date location: anywhere fun
-- Best first kiss location: my ASS

LAYER TEN:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: if it's all the same to you, i lost count a long time ago.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: i think it's pretty safe to say i could count them on one hand (or one foot, if you're missing hands).
-- Number of CDs that I own: if i bothered to keep track, i might be able to tell you.
-- Number of piercings: 2- one in each ear.
-- Number of tattoos: one so far. there was supposed to be four. there still will be, whenever i get around to it.
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: i used to compete in the annual music festival between the ages of 9 and 17. i won a lot. so between that and the times i've had a 'letter to the editor' published... quite a few.
-- Number of scars on my body: enough.
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: regret is nonexistant for me.

Monday, August 16, 2004

when you change with every new day 

It's official. I think all of the cool/fun people have left Cowtown. Or are soon to be departed. Or have been replaced overnight by grown-up, boring, non-drinking/partying individuals who resemble my friends but can't possibly be, on account of how ridiculously boring they are. I realize that I rant about this topic often, and it can't be very interesting after the umpteenth time, but I don't know what else to do. I am slowly growing 'old'. That's right, two years closer to the big three-oh . And other than being a tiny little bit better with money (read: not really, but I like to convince myself that I am), and having been independant for quite some time now, and having prudish opinions about the way kids these days choose to attire themselves... I have not matured at all since I was a 19-year-old. I love clothing from Banana Republic, Tristan, and Mexx... and yet I still own a belt buckle in the shape of a kitty cat head, wear t-shirts emblazoned with such slogans as 'I promise to be nicer if you promise to be smarter', and I absolutely refuse to trade in my tight pink cords and blood-red leather pants for something more sophisticated. People want to go watch 'The Barbarian Invasions', and I say, hell no, let's go watch 'Dodgeball' instead. My friends have beautiful matching dishes, and all their cutlery comes in a set... and I'm still grabbing forks and knives from the thrift store two blocks away (I still use a lot of my knives to smoke blades, thank you very much). And that's just me. The way I live still works for me. I manage just fine, and I'm in no immediate hurry for this way of life to change. But it seems like my closest group of friends is ready to move on, whether or not I decide to come with them. And by 'move on', I mean to a more 'adult' way of life. Replete with house in the suburbs, husband, 2.5 kids, white picket fence, dog, and two cars. This is what they want, or are made to believe that they want. But not me. I hate the suburbs- I am terrified of them; they are so horrifying with their rows of identical houses, no trees, and occupants devoid of any real personality. I'm not married yet, but I'm in no hurry. Hurried marriages end in divorce, and it's my goal in life to not ever have to deal with divorce. Kids? Yeah, right. I want 'em, but right now I know I wouldn't be able to provide for them financially or emotionally, and I would never want any offspring of mine to resent the fact that I was their mother. White picket fence... well, if I ever get around to painting it maybe. I'd love a dog, but realistically, I'm out of the house far too often to have a creature around that relies on me to be there (see the part about kids). I just bought my car. And there's no way I can afford to buy another one. So that's how it goes for me. I'm being realistic about this shit- when it works out it works out. But not now. I don't see why my friends have to suddenly shift their focus to these goals when just the other day, we were all just sitting around trying to pick a place to go out drinking. Maybe I'm completely missing something... but I don't get it. I don't get it. What the hell is the point of forcing these things to happen in your life? They will happen eventually, and if they don't? Then you probably were never meant to have any of those things in the first place.
Fuck... I'm rambling. It's just that some things/people are so disappointing. But I guess it's probably nothing that a bottle of MGD and a good meal couldn't fix.

Friday, August 13, 2004

the son is drowning in the flood 

Just a short post today- I'm busy. I should be back on Monday... unless I'm busy then, too. You know, work and shit. But it's EPD Friday, and it's FRIDAY THE 13TH, at that. So you have to get something.

Don't You Hate It When...

