jump out, jump out, get your groove on [i lit a joint and burned my eyebrow] <$BlogRSDURL$>

Thursday, July 29, 2004

for the times when you want to go and bust rhymes real slow 

*warning* the offense rating for this post is HIGH.

I've probably used the title for this post before, but I'm too lazy to go back into my archives and check. Who has the time to do that? Not this lounge act. I'm far too busy for that shit. Doing what, you might ask? Pssht... yeah, like I'm going to tell you. Fucker. Anyway, since I may not have the time (or motivation) to post tomorrow, I present to you Top Three Thursday. ::What the fuck, you idiot, you're supposed to do the copout post today!:: Yeah. I care so much. I decided that Top Three Thursday sounds a hell of a lot... cooler (because being cool is of the utmost importance to me- I still think it's high school, bitch-) than Top Three Tuesday. I mean, who likes Tuesdays anyway? Do you like Tuesdays? Exactly.

Top Three...

...Fashion trends I hate
1) Low-cut swimsuit bottoms. With love-handles like mine? This shit just doesn't work. And who the crap has money to get liposuction?

2) Those tiny little skirts that barely cover your ass when you stand, and you probably shouldn't try sitting in. Kudos to you if you have the body to pull it off, but I see a lot of people who do not have the body types to wear such skirts parading around in them, like it's something to be proud of. To set the record straight, I can't wear such skirts, therefore,  I do not wear them.

3) People who dress like skaters/surfers/cyclists/skiers etc. but can't do any of those things, and have never even tried. Dressing like one isn't going to make you one, and it is sure as fuck not going to make you any friends in those circles. The only good poser is... there isn't.

...That only I find funny (well, maybe you find them funny too)
1) West Nile Virus.
2) SARS ( or in french, SRAS.)
3) People who don't drink because 'In the bible it says drinking is evil'.

... Word misspellings I fucking can't stand (we've been through this before, but this time I'm not going to bother being nice about it, because I'm a bitch like that. I like to repeat shit until people learn.)
1) YOU'RE. Misuse: Watch you're step. Translation: Watch you are step. Feel like a dipshit now? The word you want is YOUR.
2) DEFINATELY or DEFINANTLY. The last time I checked the dictionary (which was probably like five minutes ago; I'm pretty fastidious about spelling) it was spelled DEFINITELY. As in DEFINITE. I have no idea what DEFINATE or DEFINANT mean. If you know, please fill me in. I hate to be the last to know.
3) WIERD. You're probably the ass hats who still go by that whole *'i' before 'e', except after 'c'* garbage. Well, it's WRONG. That rule doesn't work for everything, and eventually you're just going to have to learn how to spell things properly. No smoke and mirrors. W-E-I-R-D. How hard was that? Maybe for some of you it was like running a marathon.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

he used to have teeth all filled with gold 

Right now, even though I will have no money after paying all my bills, I am considering purchasing tix to the Beastie Boys concert in Seattle on September 19th. The tickets aren't what I don't have money for- I always have money for tickets- it's the trip out there and back. I don't have the kind of dough to afford me a round trip flight. Maybe I will drive. The concert is on a Sunday, anyhow. I could take the Monday off of work and use that day to drive back to Calgary. Fuck, sounds like a plan (lounge act) to me... even though now that I think about it, I will probably end up finding a way to fly out. I don't want to put too many miles on my car, since I've only owned the thing for two months. Airplanes are quicker, too. You know... just completely ignore all of this. It's more of a 'note to self' kind of deal, really.

Here are your words.  I hope you like them. Personally? I'm dyslexic and can't even read half the words I put in this list. You know how it is.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Obganiate: To irritate someone by constantly repeating oneself
2) Paedarchy: Government by children
3) Quantophrenia: Obsessive reliance on statistics and mathematical results
4) Radicle: Root-like organ or part (Ha, ha! Radicle.)
5) Saccadic: Jerky; twitching (Have I used this one before? Fucking deja-vue.)
6) Taeniacide: Killing of tapeworms
7) Uliginous: Slimy; oozy; swampy; growing in swampy places
8) Vermivorous: Eating worms
9) Wasserman: Man-shaped sea monster (Okay, what the fuck?)
10) Xylophilous: Fond of wood; living in or on wood (... You know what? I'll leave this one alone for now.)

