jump out, jump out, get your groove on [i lit a joint and burned my eyebrow] <$BlogRSDURL$>

Monday, May 31, 2004

into the sea, you and me, all these years and no one heard... 

Monday. What can you do. Flames won the game on Saturday. Go Flames. Going blind already from staring at this goddamn computer screen. Wish everything didn't have to be coloured green. What can you do. Ate a really good dinner last night. Really should eat salmon more often. Am not sure why I am writing in clipped sentences today. Weird. Walked around at street festival yesterday and made fun of all the ho's. Ha ha. Getting new car tonight finally. Yippee-ka-yay-motherfucker. Just like Bruce Willis, yo. If you know what I'm talking about. Must get back to work shortly. Also must read 'Western Standard' magazine to figure out who I'm actually going to vote for in the election. Not interested in politics. But that doesn't mean they don't affect me. Boo, hiss. Enough already. Back to work. Grr...aargh. Happy fucking Monday.

We move like cagey tigers
We couldn't get closer than this
The way we walk
The way we talk
The way we stalk
The way we kiss
We slip through the streets
While everyone sleeps
Getting bigger and sleeker
And wider and brighter
We bite and scratch and scream all night
Let's go and throw
All the songs we know...

Into the sea
You and me
All these years and no one heard
I'll show you in spring
It's a treacherous thing
We missed you hissed the lovecats

We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully
Wonderfully pretty!
Oh you know that I'd do anything for you...
We should have each other to tea
We should have each other with cream
Then curl up by the fire
And sleep for awhile
It's the grooviest thing
It's the perfect dream

Into the sea
You and me
All these years and no one heard
I'll show you in spring
It's a treacherous thing
We missed you hissed the lovecats

We're so wonderfully wonderfully wonderfully
Wonderfully pretty!
Oh you know that I'd do anything for you...
We should have each other to dinner huh?
We should have each other with cream
Then curl up in the fire
Get up for awhile
It's the grooviest thing
It's the perfect dream

Hand in hand
Is the only way to land
And always the right way round
Not broken in pieces
Like hated little meeces...
How could we miss
Someone as dumb as this?

I love you... let's go...
Oh... solid gone...
How could we miss
Someone as dumb as this?

The Cure -The Lovecats

Friday, May 28, 2004

the windows laugh at me 'cause it's so easy to see through me 

I totally almost forgot it was Evil Parallel Dimension Friday because:

1) Flames lost (WTF?)
2) New car tomorrow (stoked)*** [see bottom of page]
3) I thought it was Thursday (I'm an idiot)

Anywho, happy EPD Friday. Even if you're not down with it, I totally am, since it's my self-made holiday-esque day. If it were up to me I'd ditch work and have a parade. Not going to happen. So instead, you get your usual 'Ten Things...' list. As exciting as that is.

Ten Things To Do Just Because They're So Damn Funny, And Also Piss Everybody Off

1) At every concert you attend, yell 'SLAYER!!!!!!!! ' during all the quiet parts. Especially loud if the band playing is NOT Slayer.
2) When having a conversation with someone you dislike severely, or just outright hate, use the word 'potato' a lot. Because chances are, the word 'potato' will not pertain to anything this person is talking about.
3) At house parties, always take the opportunity to go to the area in front of the door when no one is looking and mix & match pairs of shoes. It's pure comedy to watch loaded people put on two different shoes at the end of the night, then curse and leave sans-footwear because it is too difficult to find a matching pair in an inebriated state.
4) Pretend to have Tourette's syndrome at your place of work. I don't think I need to elaborate on this one.
5) Go to a Karaoke bar and purposely sing wrong lyrics to songs. This irritates people especially because the lyrics are right in front of you. It also helps to sing in a monotone, or to just sing completely out of tune.
6) During an election, purposely vote for the whacked-out hippie party, and show your undying support by making pamphlets for the party on company time, and also make stickers and adhere them to the cars of your co-workers. This is a particularly good thing to do if you hate your job and would like to get fired for your political leanings (even if they say it's an 'equal opportunities' workplace).
7) Eat cans of tuna on a crowded bus. Mmmm... tuna.
8) At Subway, offer to go behind the counter and make your own sandwich because you're 'very picky' about the way your food is prepared.
9) Wear sunglasses incessantly. Even when it has been raining for two weeks straight. And always indoors. If asked why you don't take them off, simply say 'Light Kills!' Then run off in the opposite direction.
10) Cook a giant feast for yourself when you know very well there are going to be people over at your house, and when they ask if they can have some of your food, refuse to give them any, telling them sorry but money is tight these days.

*** i just found out my car won't be in until monday. i guess that's a good thing, so i don't have to leave it parked somewhere because i'm too drunk to drive. but crap- i wanted new wheels on saturday! sonofabitch...