1) ... you go out to eat on a weeknight, and the pub you go to has a special with cheeseburgers for $3.85 and locally brewed pints for $3.85, and if you get the combo it's supposed to be $7.35, but you only order one beer because you only have $11 in your wallet (and are DRIVING), and the waitress is a total bitch and charges the burger and the beer as seperate items because you only bought the one beer? Well, I fucking hate it.

2) ... the person driving in front of you is going 30 km under the speed limit on an off ramp, and there's no way you can merge into traffic because they have forced you to slow almost to a stop, and when you try to see what it is that this person is doing to be driving so goddamned slowly, you realize that they are doing their nails, curling their hair, and putting on makeup. This is exactly the kind of shit that makes you wish vigilante justice was something you can't be punished for.

3) ... you wear flip flops because it's summer, and godammit, it should be hot enough to do that, but it ends up pouring rain, and you keep slipping around in your flip flops because they are slimy from your own foot-sweat, and the addition of water falling from the sky in vast amounts just makes it a hundred times worse? No? Then you're one of those people who probably doesn't burp/fart/take a shit/perspire. Fucker.

4) ... you run out of toilet paper because you didn't bother to check before you sat down?

5) ... you pee like ten times before you sleep so you won't have to get up in the middle of the night, but you have to pee anyway an hour before your alarm goes off? Maybe it's a fucking bladder problem. In any event, I would sure be pissed off if it was, and I had to wear DEPENDS in the future. I don't even want to think about it anymore.

Happy Friday. Lounge acts.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

and then? 

Sorry for the mass A.D.D., but you so have to try this out.
Rob's Amazing Poetry Generator.
You type in your URL, and out pops a little gem of a poem based on the contents of your blog. And yes, I stole this from someone else's blog. I'm a rat bastard like that. This is how one of my poems turned out:

i lit a freakazoidal maniac?
4 Lutarious:
Inhabiting mud 5 Cyprian:
Lewd woman; it is as a
woman, prostitute
6 Dystopia:
Place where we
do is my vehicle. Goddammit.How you
want Stupidity can be like...
this: summer were pretty rough on
DVD. definitely more suited as a
CD but now
sneak
out later to sleep from my second favourite
Saturday.


Nice, huh? Now, how does your poem go?

i see you drunk, i start to laugh 

Whoa, I was so busy not being busy that I totally forgot about WWW. But I didn't really. Or maybe I did. I have severe A.D.D., so who really knows for sure? Couldn't do make it two weeks in a row, though, because then I'd just be a complete lounge act. So, give'r skidoo on the big rig, here's yer list.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Ithyphallic: Indecent; immoral
2) Jumboism: Admiration for large things (dude... large things, eh...)
3) Kuru: Brain disease transmitted by cannibalism
4) Lutarious: Inhabiting mud
5) Mustelid: Otters, badgers and weasels
6) Nothous: Spurious; bastard
7) Ozostomia: Bad breath
8) Pyrophorus: Substance that spontaneously combusts
9) Quisquilious: Made of rubbish
10) Rosmarine: Mythical walrus-like sea animal that feeds on dew (uh, okay.)

Oh yeah, and since it's directly related to 3), you might want to check out THIS. Kuru indeed.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