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

save the drama for yo mama 

These days, I'm really not into 'the drama'. You know? What I mean is that I really like everything in my life to be pretty simple; just enough shit going on to keep me occupied, but not too much. Perhaps it has a lot to do with being brought up in an Asian household. My parents did not have a lot of tolerance for melodramatic bullshit. With my folks? If there was a problem, well it damn well had better be solved by the end of the day. But that's just me and how I was taught to think. There are a lot of other people who seem to thrive on stuff in their lives being difficult. Take my friend 'Kid A', for example. No, ass hat, her real name is not Kid A. That's a Radiohead album. But Kid A seems to fit quite nicely, since I'm really good at using obvious pseudonyms for people (providing you know who I'm speaking of, which you do not because you presumeably do not know this person, but it's an obvious pseudonym because her name starts with the letter 'A').  Anyway, here is my version of the story (which is as true as it gets- I eat liars for breakfast). If there are parts that seem 'missing' it's because I didn't have the time or the patience to get into it. Yeah. Well...

So Kid A currently has a bad living situation going on. DRAMA. Apparently it is worse than when she was living with her 'looks like a really ugly woman but is actually a really ugly man' boyfriend (now her ex) who a) cheated on her multiple times and never attempted to disguise it, and b) is a cheap son-of-a-bitch who made her pay his portion of the rent when he couldn't, but there was no reason he couldn't. She stayed with him for 6 years out of 'loyalty'. DRAMA. Now she lives with some flaky university drama kids she attends school with. The one roomie is a guy who was previously described to me as 'a closet homosexual', and he is very good friends with this girl Kid A works with. I will call her Work Girl. Said girl does not like Kid A. At all. In fact she *constantly* tries to get Kid A fired, kicked out of the house (although Work Girl does not live there), etc. DRAMA. The other roomie is a freakazoidal maniac who rarely comes 'out of character' because he has no social skills to speak of, and he doesn't work much. He prefers to sit in his room surfing for porn on the internet. He liked Kid A at first, but has now joined forces with roomie number one. DRAMA. I asked Kid A why she couldn't just move out, and she told me she signed a lease for a whole year. Now bear in mind, she moved into this house never having seen it or anything. Maybe this is just me, but I can't sign a lease to live with other people if I don't know whether or not it will work out. And this is Calgary. You don't have to sign a lease for three quarters of the places that are advertised to rent. Not only that, but Kid A idiotically wrote cheques in advance for at least six months out of the year. WTF? It wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't a) in debt already *DRAMA*, or b) having to foot some of the rent for her delinquent roomies who don't have actual jobs, and can rarely afford the $450/month *DRAMA*. But that's so not the case.
Now here is where the 'fucked up' in 'fucked up situation' hits overdrive. I have another friend (D) who is moving into a place with her boyfriend next month. They are renting the main floor, but the basement is also for rent, and it's pretty damned nice for a basement. And the cost? $300/month. So, D asked Kid A if she would like to rent the basement. Kid A could break her lease, since all she would really lose is her damage deposit. Kid A said she would think about it. A week later, she said NO. What. The. Hell? No to $300 per month for rent? No to having no annoying, ass hat roommates who never have the money to pay the rent? No to not having to sign any kind of lease? And then it hit me. Girls like Kid A need the fucking drama. They need it because otherwise they would have nothing to come crying to the rest of us with. They need it because they are afraid that if they have nothing to complain about, then no one will actually care. They need it because they feel they are not interesting enough people without it. But the truth is, everything would be just fine for them without the drama. They wouldn't be in debt. They wouldn't have flaky roommates. They wouldn't stay with shitty boyfriends for 6 years and expect their friends to sympathize with them. And you know what? Yes, Kid A has been my friend since we were 12 years old, but isn't there a point in life where you just have to give up the drama because no one is listening anymore; because no one really cares anymore?
I don't need drama. Not in any way, shape, or form. Maybe that makes my life colossally boring, and me commonplace and unexciting, but I kind of like it that all I really have to worry about on most occasions is what brand of beer I'm going to buy at the liquor store. And the most drama I'll ever want in my life? When I get to liquor store and the motherfucker is already closed for the night.

Friday, July 23, 2004

i've got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow 

I'm going to give the EPDF list a rest this week, and instead regale you with a tale of misbehaviour and political uncorrectness. If you are of the easily offended variety and would prefer something a little more 'your cup of tea', then let me point you towards this site. Didn't find that funny? Too damn bad. I'm laughing my big ass off right now. So it must be funny.

My folks never said to me, 'Fleecey, since you're a quarter Chinese, you should not make fun of Chinese people.' Oh no. Not in my family. See, the way my family works is pretty much the complete opposite of the way most other 'visible minority' (Christ, I need to make up a better term for that) families operate. I'm roughly a quarter Chinese from my mom's side- it's actually probably a little less, but I'm not good at math so let's just leave it at that. If people ask 'what are you'(I fucking can't stand that question- it's poorly worded. I think they mean 'what's your racial background' or something more along those lines. Anyway...), I usually leave out the Chinese thing anyway because Mom and Dad were both born in Indo. More commonly known as Indonesia. But you can't call it Indo too unless it's your racial background, and I'm not a very nice person so I won't make any special allowances. You're probably wondering just what the crap I'm trying to get at with this long-winded intro. Well, here's where I was going.