Thursday, May 27, 2004

every moment's a little bit later [part 1] 

Ah, yes. The story of my ex. Fascinating shit, really. Not really. But these days, I have nothing interesting to post without dredging up the past. I'm a fucking drama queen... even though it's for the old drama.
I'm posting the story in segments, since I'm too lazy to post it all at once. Plus, it's time consuming the second way. So here it is:

Every Moment's A Little Bit Later, Part 1

I don't think he really cared much the first time I walked up to him and asked him for a cigarette. I was, after all, just another girl. He was used to that- girls of all sorts always came up to him asking for things. He was the kind of guy who this was all second nature to. And he was the kind of guy who was not at all second nature to me. But in this room full of so many others, no one else could hold my attention the way he silently did.

He probably remembered me from his days spent slinging booze at the campus bar; his recollection of me was that of the perenially laughing and red-faced girl, loaded on rye and coke and pints of Kokanee Gold thrown in for good measure. Jesus, what an impression I'd made. And now, he knew of me from a similar situation, though the venue was no longer the campus bar, but, a more grown up pub off the main drag downtown. And the red-faced girl's drink of choice had changed many times over three years.

I walked up to him, regardless, and asked him if he would spare a smoke. He obliged me and held out the pack. Benson Hedges Special Lights. The same brand I always smoked. In a move unprecedented for me, I lit the cigarette on my own, as he reached into his pocket for a book of matches. I always let boys light my cigarettes. Maybe I didn't let him because I knew, somehow, that it was the only way he'd even look twice.
Bitch. That's what his eyes wanted to say. But he tried hard to hold the thought back. I gave my thanks, blew a ring of smoke into the atmosphere, and sauntered back to the other side of the room; the picture of cool. His eyes rarely left me for the rest of the night.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

and how does lemur skin reflect the sea? 

I'm getting my new car on Saturday! Well, my final decision was actually lease-to-own. Same thing, really. At least it gives me the option to upgrade after four years, and I can buy it at any point. It's a 2004 Chevrolet Aveo. I looked at both the hatchback and sedan... I really wanted the hatchback, but decided on the sedan because it gives me a hell of a lot more trunk space. Here is what it looks like:

I settled on red for the colour because they didn't have a blue or orange one in the city or surrounding area, and I refused to pay the freight tax to have a car in either of those colours delivered. But everybody already knew I was cheap (well, when it comes to vehicles, anyway). Not too cheap to opt for the CD/MP3 player, though!
And guess who gets my crap-mobile? That's right- I'm handing it over to my dad to get it fixed up for my brother. It's funny; he didn't seem to want it when I offered it to him, but now he doesn't even care that it sucks. He's all 'Yeah! Gimme!' Whatever. I don't have to drive it ever again after this week! I'm so excited I could have a heart attack.

p.s.- FLAMES KICK TAMPA BAY'S ASS 4-1!!! GO FLAMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

oh alexander, i see you beneath the archway of aerodynamics 

So I'm back. Long story short, it rained two days straight where I was, I ate too much food and am now somewhat ill, I have mosquito bites on both my feet and they won't stop itching, and I could sure as hell have used an extra day off even though I technically have already had four days of non-work. But other than that I had a fantastic long weekend (Commonwealth holiday to commemerate {sp?} Queen Victoria, if I have my facts straight).

It is Tuesday today. To tell you the truth, I am completely devoid of anything interesting to say; so much that it necessitated that I mention what day it is. Lame. At least May is just about over, as it is typically the busiest month of the year for me. I will not be sad in the least to see it go. Alas, I have no tales of debauchery, mayhem, or destruction- or whatever the fuck I promised on Friday. Get used to it people... it's not going to get much more exciting until a) the Flames win the Stanley Cup (but I'll shut up about that now before I jinx them), or b) fun people come to visit me. Let's hope at least one (hell, I'd settle for both) of the previous happens, or this blog is going to get hella boring in the next stretch. In compensation for lame-ass post (HA! not really...):

Ten Things To Look Forward To In June

1) New Wilco CD on June 22nd!
2) New car! (I realize I put the Wilco album first, but really, these two things should be tied for first.)
3) It will not be May anymore.
4) 10 Year high school reunion. (Okay, maybe that's kind of sucky, but not with the plan I have in mind... it involves a helicopter and lots and lots of booze. Don't ask. Maybe I'll tell ya later.)
5) Did I mention that it won't be May anymore?
6) There probably won't be anymore snow.
7) Disc golf.
8) Sitting on the patio to drink.
9) The Jazz festival.
10) I ran out of things. Whatever. I'm still half asleep.

* * * * * *

So I woke up. Kind of. Not really. I have also decided not to attend the high school reunion... due to lack of interest. I realize that if I went, it would be going against everything I once stood (and still stand) for. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is a tool of manipulation by the 'cool kids' just so that they can re-live their 'coolness' one last time. I had no respect for these people then, and I still lack respect for them now, even if I have not been in the same room as even one of them since 1994. They didn't like the same music as I did. They made fun of people who were a hell of a lot smarter than them in real life. They actually thought those three years were 'real life'. It's embarrassing, really. Embarrassing that they spent all this time trying to be better than people like me, but in the end I turned out better than most of them. Better in the way that I don't have to go a high school reunion to prove anything to anybody. I'm cool without the quotation marks.