of mice and men 

You would think it was bad enough that the trashy neighbours bought a hot tub a couple of months ago and, on occasion, sit in the goddamned thing all night long talking a little bit too loudly, and cackling at jokes that I'm pretty sure are not even all that funny. Such an occasion was last night, which carried on into the wee hours of the morning. I am not impressed in the least, and I predict that this is going to be a VERY long winter. But hot tubs and white trash neighbours aside... the mice are back. What mice? Oh... yeah, I guess I've never actually mentioned that we have a bit of a problem involving mice. Our house is at the bottom of a hill and not too far from the river. To the best of my knowledge (or due to shit I've read on the internet, or possibly been told by someone at some point in time), the location of our house is why mice are wont to frequent it. Or maybe I'm speaking of rats... although, we do not have rats in this part of the country. Anyway, the mice that were living in the house earlier this summer were extinguisehed with great difficulty. These were not stupid mice, and they seemed to possess an ability to withstand the poison we attempted to feed them. Everyday, the poison would disappear from the spot behind the dishwasher where we put it, but from the sound of scurrying little feet at night, we were pretty sure the mice were not succumbing as we had hoped. Finally, we just started setting up traps in the heating vents. That seemed to do the trick, and eventually I didn't have to wake up in the morning to the sound of rodents in the ceiling (our room is in the basement).
Two days ago, the Boy said that the mice were back. I didn't believe him because I didn't hear anything, so I said maybe it was the wind, or one of the cats from next door going through the shed. But this morning (after I went back to sleep from being woken up by the neighbours in their hot tub), I woke up because I heard little feet running back and forth in the ceiling. Fucking mice. How the hell am I supposed to sleep in with that racket going on? Sure, they're probably each just the size of my big toe, but they make a noise akin to small (okay, tiny) horses galloping overhead. Plus, they were squeaking. Goddammit. How can things that look so cute be such an annoyance? It might be time to call the exterminators, because I don't know if I want to wait until winter for them to perish.

p.s. can you say BORED? i updated my '100' page again. sometimes work just blows.

Monday, August 09, 2004

the rulers of the wasteland 

My weekend was fairly uneventful. Friday night, the Boy and I went to go see The Village. If you haven't already seen it, just wait for it to come out on DVD. It's definitely more suited as a rental for a night at home. Trust me. Should have probably gone to see The Manchurian Candidate instead. Saturday, I got together with a couple of my friends. We meant to go out and get ripped, but strangely enough, no one really felt like it after dinner. We are now planning a drinking/dancing trip to Banff this month, instead. I know, my weekends should be full of booze and bad behaviour, but I've been pathetic lately, and most of the time I'd rather grab a case from the neighborhood liquor store and stay at home. Could be the shit weather we've been getting these days. Somehow, I really hate going out during the summer in Cowtown if sitting on the patio isn't an option, due to... well, due to THIS. Son of a bitch. And it's not even September yet.

On a brighter note, guess what I'm going to on October 2nd.
No, guess. GUESS. Okay, obviously you don't want to fucking guess.

What's so great about October 2nd?

Well, it's sure exciting for me.

Friday, August 06, 2004

the one we danced to all night long 

I had to look at the calendar to fully believe it... but it is, in fact, Friday once again. Hooray for Friday, for it is the day that leads to my second favourite day- Saturday. Because who the hell actually likes Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday (ugh- kill me now), or Thursday? If anybody is fond of any of those days, will you please come and see me so that I can put YOU out of MY misery (it's my Bush-ism, you dig??) Thank you.

Five Random Things


1) Do you ever go to the drug store (or pharmacy- whatever floats yer boat) and realize that men actually have a greater selection of deodorants/antiperspirants than women do?
2) I made it all the way through the long weekend, complete with many hours of highway driving, without so much as a few bugs splattered about my windshield only to park my car in the lot at work, and come out later to find that a bird has shat all up the side of my vehicle. Goddammit.
3) For some reason, I am more than willing to go out dancing in any other city than the one in which I live. Did I mention I am a freakazoidal maniac?
4) I am happy for you if you have found religion/Jesus/God/Buddha/Jehovah/etc., but that's your business. I don't want to hear about how religion 'could change my life', or how you 'would like to help me find God'. I was a Catholic for 24 years. I no longer have a personal need for organized religion of any kind. I know all I need to know without you lecturing me like I'm some poor, misguided soul on the road to purgatory. But thanks for coming out.
5) Don't you hate when someone tells you that you look exactly like someone else that they know, but when you finally meet this person, they a) look nothing like you, b) are really ugly, or c) are of a completely different racial background than you are? Yeah. This pisses me off to no end.