So, I'm walking to work today, and I see the funniest shit ever. I'm passing by the married student residence complex by the university. During the summer, mostly foreign students live there because they are taking ESL classes at the U. Anyway, this Chinese dude rides by on a bike. He's wearing fucking dress shoes and carrying a briefcase-type bag across his shoulders. Yeah, okay. He rides past me, then tries to do some cool shit u-turn because... well, because he wanted to. The front tire skids on some gravel that's on the road, and because he can't quite get his foot down to stop him, he falls over. I look out of the corner of my eye, and start laughing at him. He seems almost completely oblivious to this, and gets back up. As he's riding away, I notice that he's about ten times too tall for the bike he's riding- it's a kid's mountain bike.
I know it's kind of redundant that the guy was Chinese, because he could have been a white guy, or a black guy, or an East Indian guy. But for some stupid reason, it was way funnier because he was Chinese. You probably think that's so horrible. It probably is. At least it's already a well-known fact that I will be going to hell upon my death. If that doesn't give you reassurance? Then you just really need to pull your head out of your ass already.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

It’s nice to know that most people find ILJ through Google-ing/Yahoo-ing ‘smoking bowls’, or something to do with eyebrows like ‘shaping eyebrows’ or ‘waxing eyebrows’. It’s a hell of a lot better than the people who find me by searching for some type of vulgarity or other. Not that I am completely innocent in my posting, but I try not to go out of my way to write anything other than my honest opinions or how I am feeling at the time I decide to sit down and click something out on the keyboard. Yeah, this is probably all very BO-RING to you. It is to me too. So, in typical Thursday Copout fashion, I’m out of here. Like the lounge act that I am. But I know you almost look forward to it… fucker. Now excuse me while I sit here and pretend to work while I actually sleep. No one can tell from behind. It's my secret to survival, dude. Like you didn't already know it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

jancro a go meet the retribution 

Never mind the title of this post- just a line from a Jimmy Cliff song. If you know it, then you know it. No, I didn't  a) go nuts and stop blogging, b) die, c) smoke so much weed I ended up in a coma. I hate being busy. No time to do nothing. And I mean nothing. So, here's your WWW list for this Wednesday. Have fun.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean
1) Ebberman: One who fishes under bridges
2) Facinorous: Atrociously wicked
3) Galactoid: Like or resembling milky; milky
4) Hadeharia: Constant use of the word 'hell'
5) Ichthyolatry: The worship of fish
6) Jecoral: Of or relating to the liver
7) Kakistocracy: Government by the worst
8) Labtebricole: Living in holes
9) Macon: Smoked, salted mutton
10) Nasutiform: Shaped like a nose

Dude... MACON!!!! HAHAHA!!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

the timing, and structure; did you hear? he fucked her 

Two words. Fucking. Crap.
Somedays, talking down to people or chewing people out for something that is not necessarily their fault but they are guilty for by association... actually feels good. If you don't know this already, I DO NOT like having things not go my way. A couple of weeks ago, the computer backup system here at work wasn't functioning properly, and as a result I lost a couple of folders. I kept asking if I should start building the folders again from scratch just in case the original ones couldn't be retrieved, but I was assured that no, I shouldn't waste my time working on them since they would be able to be retrieved with everything intact. Wellll... I got them back today, and lo and behold- THEY ARE NOT INTACT, AND IT SEEMS THAT I HAVE TO FUCKING BUILD THEM FROM SCRATCH AGAIN ANYWAY... AND I COULD HAVE HAD THEM DONE LAST WEEK HAD I KNOWN THAT THEY COULDN'T BE RETRIEVED. BUT NO... I WAS TOLD NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THEM. NOW I AM BUILDING THEM FROM SCRATCH JUST LIKE I HAD SUGGESTED LAST WEEK. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE THROWING THIS GODDAMN COMPUTER THROUGH THE WALL AND QUITTING THIS JOB BECAUSE I*HATE*MOTHERFUCKING*MAPS*.
Okay, I'm done yelling and cursing and breaking things now. I don't understand why everything in my life always has to be ten billion times harder than in anyone else's life. This same shit didn't happen to anyone else who's working on the same thing. It makes me feel like people I ask for help are intentinally sabotaging my work to make me look bad. Fuckers. They'll get theirs.  So yeah, I totally have been short and uncompromising to my coworkers today. And I don't even care. Things have just gone so abysmally wrong that I blame anyone who played any part. Yes, I am actually that immature. Dammit, where's beer when you need it?
p.s.- Top Three Tuesday will return next week when I don't feel like strangling someone.