Friday, May 21, 2004

happy evil parallel dimension friday from ILJ 

So, this is the hiatus message, if you haven't already followed my pattern of things throughout the week. I'm outta here, but I will return on Tuesday with more tales of debauchery, bitchery, betrayal, and mayhem. Okay, not betrayal; you caught me there. But the other three are a distinct possibility. Fuck, alright, maybe not as distinct as I'd like. Dammit. Life is hard.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

that cop made me dump out my beer! 

That's right. The Calgary Flames are indeed going to play in the Stanley Cup finals. The only thing that would have been even better is if it were a Flames/Leafs playoff. I don't know what I would have done in that case- probably pimped myself out for tickets. But shit, this is just fine with me.
Alas, I had no camera with me when I went drunkenly bashing through the crowded street last night; I tend to never carry a camera if I know the night will be too debaucherous (if it wasn't a word before, it is now). Bits of debauchery:
A cop made me dump out my beer, and told me, 'Tell your boyfriend to hide his dope a little better'. Cool, whatever, all that was left in the bottle was beer dregs, and at least he didn't bust us for possession.And I saw lots and lots of boobs. Not that this really matters to me or anything, but I don't think I've seen as many boobs all at the same time in my entire life. And people kept grabbing my ass! And I fell off a wall, too. Dammit, I'm still drunk, and completely lacking sleep. Go Flames! Now, excuse me while I totally zone out...

* * * * * *

... and now I'm back. Wow, do I ever feel like crap. And the fast food grease at lunchtime didn't even help. So, now I've taken to drinking 900 mL (I can tell by the numbers on the side of my pink water bottle) of water every half hour. It seems to be working.
Note to self; just because it's pink, comes in bottles, and looks and tastes like grapefruit soda doesn't mean it is actually grapefruit soda and that you can drink all four bottles in the span of forty-five minutes. the end.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

the heat and the dust increase my desolation 

If the Calgary Flames win tonight... I think I will effectively join the rest of the city and freak the hell out. Crap, now I probably cursed them into game 7 just by mentioning it at all.

I fucking love the unemployed. Have I mentioned this before? Of course I have. I feel a strong necessity to reiterate certain things because they make me want to put a gun to my head.
Anyway, the conversation I had with someone yesterday:

Her: So, we're going out drinking tonight. Can you come?
Me: Where are you going? Maybe I can come out for a beer.
Her: We're going to [some shitty bar] at 9.
Me: Ummm... 9 hey? That's actually a little late for me. I think I'll have to pass.
Her: That's too late? Really?
Me: Yeah. I don't think I'll go.

Of course I won't go. I mean, it's not like I'd be out watching the hockey game or something important; I'd just be going to some shitty tramp-filled bar. Some of us have jobs, you know. The kind where it's not an option to just not show up due to a hangover.

Her: You can't come for just an hour?

An hour. Right. I'll get there at 9 and no one will even show up until 10 or 11. Nice try, but I know the song and dance. I'm not fucking stupid.

Me: Are you guys gonna be there for sure at 9?

No. Of course you're not. Being on time is just a sign of courtesy, after all.

Her: I'll try to be there at 9 exactly.

'Try' to be there. I don't like the sound of that word 'try'.

Me: I don't know...
Her: Come on, it'll be fun. What do you have to do tomorrow anyway?

What do I have to do tomorrow? WTF? It's called 'work'. You know, what you do when you have what's called a 'job'. Do I have to spell it out for you, goddammit?

Me: What do you mean? I have to work at 8!
Her: Really? Okay, well maybe another time. Next week?

What the hell? Was this breaking news to you that I work five days a week? And do you mean next week as in the weekend? Or do we have to go through this shit all over again?

Me: Whatever. Sure. Let me know.

So bloody painful. I'll be going to my car now to retrieve the flask of gin from the glove compartment.

* * * * * *

Oh, I nearly forgot- today is my dad's birthday. Happy birthday Dad! I'm totally a bad daughter 'cause I don't remember how old he is, but he's almost 60. But acts 25. Whoa dude... that's like me, with the being one age and acting another age. *Grin* Well, it goes to show ya, the apple does not, in fact, fall far.

Last thing on the agenda, I promise. Really.
I got the idea from being over at Cindy's blog.
And here it is:

Ten Things About Me That Are So Awesome I Could Pee My Pants
(I'm a list-maker. It's common. Shut Up.)

1) No matter how much of a bitch I am, if you come to me in confidence about something, I take that secret to the grave.
2) I don't patronize people who are not as smart as me, because they are probably good at things that I suck ass at.
3) I tell my friends when they are being fuckers, because I don't want people to think badly of them. (That's my job, dude.)
4) I am kind to living creatures. Even spiders. (Okay, but not mosquitos. I'm allergic to those.)
5) I try to help people in need, but am careful not to damage their pride in the process. Because we all have our pride.
6) I don't litter. Ever.
7) I was conceived in Jamaica. (Kinda explains the weed thing, don't it?)
8) I'm double jointed in all of my fingers. (No, not thumbs. Thumbs are NOT fingers.)
9) I complain a lot about people not paying me back money that I've lent them, but the truth is I rarely ever ask for it back. If I offered it to them, then I consider it like a gift. You don't ask for gifts back ever. That ain't right.
10) I buy my boyfriend flowers. Yeah, I'm just that fucking cool.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

birds and snakes, an aeroplane; lenny bruce is not afraid. 