Now sneak out of work early and go drinking. Yes, YOU. Go on. Get out of here.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

the rant about stupid girls and weird word thursday 

I am sure that by now, everyone knows that my number one pet peeve (along with all of my other ones- what good are pet peeves if they can't all be number one?) is STUPIDITY. Particularly the stupidity of women/girls/females. The gender what can bear children, if you like. As a woman, it is my responsibility to be knowledgeable on the topics I choose to converse/lecture people about, otherwise I'd single-handedly be setting feminism back about...oh, say... a hundred years or so. This is my opinion. But it seems to me that the more I stand around scrutinizing society and the people who make it up, I'm seeing this trend of women acting like bimbos/fucktards/asshats/whiny, shitty bitches as entertainment. Don't get me wrong; I do sometimes enjoy watching such women (Par!s H!lton and N!cole R!tch!e, etc.) make fuckers of themselves so that I can sit back and snicker at their stupid antics, and feel proud that I am intelligent and educated enough to have a good laugh at their collective expense. The problem? Not all women all smart enough all on their own to realize that although stupidity can be pretty funny on television, it really isn't all that funny in real life. Stupidity doesn't get you the jobs you want. Stupidity doesn't make you any truly worthwhile friends. Stupidity gets you nowhere. And unfortunately, our society is pretty rough on females with fewer brain cells than average. If a man does something stupid? No worries, he's a man. Men do shit like that all the time. It's normal. It has nothing to do with his mental capacity. If a woman does something stupid? Whoa dude, stop the fucking press! That bitch is stoo-pid. If you think I'm talking out of my ass and are into the whole chicks acting/being dumb thing, that's fine with me. I'm just saying... would it kill the stupid girls to pick up a book once in awhile? And I don't mean Cosmo. That's not a goddamned book.
only they know for sure which one is stupider.

Okay, as promised yesterday...
Weird Word Thursday. One time event (because WWT is not as cool as WWW). That's right, one time only. Read 'em and... well, read 'em and do whatever you want to do. I'm not the boss of you. Jeez.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Yuke: To itch
2) Zymurgy: Branch of chemistry dealing with brewing and distilling
3) Axilla: Armpit
4) Baculus: Rod, staff, or scepter of power
5) Cyprian: Lewd woman; prostitute
6) Dystopia: Place where all is as bad as possible
7) Exstrophy: Turning an organ inside out
8) Fundus: The bottom of anything
9) Gynotikolobomassophile: One who nibbles on women’s earlobes
10) Hypercathexis: Manic desire for a particular object

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

we are experiencing technical difficulties... 

Sorry for the lack of your regularly scheduled WWW list. I'm busier than hell today. I'll visit you all in a bit. Stay tuned for tomorrow's one time only Weird Word Thursday. It'd be wrong on so many levels if I didn't put up a word list this week. It would be like... if I all of a sudden gave up smoking dope and became some crazed, David Koresh-like individual. So very wrong. Catch you tomorrow.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

stand and deliver, or the devil he may take ya 

Well, hey there. I'm back from my weekend of non-debauchery. I was actually too busy lying on the beach getting burnt to bother with booze. But now I'm back, and the weather here is so shitty that all I want to do is drink. Besides lying on said beach, I also played a round of disc golf here. If you don't know what disc golf is, let me tell you. It's golf played with a frisbee. But not a regular frisbee, one that looks like this:

Okay, so in this picture it looks like a regular frisbee anyway... fuck you. It's a little larger than a CD but smaller than like... that 'Starship' album that I know you have in vinyl. Lounge act. Anyway, it's a fringe sport that practically no one I talk to about it has ever heard of, and it's about five million times more fun than actual golf. Except you don't get to drive around in golf carts, and golf carts are really pretty fun. So, disc golf is a sport for people who like throwing shit and walking around. No wonder I like it. Plus, I totally have a better score at disc than in regular golf. Again, no wonder I like it.
This is all very boring to you, of course. Yeah. Well deal with it. This is all you get today.