Monday, July 19, 2004

might as well jump 

Yeah. That's right, Diamond Dave. Might as well jump. But I don't particularly feel like jumping right now, since I'm fucking exhausted. In a way, I'm hella glad Stampede is over- it was killing me slowly. Something like being stabbed to death with a spoon, but without the gore. I never learn. It's like this every year; Stampede week comes around and all of a sudden there is the inevitable (bullshit- everything is evitable)  lack of sleep, as well as the perenially empty bank account. And when I retrace my drunken steps to figure out exactly what the fuck I could have spent all of my money on, I realize that it all amounts to food, booze, and gambling. So, no big surprise there. I have issues with each of these three things, as I am fairly sure I've covered in this blog at some point or other. Holy shit, I can barely keep my eyes open. And besides, it's Monday, so I'm convinced that I don't actually write anymore today. Yeah, that's right. Might as well jump, David Lee Roth. That is, jump into bed and not wake up again until it is tomorrow. Now excuse me while my brain short circuits and I start snoring right here at my desk.

Friday, July 16, 2004

Four comments, so far, and two of them ARE MINE??
Come ON you guys. Actually, what the crap do I care? There are 15 minutes until I get to go home. Everyone have a safe weekend.
YEAH, RIGHT. Party your asses off. And if you can, please have a Pisco sour  for me. With a fucking cherry on top, lounge act. Oh yeah. Later.

dammit jim... i'm away for one day, and look at all the changes! 

So the Thursday Copout Post ended up being that I didn't post at all. We were having mass network problems at work yesterday, and I couldn't get blogger to load at all. ::But what about posting at home, after work?:: Uh... yeah... about that... it was really sunny and hot out, so I really didn't want to sit in front of the computer in the dark, dark basement. So, I sat out in the back yard and read a book instead. Seems like a fair enough trade to me.
Anyway, I figured I'd better not screw everyone over by ignoring EPD Friday again, because I'm nice like that. And what's up with this new new blogger shit? All of a sudden I have all these fucking options at the top of my editing window (or whatever the hell you call it). Not that I'm complaining, because it's all kinds of cool, but at first I thought I was in the goddamned twilight zone. Weird, dude. Uh... so where was I? Ah ha. EPD Friday, y'all.
Disclaimer: The following is SUPER offensive. As in, if you are new to this blog, I will probably make you cry. You have been warned. I take no responsibility for anything after this point.
Ten Things That I Assume Are Fairly Random But, Dammit, You Should Be Used To This By Now (it's actually more of a disjointed rant really, but you also knew that, right?)
1) Why is it that most people refuse to eat bananas when they have brown spots on the skin? You don't eat the skin, dude (and if you do... that's a whole other story that I don't want to get into right now)! If it bugs you that much, make some fucking banana bread. Seriously, it's not the same thing as eating a bruised apple (which is just gross). Trust me. Everyone's parents did when we were kids. I'm the kind of girl people trust without knowing why. That's not the point. I don't like wasting food for no good reason. For real.
2) I don't like people who call me saying they're going to come by the house and hang out in an hour, and then never show up. How can you feel good about yourself for making me wait around the house when there was shit I could have been doing, and know that you never had any intention of showing up? My life revolves around ME, mofo, not YOU. I have no problems ending friendships over this kind of bullshit. Besides, I have so many friends that I have to start killing off the old ones to make room for the new ones.
3) My skinny friends always make me look like a pig when we go out to eat, because they always order next to nothing. That's fine and all, but it makes me look bad. And I fucking KNOW that you're going to stop by at the Sev on your way home from the restaurant because YOU DIDN'T ORDER ENOUGH FOOD, ARE STARVING, AND NEED TO EAT A GIANT MICROWAVE BURRITO AND A BAG OF CHIPS OR YOU WILL DIE OF HUNGER! Also, they are always complaining that they have 'headaches' or 'have been feeling dizzy'. I bet I know what that's from. Jesus, doesn't anyone eat three meals a day anymore?
5) Girls who say to me, 'I don't drink beer' not as a fact, but with the tone of voice that they don't drink beer because they think it is low class, and they are better than me by not drinking it. Honey, what you drink has NOTHING to do with class. One of the shittiest, trashiest, un-classiest girls I knew in college drank nothing but expensive red wine. I had the decency to not question how she was able to afford such an expensive brand... I just heard it was probably from the money she made whoring herself out to the boys in engineering. I didn't doubt this.
6) People who give me stuff when I barely did anything? Good. My friend's brother bought me a case of MGD because I found his palm pilot lying around on 17th Ave after some of the Stanley Cup partying, and I kept it around the house until he could come get it. Dude, I didn't do anything. I was going to sell that shit on EBay. But I didn't. Maybe it pays to be a decent human being every now and then.
7) I have all these stickers of a hand flipping the bird that the Boy gave me at Christmas. I've stuck them to everything I can think of. It's just funny when I'm carrying my water bottle or coffee mug around the building, and I forget that I have the sticker pointed outwards at people. I get the strangest looks. ::That's certainly offensive. Does she work here? Who do I complain to about this?:: I love that kind of thing. I'm evil like that.
8) I've recently developed an obssession with watching Star Trek: The Next Generation. Or 'TNG', for those in the know. I used to mourn that it wasn't the same thing as Original Star Trek, with Shatner, but now that they play both series at the same time, I can fully appreciate TNG. Yeah, laugh it up. You're a GEEK TOO. DON'T THINK I CAN'T SEE YOU WATCHING 'DEEP SPACE NINE'! I AM OMNIPRESENT, FUCKER. GEEK.
9) Does anyone think I overuse the words 'fuck' and 'fucking'? Anyone? Because I do. I just can't think of better words to use in their places. Nothing else sounds right.
10) Sometimes I honestly get so hungry that I could probably eat my own goddamned ARM. Like right now. But I kind of need my arm. Both my arms, in fact. Wow. That's just STUPID, dude. Is it lunch time yet?