Other than me buying a new car, my life is completely unexciting. Really. My days consist of four main things (not necessarily in the order given):

1) Eat
2) Sleep
3) Smoke a bowl
4) Drink

Well, five things if you count work. I never count it; it's just a given that I work, because otherwise items 1, 3, and 4 would be virtually impossible (unless the 'drinking' involved only water).
I realize all of this is fucking boring... so to cop out even further, I give you:

Ten Songs I Like and Why I Like Them
(Remember, this is not your list. Don't like my songs? Make your own damn list.)

1) Gigantic by The Pixies
Why? When this one comes on, I get up and dance to it. No matter who's watching. Seriously.
2) Misty Mountain Hop by Led Zeppelin
Why? Try not turning up the volume to this one upon hearing the catchy guitar hook. It just can't be done, I tell you.
3) Rockstar by Hole
Why? Okay, okay, so Courtney Love is the biggest sellout ever. But this song rules. I love singing along to this one in the summer with the windows rolled down- people stare at me and wonder what the screaming is about.
4) It's The End Of The World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine) by REM
Why? I like songs that are apocalyptically themed. Catchiness helps.
This is also the most recent ringtone for my cell.
5) Hey Ya by Outkast
Why? You know, I don't give a rat's ass that this song is overplayed and even cool with the anklebiter crowd. It makes me goddamn happy.
6) Modern Love by David Bowie
Why? Because it 'gets me to the church on time'. That's why.
7) Dr. Feelgood by Motley Crue
Why? 'Cause I'm from the generation that listened to hair metal. And I still think it's cool. So shut up.
8) Boy In The Box by Corey Hart
Why? He's a Canuck. And it was my favourite song in... like grade 4.
9) Hungry Eyes by Eric Carmen
Why? I can already picture eyes rolling at this one. But the girls know why. Two words: Dirty Dancing.
10) I Wanna Be Sedated by The Ramones
Why? Because I wanna be sedated.

What a cop out, hey? I should be shot.

Monday, May 17, 2004

that's great, it starts with an earthquake 

I simply dislike the fact that Monday seems to occur like four times a week. Okay. So it doesn't really occur more than once a week, but because this is my blog, it occurs like four times a week. I'm over it. Next...
Friday saw me throwing back some more Pisco Sours like nobody's business, and even more Extra Dirty Martinis (also like nobody's business, in case it matters). Yikes, it made for a rather lousy Saturday, as my stomach was really hating me. But I proceeded to ingest a plate of hot wings at the Unicorn. These wings are no joke; they are best hot wings I have ever eaten, but fuck, does your stomach pay the price. That didn't stop me from going out with the girls and drinking Extra Spicy Caesars that night. Needless to say, Sunday was the biggest write-off in history. No, not really the biggest. But a write-off nonetheless. Who cares, though; nobody died, nobody lost an eye. Or a limb, even. Sundays are built for recovery, after all. But that's all run-of-the-mill fare for anyone who knows me personally or reads ILJ regularly. So...
Ah, yes, the scoop on my shittycrappystupid car. I am paying to get said vehicle's head gasket replaced... and then trading it in for a brand new automobile. I finally pulled my head out of my ass and realized that I am in no way equipped to keep purchasing second-hand vehicles. Had I bothered to take mechanics in high school I might be in a better position but, alas, I did not/am not. That's what I have come up with after much thought. The Boy doesn't so much like the idea, as he brought up that I spend quite a bit of money paying bills as it is, so why add the extra hassle of making monthly payments on a car? But when I brought up that having to make monthly payments for a new vehicle will definitely cut down my 'unnecessary' spending (what the Boy claims is clothing and shoes), he seemed to warm to the idea a little bit. I also mentioned that it was a hundred percent my decision, and that I've generally had miserable luck with all of my cars (except for the last one, which I would have had to this day had I not been in a dire financial situation and, thus, unable to fork up $2000 for a new transmission). Some people have great luck with second-hand vehicles, and never have to spend much in the way of repairs. Other people have terrible luck. I am 'other people'. And because I am 'other people', I deserve a new car, goddammit. And you cannot tell me otherwise.

Here's my pic of the day. It's the devil himself...

Friday, May 14, 2004

i'd drive my car, but i haven't got a car to drive. 