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

lounge act 

Has anybody noticed how fucking lazy I've gotten since the weather started getting nice? That's right- I've been all about capitalizing on my lunch hour to get some sun (sometimes going a little overboard, checking my watch, and realizing that I should've been back to work half an hour ago...). But whatever.
I was hanging out with my friend Nik last night because I haven't seen her at all since she up and moved all the way across town to some godforsaken, suburban hellhole of a neighborhood. Yeah. I enjoy suburbia about as much as I enjoyed my second root canal on the same tooth. So, seeing as how Nik has no car, I offered to drive out and meet her at a pub close to her house (see? I'm totally a nice person; I didn't make her take the bus downtown even though that would've been a hell of a lot closer for me) for a couple of pints. Okay... so what's the point of this story? I'm pretty sure there was one... oh yeah, there is. LOUNGE ACT. Waiting for it... what the fuck are you talking about, freak? 'Lounge act' is a term I used to use so frequently it'd make you wish you'd contracted West Nile and died so you wouldn't have to listen to me use it all the bloody time. 'Lounge act' is a term Robin (if you don't know who Robin is you actually have to click on the link and read the story. For real, fucker) and I made up to describe situations, people, places, things, etc. that we thought were messed up hard core, and to use in plce of 'gong show' or 'shit show' which were terms that way too many people were using for them to be anything but old news. Nik was there when we made up 'lounge act'. So, she basically asked me last night if I was still using 'lounge act'. Wow... I hadn't even thought about that in a good couple of years. I'm going to have to start using it again, just like in the good old (drunk old) days. That was the point of this story. Aren't you glad I told? Now go and read the WWW list, you crazy lounge acts.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Ubique: Everywhere
2) Valgus: Club-footed or bow-legged
3) Walleteer: One who carries a wallet
4) Xanthodont: One with yellow teeth
5) Yex: To hiccup, belch, or spit
6) Zomotherapy: Medical treatment using raw meat
7) Aba: Garment of camel or goat hair; camel or goat-hair fabric
8) Babeldom: A confused sound of voices
9) Cacology: Bad choice of words or faulty pronunciation
10) Dapocaginous: Mean-spirited; heartless

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

the marquee, yeah 

So what did I do on the weekend anyway? Oh yeah.
On Saturday, after a breakfast of this:
mexican pan scrambler
at this place, we headed across the street to deal with this madness.
We went on this:

about three times. Scary shit, and I'm not scared of much. But fun.
After that, we ate these:
mini donuts
I ate LOTS of these. So many that there are leftover half bags of stale ones on the coffee table at home. Right now. And yes... I admit I ate a stale one yesterday. After the donuts, we went to watch some of this action:
Calgary Stampede Rodeo, bareback bronc rider
followed by some wasting of money at the casino. I'm not such a big gambler, so after I was out $90 ($10 on roulette, $80 on slots), off we went to go watch...
GMC Rangeland Derby (Chuckwagon Races)
the chuckwagon races. Sure, they show 'em on T.V. if yer too cheap to go see them live... but they are a million times better live. I shit you not. It's completely worth the $15 and having to watch from the standing section. For real.
Another round of the grounds for some food and drink
Calgary Stampede Midway Grounds
and it was time to watch some good ol' fireworks.

Did I mention that this was a 12-hour day and that I wore the completely wrong shoes and my feet were killing me? No? Then it probably doesn't matter. Did I also mention that I drank maybe ten or so beer and clamatos ($5.75- not cheap) at the rodeo and chuckwagons? How about the vodka coolers at the casino? No? Well then I guess it's just a way of life for me, and I just assumed you would know that I drank a whole bunch without me having to bring it up. Even though I brought it up just now. Did I also mention how fucking happy I am that tomorrow is payday? Yep. One day at the yearly Cowtown shindig, and I'm broker than a stomped on record. Yay me.

Top Three...

... Foods to eat at the Stampede
1) Mini donuts
2) Corndogs (especially the double, even though it looks alarming)
3) Giant turkey drumstick dipped in barbecue sauce (savage stuff- the Boy saw some strangers eating what he assumed to be some kind of 'barbaric meat on a stick' and had to ask them which booth they had acquired it from. I wish I could find a pic of one. We took one of the boys tearing into the drumsticks like cavemen, but unfortunately it's still in the disposable camera.)

... Rides to go on at the Stampede
1) Drop of Fear (but don't go on it if you don't like the 'plummeting from the top floor of a building in an elevator that is on the outside of the building' feeling.)
2) Polar Express (the Boy hates this one because it's 'circular and goes backwards'. I don't get it. I think circular and backwards is all good.)
3) The Log Ride (I'm pretty sure this is not what it's really called, but when it's a ride where you sit in a log and slide down a chute of water... it's the fucking 'Log Ride'.)

... Things to NOT do at the Stampede
1) Waste $90 in the casino when you can't afford to
2) Ask the people at the information booths where the washrooms are (they don't know. They will tell you where they are, and you will follow their directions, and you will realize that they had no clue, and you will have to go wandering around limping because your feet hurt to find that the washrooms are actually in a completely different location than you were told; a location that is 5 times further.)
3) Go on rides with double axes (just trust me on this one. It may not affect you as a 13-year-old-kid, but it's surprising how many more things make you want to puke at 27.)

Monday, July 12, 2004

when she sleeps, she's free 

So I'm lazy. So I've effectively been absent from computerland almost an entire day. So it's Monday, and all you get from me is a version of the Thursday Copout Post. So what? I'm busy today. I'll blog at ya tomorrow. Top Three Tuesday, ya know?

Friday, July 09, 2004

there's an army on the dance floor 

So, I get the morning off of work because of the Stampede Parade. Then I get to work for noon (because half a day means four hours in my book), and no one's fucking here. I don't mean in the whole building; there are definitely other people around, but there's no one here from my sector. Bastards. My solution? If no one shows up by 2, I'm so out of here. A couple of my and the Boy's friends are in town, so we're going boozing tonight. My legs are finally small enough again to fit into my knee high ho boots (black, pointy toe, 6-inch heels), and I intend to pair them with my cowboy hat and a miniskirt- just to fit in with the rest of the cowsluts. So clASSy. Oh yeah.

I got nothing for EPD Friday... too bad for you. My brain just won't work today.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

does that window open up, or am i stuck in here? 

What does it mean when over half of your memories involve being too drunk to remember what actually might have happened, or being too high to care what actually happened? Probably nothing really, except that you've likely squandered half of your life abusing substance. 'You', meaning 'me'. Sometimes people will bring something up that happened, and I know I was there... but my memory of the situation is not just a little off, it's so far out to lunch that everyone asks me where they can acquire the drugs that I was on at that time. It's obscenely hilarious when I 'remember' 'that time when...', only to discover that it never really happened. No, I don't still abuse drugs and alcohol (okay, well maybe still alcohol. A bit. A tiny little bit.) with the grand abandon of my youth. I may be fairly slow to board the 'grow the fuck up already' train, but a couple of years ago, I started to sense that maybe there was actually something to having real-life, true memories, and not ones about forgetting. It doesn't mean that I regret anything. I don't believe in regrets, and I believe even less in being sorry. I can't regret anything I've done because if I hadn't done any of it, I'd be someone else. Someone not me. And goddammit, but it's been a fucking fascinating ride being me. I used to make apologies about everything when I was younger, but where the hell does being sorry ever get you? I've always held the belief that you always say what you mean. Mean what you say. I didn't mean what I said . Oh really? Then you never would have said it. Should have said it. To make apologies is like to conform. Conformity anyone? Yeah, thanks, but I don't think I'll have any today. I know the point was lost somewhere in the last few sentences. Whatever. I have memories now. The worst ones, the best ones. Real ones. But I'm not sorry that I fell down drunk on Wild Turkey and high on acid... and then forgot all about it.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