I walked to work this morning. No sleeping in until 7:30. It took me half an hour. Why did I walk? Ask my car. It knows why. My car is breaking down faster than you can say antidisestablishmentarianism. The head gasket is done for, and now I have to decide whether or not it is worth replacing. I have been quoted anywhere from $550 to $1500 to fix it, but the price is most likely to end up being on the high end of that scale. So, for a car that cost $3500 second hand, is it worth paying $1000 to get the head gasket replaced? I mean, seeing as how I've had to take the car to the garage every three to five months due to something needing to be fixed. Is it worth spending $1000 on a car that has already paid for itself in repairs? I don't know. That's my dilemma. The car itself is still driveable, but it's a crapshoot. It could be fine for another five days, it could be fine for another five months. But if I leave it too long, the engine will require a complete overhaul. Jesus shit, do I ever wish I lived someplace where it wasn't such a necessity for me to drive. People always tell me, 'If you lived dowtown, you wouldn't have to drive anywhere.' You fucking idiots- I work across the street from the university. That's nowhere near downtown. Then they say, 'But you could always take the C-Train.' Okay, yeah, sure... but the places downtown where I would want to live are NOWHERE NEAR A C-TRAIN STATION!
So, yes, I do need a car. At least I can be thankful that this didn't happen in the dead of winter when I would have had absolutely no choice but to get the goddamned thing fixed. Grumble. Why does everything I own have to suck so much? Yes, I'm bitter. And no, there's nothing you can do to help me. Unless you want to give me your car.

Never had the good things only money could buy
I'd drive my car but I haven't got a car to drive
Never had a holiday in the tropical sun
Good times look like they're never gonna come

Oh, I know these times are bad
And it makes you want to cry
Don't be sad, we'll get by

Baby, baby, don't look back
It won't do you no good
Baby, baby, don't look back
I'm going to leave and I think that you should
Fine Young Cannibals -Don't Look Back
I've spent my life in a place like this
On the first bus out I'm gonna get myself a lift
If you want to stay then that's alright
If you want to go then it's got to be tonight

Oh, I know these times are bad
And it makes you want to cry
Don't be sad, we'll get by

Baby, baby, don't look back
It won't do you no good
Baby, baby, don't look back
I'm going to leave and I think that you should

Never had the good things only money could buy
I'd drive my car but I haven't got a car to drive

Oh, I know these times are bad
And it makes you want to cry
Don't be sad, we'll get by

Baby, baby, don't look back
It won't do you no good
Baby, baby, don't look back
I'm going to leave and I think that you should

FYC -Don't Look Back

p.s.- welcome to ILJ's 'evil parallel dimension friday'. have a fucked up day.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

it was bound to happen sooner or later 

Funny story, this time not involving me whatsoever. After all, no fair for me to not ever talk about anyone else other than myself.

When our roomie still hadn't come home yesterday afternoon, we just figured he and his buddy had found some blow at some point during the previous evening and partied until the all hours of morning, and he was probably just passed out on someone's couch sleeping it off. After all, he is a raging alcoholic, and with that comes the (more than occasional) fiending for blow. So, whatever. The Boy and I figured that was probably why he wasn't at home all day. That's not the funny part obviously; insert funny part HERE:

I come from work at my usual 4:15 in the afternoon. The Boy is sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld, and I notice roomie is in the kitchen making coffee. The Boy looks at me with this satanic grin and says, "Ask him what happened." So, I turn to roomie and ask him what happened. He's all like, "Nothing. Nothing happened." But the Boy starts laughing his ass off, and he says, "No, seriously, ASK HIM WHAT HAPPENED." So I ask roomie again, and he sheepishly says, "I got thrown in the drunk tank last night, and I didn't get out until an hour earlier." I start laughing so fucking hard I almost pee myself.

So, apparently he and his friend ended up at this shitty poser bar, and he got into a scrap with some dude in front of the bar. It took FOUR cops to subdue him. The reason he didn't call us? He totally knew we would have just laughed at him and not offered to help him out. We couldn't stop laughing at him for the rest of the night. I mean, come on. With his history of drunken mishaps? It was destined to happen at some point.
The Boy and I are so supportive of our friends.

* * * * * *

Okay... funny thing that happened just an hour ago that's kind of stupid, but I had to post it just because.
I was downstairs heating my burrito in one of the three microwaves in the little 'staff food preparation area'. One of the microwaves had BRAILLE on the buttons. I kid you not. Why is this weird, you ask? Well, because we do mapping here! Mapping as in MAPS. I'm pretty sure we do not have any blind employees in the building, but you know, I could be wrong on that, since it IS an equal opportunities workplace.
Whatever. This is probably all so boring to you, but such is life for me... at least for the next year and a half. Then on to freedom... horrible, horrible freedom.
I am a spork!

what kitchen utensil are YOU?

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

somedays i'd rather starve 

I don't really hate my job. And I don't really love it either. Let's just say I tolerate it. I mean, it pays the bills, pays part of my health care, and allows me to have a dental plan. So I can't really complain. But some days, I swear I just want to fucking throw this computer out a window, and I don't even care if I have to pay for it (well, computer and window both, actually). I was born a loose cannon. My life has been lived in bits and pieces, and I'm not even close to figuring any of it out yet. So, the idea of working in an office, or in front of a computer (where I am not there for the purpose of writing), or sitting in a cubicle on the phone trying to help out some poor misinformed customer does not appeal to me in the least. ::But what about the money?:: Sigh. Yeah, the money. I will be the first person to admit that I really, really like money. It buys me nice things. It gives me the option of driving a car (no matter how shitty the car is). It lets me go out boozing with my friends at all the nice bars in town. It feeds me. It lets me have my cell phone. Yeah, the money. Sometimes I figure just maybe it might be worth putting in my twenty or thirty years with some company, just so I can keep having thess afore mentioned things. Then the black sheep inside comes out and says, why? Why would you waste three decades doing something you don't love just for the money? After all, isn't money the root of all evil? And I realize that money really isn't everything. Painting. Playing the viola. Writing. They're all things that haven't really made me any money (okay, well, music actually does provide a bit of dough sometimes), but they're also things that make me immensely happy. They're things that don't require someone to hold a gun to the back of my head in order to get me to do them (unless they ask me to play something on the viola out of the blue, and I haven't practiced for awhile). The older I get, the more I understand that people are just cut out for different things, and I really am not going to turn out like most of my friends, living in the suburbs, working downtown, and driving an SUV. The truth of the matter is that most days I would rather be a poor, starving artist than end up doing something I hate simply to conform to the societal norm. Besides, I could always win the lottery. Hey, it could happen.

When I Win The Lottery I:

1) am going to party like it's 1999.
2) will buy a monster truck and run over people I hate with it.
3) must purchase a bag of weed as big as my car.
4) intend to get liposuction so I can say 'fuck the gym'.
5) promise to buy out all the shitty bars in town and turn them into pubs.
6) will undoubtedly be the envy of all my friends.
7) vow to still live in the ghetto.
8) will probably end up hoarding most of the money away in the bank so I will never have to work again.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

monday night drinking and snow in may 

Mmm. Pisco Sours. But probably not a great idea on a Monday night. Meh. It was a damn good idea at the time; I mean, is it my fault they're only served at one bar in town, and that it was my friend's birthday yesterday and we were the only two who wanted to go out for drinks after dinner? And that my friend knew the bartender's fiance, so we got a couple of free drinks from her? Whatever, I say. Who cares if I'm hung over on a Tuesday. It's so fucking worth it.

Snow in May. I don't think I need to elaborate on that much. And I can't even make a snowman with the stuff, because it's essentially just a bunch of slush. Yeah, all this prolonged winter business is kind of shitty but I'll stick around here because of this:

* * * * * *

I'd rather be poor than work in an office for the rest of my life.
I'd rather drive a second hand car than make payments on a brand new car for the next 15 years.
I'd rather put a gun to my head than listen to some people talk.
I'd rather pee my pants than not stand up for myself.
I'd rather live in my vehicle than with annoying roommates.
I'd rather talk things over than use my fists.
I'd rather eat a steak than a salad.
I'd rather have to wear glasses/contacts for the rest of my life than get eye surgery and have it not work.
I'd rather have it rain than snow.
I'd rather get fired from a job I hate than stay because I'm too chicken to quit.
I'd rather sing than dance.
I'd rather wear a hat than not wear one.
I'd rather stand up for myself and have everyone hate me than sit back and take it and hate myself.
I'd rather have no friends at all than a bunch of acquaintances who only pretend to be my friends.
I'd rather go to hell for what I believe than go to heaven due to hypocrisy.
I'd rather be happy with the life I chose than spend time dwelling on the past and things that I can't change anyway.

Monday, May 10, 2004

last time, i swear... 

You may notice that I have changed the look of this blog once again. I promise this is the last time- for real. I had a friend look at it in its previous incarnation, and these were the changes she suggested. I don't know about you guys... but I like it. So there.

I have decided that this summer (if I can even call it that, on account that it keeps snowing every few days and it's already May) I need to get the hell off the couch, or at least off of the towel in the backyard where I can usually be found grilling myself in the Southern Alberta sun, and doing stuff. What kind of stuff? Well... I'm not exactly sure yet, but I have a rough idea of where I need to start.
And that would be going on all those planned hikes that I jettisoned last summer in favour of... grilling myself in the Southern Alberta sun. I feel bad for doing it, since I live so fucking close to the mountains it's sick. And it's not like I don't have a pair of hiking boots. Plus, it's FREE. That's right. Other than gas, and potentially some booze (come on, nothing's fun without a little booze here and there), it doesn't cost anything. It's about time I stopped taking the mountains for granted so much, because who knows how much longer I'll still be living here. Come to think of it, there are a lot of things about living in Cowtown that I should stop taking for granted.

Five Good Things About Cowtown

1) Close to the mountains.
2) Rent is relatively inexpensive.
3) People are pretty friendly.
4) My folks live here.
5) I know where everything is.

I'm so lame.