rice cakes rice cakes rice cakes 

I feel like I am going to die. For real. At first I was kind of joking about my lowered tolerance for fast food, but now I'm fucking serious. I went and bought dinner from Taco Hell last night. Don't you dare laugh. I love Taco Hell. But apparently, my stomach has developed a distaste for it. All I ate was three quarters of a chicken burrito, half an order of Fries Supreme, and half of one of the Boy's chili cheese burritos. Swear to Jebus. Oh yeah, and I had a diet Pepsi to drink. Not even a gigantor one either, just the regular (small-ish) size that comes with a combo. All was well, but then about halfway through my watching of the season premiere of 'The Amazing Race 5', I about capsized with abdominal pain. That's how I slept too- with this horrible pain in my gut. The pain continues today. For real, so quit your laughing. Well now... I've basically learned my lesson here about Taco Hell greed (fast food greed in general, actually). After eating well for the past almost year, my stomach has reached a higher level of evolution and can no longer properly digest fast food items, no matter what the hell they're telling me in their shameless before dinner and late-night plugs. But I'm a goddamned trooper, and I will not give up my Taco Hell. No fucking way. Next time I'll just allow myself one chicken burrito. No Fries Supreme. No chili cheese burrito. Diet Pepsi? Well, I've got to drink something, dude. So that's my lovely little story about dinner yesterday, and the aftermath. Because I thought you just HAD to know. Yep. With that out of the way...
Weird Word Wednesday. Because without theme days, ILJ would actually just kinda suck. And don't even think about patronizing me. It would suck like lips on a straw.

Ten Weird Words And What They Mean

1) Kakidrosis: Body odour
2) Labeorphily: Collection and study of beer bottle labels
3) Macaronic: Muddled or mixed-up (read: FUCKED UP, yo)
4) Nanization: Artificial dwarfing (eh?)
5) Obambulate: To wander about (aimelessly, I hope)
6) Palilalia: Disorder characterized by rapid repetition of words
7) Quackle: To choke or suffocate
8) Rabelaisian: Coarsely hilarious (WTF?)
9) Shend: To destroy; to ruin; to disgrace; to corrupt (wow, good word)
10) Tanacles: Pincer-like instruments of torture (anyone for a round of medieval torture? Uh... yeah. NO.)

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

cold and sold out 

I'm glad no one gives a shit about this thing, or somebody might have noticed my full on failure to post yesterday. Hey, it's my fucking party. Stampede is coming up this weekend. That right, you'd better go back and click on the link, that's why it's there. It's a full week of sweet cowboy madness to look forward to; Stampede is pretty much the big dealie-o cowboy exhibition annual thingie that goes on in Cowtown. People travel from afar to attend it. I just jump on the C-train. In any event, it's good times, good times. And I can wear my cowboy hat. I like my cowboy hat... sadly it doesn't get out much anymore, so any excuse to bring it out will do.

Top Three Tuesday anyone? Why the hell am I even asking? There's no democracy here, people. Pure tyranny is where it's at.

Top Three...

... Things to do during Stampede Week
1) Eat mini donuts
2) Play slots in casino
3) Get hammered in the beer garden

... Crucial items of clothing to buy this summer
1) Raincoat (preferably pink, and more of a trenchcoat than my heavy-duty yellow slicker that I normally haul on camping trips and out to the coast and shit.)
2) Baggy army green boy shorts (I don't like... no, I HATE all these little they-don't-cover-even-half-of-my-ass-and-who-wants-to-look-at-my-ass-cellulite-anyway shorts that are being sold right now. I'm rather partial to those baggy cargo thingies. They look superb with a pair of flipflops and a little tank top.)
3) T-shirt from my friend's store (in case you can't figure out which one I mean, his is The Rocket in Calgary) that is either navy or baby blue and says 'swim for your life' in pink or orange fuzzy letters on the front.

... Things to drink when you're bored but can't afford alcohol (well... when I'm bored and can't afford alcohol. Or thirsty. Whatever.)
1) Jasmine rose tea (get it at your local asian supermarket. If you don't have a local asian supermarket... well, fuck. That's just too damn bad for you, isn't it?)
2) Iced Tea (but not the bottled kind- get the powdered deal and mix it up in a giant cup with some mint leaves and ice cubes. If no one forgot to fill the ice tray. And if you actually have mint growing in the garden.)
3) Half diet Coke with lime, half supermarket brand black cherry soda (takes the edge off the aspartame. Unless you like that taste. Then just forget about this one.)

Friday, July 02, 2004

hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait 

Yeah, yeah. So it's goddamn a quarter past eleven and I haven't posted yet. Dude, I don't do the waking up early thing on my days off. Especially not if it's Friday. The weather today sucks my ass, though, so I am delaying going outside for at least another hour. Uh huh. Anyway... EPD Friday already! Jesus fuck, this week went by a little too quickly. But enough small talk (I'm typing this in the dark because the light bulb burned out and I've been too lazy to go buy more and besides, what's the point really, because I would only buy really low watt bulbs anyway, so I may as well sit in the dark). Here's the list. If ya don't like it... make yer own. I don't have rules against that.

Ten Things About Me That People Think Are Weird But Really Aren't And If They Have A Problem With Me, I Will Totally Go For Ten Rounds Of Bare-Knuckle Boxing With Them

1) I don't ever like to use light bulbs higher than 25 watts in the house. (No, I'm not a vampire or anything, but I've just never seen the fucking point of having lights that bright indoors. It makes you see what a slob you really are when everything can be illuminated that much.)
2) I do not eat mayonnaise unless it is part of a salad dressing, ie: potato salad, etc. (Mayonnaise is like the most disgusting condiment possible, and I would way rather eat a sandwich with just meat and bread than subject myself it.)
3) I always wait until all of the dishes are dirty to even think about washing them. (Dude, it's not fucking gross. I just think it's a waste of time and energy to go wash one plate, one fork, one knife, and one drinking glass at a time... especially if you're just going to use one or more of these thing again in another couple of hours. Might as well wait until you have no other option, and would have to eat off of a CD or something unless you washed the dishes.)
4) If I accidentally leave a half-drank (drunk?) beer on the counter overnight, I will sometimes finish it the next day. (Hey, I payed part of my paycheque so I could have beer in the first place, and it's not normally an option to waste beer. Serves me right, anywway, for being too greedy and opening another when I'd already had enough.)
5) I don't bother memorizing anybody's new cell or home phone numbers. (I know this is potentially bad, because the only place I have any of these numbers is in the phone book of my cell, and the battery could go dead and I'd have no way to look them up until the phone was fully charged again, but I don't have enough space left in my brain to accomodate anything numeric anymore.)
6) I have no sympathy whatsoever for elderly drivers. (I don't give a shit if anyone wants to beat me senseless for this one. If you want to drive when you're 90 years old, then you have to keep up with the times. You've got to keep your reflexes sharp, and there's none of this 'driving 20 km/hour in an 80 km zone' business. Keep your driving skills up to par, or NO DRIVER'S LISCENCE FOR YOU!)
7) I like some kids, but hate others. (I can hear it right now- 'But, that's not possible! Most kids are cute!' No, most kids ARE NOT CUTE. The ones who smile at you in the supermarket, or wave at you because you stopped to let them and their moms cross the street are cute- the ones who ask too many questions aren't. Do not speak unless spoken to. My kids will fucking learn that rule, and love it.)
8) I don't like rum and coke. (Rum and coke gives me furry teeth. This is the only drink that gives me furry teeth. There are so many things possible to mix rum with... why coke?)
9) I would never wear fur, but I am so a carnivore. (I think there's a huge difference between animals that are raised to be eaten and slaughtered for their hides animals that aren't. It's fine for me to eat a steak and wear leather derived from cows because... cows are fucking RAISED for that shit. Foxes and seals, not so much.)
10) I don't laugh if it's really not funny. Not even to humour somebody in a social situation. (Dude... if it ain't funny, that's the bottom line. I fucking can't stand people who laugh just because everyone else is laughing. HA HA HA INNOCENT PEOPLE KILLED IN IRAQ HA HA HA. When the hell is shit like that ever funny? I'd rather be a SOCIAL PARIAH than be assimilated into hypocrisy like that.)

Thursday, July 01, 2004

i am a drinker of the wind, i am the one who never tires 

If you don't get the meaning of the title... there's actually no real meaning. It's a line from a song by Ian Tyson (superb Canadian country singer- for all of my non-Canuck readers). And today is in fact Canada Day. Seeing as how it is also 3PT over at Sangria, GOOOOOO CANADA! And now Fleecey will switch over to the third... that's how it's meant to go, she thinks. So, Fleecey wishes you all a happy Canada Day, and she promises to be back perhaps tomorrow for EPD Friday. Cheers!