* * * * * *

Another pet peeve of mine that I have not yet discussed on this blog:
Beer Crimes.
Don't know what Beer Crimes are? Well, allow me to educate you. A Beer Crime is when someone is still drinking their first bottle/can/glass of beer and they proceed to open/pour another one, resulting in them forgetting that they were already drinking a beer, leading to many half-empties lying around in various places. Okay, so beer isn't really all that expensive, but it isn't really all that cheap either. There is nothing I hate more (okay, maybe there are things I do hate more, but just let me go with it) than gathering up bottles to put away for recycling later, and finding bottles or cans that still contain enough liquid to drown a man. Fine, maybe not that much, but enough to make it a huge waste of money. Even more shocking is that the Boy seems to be responsible for the recent onslaught of said crimes. I shall have to keep a close eye on him in the future, because I find it difficult to tolerate any form of alcohol abuse. Down with Beer Crimes!

Friday, May 07, 2004

Evil Parallel Dimension Friday 

Hugo made me do it. Okay, so I thought it would be funny too. Henceforth, Fridays at ILJ will be referred to as 'Evil Parallel Dimension Fridays'. By the way, I am not Fleecey. I am Evil Fleecey, twisted and depraved twin of Fleecey, and spawn of Satan. I am your host, so buckle up mortals, and enjoy the ride.

Twenty Things That I Like

1) Butting in front of people in line at the supermarket. (They deserve it.)
2) Swearing at old people, and having them swear back. (Fucking crap, is that ever funny. Have you ever heard a little old lady yell 'fuck you'?)
3) Telling my friends that their spelling is crappy. (Well, it is. It's 'weird' not 'wierd'. Fuckers.)
4) Going out to the bar, and everyone looks like shit except for me. (Come on, you like it too.)
5) Going shopping, seeing something I know my friend would like, and buying it for myself. (Ha!)
6) Eating lots of chili when I know we've invited a lot of people over. (No better way to get people to go home early so I can hog the couch.)
7) When the bartender pays for my drink but not my friend's. (Whatever, it's not like I forced him.)
8) That I've had sex every*single*day for the past year. (Okay, so maybe not quite, but pretty mothafuckin close.)
9) That I'm hotter than all of my friends. (I think I am, so that's gotta be good enough.)
10) Drinking copious amounts of beer, reciting some kind of bizarro, self-composed manifesto about trees, then going to the bathroom and passing out. (But this never happened. So fuck off.)
11) Pulling chairs out from under people.
12) Bitch slapping whiny ass girls.
13) Chugging a full beer in front of the cops when I'm caught drinking in public because I'd rather not give it to them.
14) Finding a fifty dollar bill on the floor of the bar, and using it to buy more drinks without even trying to find out who might have dropped it.
15) Singing really bad karaoke at bars and taking up time for people who can actually sing and take karaoke very seriously. (Sometimes people get angry about this, though. Very angry.)
16) Trying to get into high-end clubs for free by pretending to be royalty, or a rock star from some remote part of Asia. (This has worked a couple of times. Probably because the door guy didn't want to hear me talk anymore.)
17) Calling out vegans who wear leather in front of their hippie friends. (It is so fucking hilarious.)
18) Trapping Canada Geese in public areas (while children cry, and their parents call animal services, or whoever the hell deals with it) and taking them home to slaughter and eat.
19) Asking stupid people their IQ's.
20) Making bad imitations of someone when they're standing right next to you.

(If you took this too seriously and got super offended- then you need to get a life, goddammit. Stop being so sensitive!)

Thursday, May 06, 2004

i don't hate you, but i don't really like you much either 

In case you haven't already figured it out, I dislike far more things than I like. So with no further delay:

Twenty Things That I Don't Like (hate, don't much care for, whatever...)

1) People with absolutely no sense of humour. (Your internal organs are probably rotting as I write this, and you will soon die.)
2) SUV's. (Especially because most people who drive them can't even really drive properly)
3) Being broke (you would hate it too if you had to gas up your car at $1/litre. Hey, that's a goddamn lot for me- who asked you?)
4) People who tell me they prefer my hair straight to curly. (Fucker, my hair is naturally curly. If you want to sit around blowdrying it straight for me for an hour everyday for free... be my guest. THEN tell me you like my hair straight. Fucker.)
5) Radishes. (If you've visited my 'About' page, then you know what's the what.)
6) People who ask me what a viola is. (Sure, it's probably quicker if I just tell you straight up, but you'd certainly come across as less of an idiot to me if you did a little bit of research first and didn't need to ask.)
7) Old people who fight me for parking spots in the grocery store parking lot. (Hey, as long as they can still drive a car, they're fair game.)
8) People who I went to school with, or know from somewhere else who come up to me and start a question with 'Hey, didn't you used to...' (Totally go fuck yourself. How do you know I don't still do these things? Even if I don't, there are better ways of bringing it up. What, I'm a has-been already?)
9) Having the same waist size as the whole goddamn population of Cowtown. (How much does it suck that now the normal jean size is a 30 waist? It makes it damn hard to find the jeans that I want in my size. Now I want to be anorexic so that I can wear all the size 25's that are lying around.)
10) People who send responses to my work e-mail address at 5:30 even though they know very well that I am off work at 4, then wonder why I didn't get back to them right away. (That's why I have a cellphone, people. Oh, and like two alternate e-mail addresses.)
11) People who borrow money from me then try to pay it back in booze or food. (This is actually a newer dislike. I didn't much care before, but now times are tough, and I can't pay the bills in beer and bacon, bitches. I'll buy my own booze, thanks- once you give me my money back!)
12) Girls who act stupid on purpose, especially in front of men. (Come on. Some of us have worked too damn hard for equality for some insipid bitches to push womankind back down the ladder. Newflash- he won't leave his lawyer wife for you, no matter how good you are in bed.)
13) Those ridiculous minivan ads that warn me that what I am about to see will make me want to have a bigger family. (Uh, I kind of need a family first. Plus, you will never catch me driving a minivan unless it ends up being the only type of vehicle left on earth, and I am using one to drive myself off a cliff towards my imminent death.)
14) You fashionistas out there may disagree with me on this one but: the recent resurgence of 80's style. (If you weren't there the first time around, then tough. There's just something weird and wrong about seeing people who weren't even born until the mid-eighties parading around in legwarmers, sporting big hair, and loving neon orange.)
15) Ultimate a.k.a. Ultimate Frisbee. (I played it once, and I disliked it after the first... minute. It just seems really fucked that people get so worked up and competitive about throwing a frisbee. I don't get it.)
16) People who think/believe they are better than me. (Jesus, no one's better than anyone. Have you learned nothing in life?)
17) Friends who ask me, 'Does this make me look fat?' and when I say 'Yes', they proceed to get super angry at me. (What? I'm all about honesty. If it doesn't make you look like Paris Hilton, then it doesn't. I'm just saving you from public humiliation. Better to hear it from me than from a stranger.)
18) No matter how much weight I lose, I can't ever seem to get rid of my beer gut. (Oh well. It took me years to cultivate, so wear it with pride, I guess.)
19) Strange men who refer to me as 'darling' or 'sweetheart'. (Ew, yuck. Who are you? And let me introduce you to my alter-ego known as Heinous Bitch.)
20) Getting spinach or pepper or some kind of food stuck in my teeth at a restaurant, and nobody tells me, because 'It's funnier that way'. (Actually, you know what's funnier than that? My foot up your ass.)

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

copout post? judge for yourself... 

Yeah, I'm copping out once again. What is that, like twice in the span of less than a week? This time with very good reason, though. The Flames are going to round three! How exciting is that? Well, let me put it this way, last night was insane. Far more insane than in '89 when the Flames won the Stanley Cup; I was only eleven years old then, and I hear they didn't even clog up 17th Ave and stop traffic. And shit, they haven't even won the cup yet this time, but try telling that to anyone who was downtown after the game last night (three guesses where I was). At first I was kind of afraid there may be rioting ( a la Montreal Guns n' Roses Axl no-show), but nah, even though it was rowdy as all hell there was a certain class to it all. People screaming 'Go Flames!' Strangers high-fiving eachother as they passed in the street. Bar owners allowing the patrons to stand on the patio tables to get a better view of the mayhem. Even the cops laughing it up. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it before- but I guess the Flames haven't really been this good since 1989.
Okay, so that wasn't much of a copout post. So what? You'd be pretty stoked too, if it happened in your city.

p.s.- i put the squid pic back up for you, tif! i missed it too, so now i'm leaving it up.

Monday, May 03, 2004

you only like them because they made it to the second round... 

Cowtown has exploded, people. I shit you not. It was virtually impossible to enjoy a mellow evening at the bar over the weekend, due to all of the 'Flames Fans' who materialized as if out of nowhere. Even bars that previously were never crowded boasted lineups of unimagineable length. And it's all because of the bandwagon. Where were these people when the Flames weren't doing so well, but needed fan support badly? The fickle nature of sports 'fans' baffles the hell out of me, because you're supposed to support the teams you like even though they're not exactly stepping up to the challenge. I mean, even though the Leafs are tanking, I still like 'em. But whatever; I'm glad the Flames are doing well (as much as I love Detroit, they don't really need another Stanley Cup- do they?). Another pet peeve surfaces on this topic- what the fuck is it with people saying (after yet another Calgary victory) 'Oh my God, we won!' Excuse me? I didn't know you play for the Flames. Actually, you know, I didn't even realize that I also play for the Flames. Wow, it's so cool when 'we' win a game and I didn't even think that we did anything but sit around drinking beer. I must be some player. How many goals did I score? Um, yeah. Hate the 'we' thing with a passion. We didn't fucking do anything. They did.

On another hockey note (sorry if you expected a better post, but you I get really swept up during Stanley Cup playoffs), AAARRGHH! My poor Stevie Y got smashed in the eye by a puck! Say it ain't so! But I saw it all go down as I sat horrified on the couch in mid-sip of my beer. And in all it's replay 'glory'. Multiple fractures to his left eye socket, and a scratched cornea. Why don't these things happen to the ugly players?

I hope he doesn't look too different after he recovers...