jump out, jump out, get your groove on [i lit a joint and burned my eyebrow] <$BlogRSDURL$>

Wednesday, June 30, 2004

i'm not kidding you; this is the cure 

I was sitting around with a friend one day within the past couple of years listening to 'Bellaclava', an album released in 2000 by a sort-of-but-not-really-if-you-were-paying-attention-obscure Canadian band called Limblifter. We were listening to the song 'Ariel vs. Lotus' in particular, and my friend was like, 'What the fuck is ariel ? Or lotus ?' Because I'm a genius, I figured it out quickly through the lyrics. In the song, the following lines are sung: she stole an ariel on her way here/it's twice her age, and jet fast and right past the airport/and past the lotus/with the cure . So those two lines are pretty much dead giveaways. They're both vehicles. Ariel refers to the motorcycle, and Lotus is the car. I'm so fucking smart, dude.

Yeah, so how'd you like that little story? Pretty crappy hey? It goes to show you that on most days I have nothing better to do than lie around and pick songs apart. But that's not the point of this post. I'm not actually sure what is. I didn't give it much thought after I told that little pointless story... so maybe this is just the Thursday Copout Post happening a day earlier (or is it? For isn't Wednesday... Thursday? And Thursday... actually Wednesday? Are they not one and the same?) due to tomorrow being a national holiday and all that fun shit. Sure. I buy that.

Ten Weird Words and What They Mean

1) Abacinate: To blind by putting a red-hot copper basin near the eyes.
2) Bacillicide: Killing of berries.
3) Cachinnate: To laugh loudly and inappropriately.
4) Dacnomania: Obsession with killing.
5) Ebriection: Mental breakdown from too much drinking.
6) Fabaceous: Bean-like.
7) Galeanthropy: Belief that one is a cat.
8) Habromania: Insanity featuring cheerful delusions.
9) Indumentum: Total body covering of hair, fur, or feathers.
10) Jawhole: Cesspool; sewer entrance.

See, now don't you feel better that you know ten more words? I know I would if I were you. So feel better, goddammit.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

we're sick of being jerked around; wear that on your sleeve 

Here's the new government situation after yesterday's vote- the Liberals took it, but didn't win the requisite amount of seats to take the majority. So, this is it boys and girls... a minority government. I don't want to bore you all with the not-really-if-you-think-about-it sordid details of Canadian politics, but I want to say a couple more things before I move on to something else. At least the Conservatives didn't win. Because this is my blog, I am allowed to state that I believe the Conservative Party (led by one Stephen Harper; he of the rug-looking hairstyle and eyes that appear rimmed in makeup) to be evil. And not in a good way like 'Evil Fleecey' or 'Evil Dead'. Like EVIL . And I'm the dumbass who insists on sticking around in Alberta, the province that supports this party the most (in Cowtown, it was a unanimous vote for the Conservatives). Don't fucking track me down and stage a public hanging for me now... just hang me in effigy the way I like. I know that minority governments suck in the sense that they never manage to accomplish very much (I'm bracing myself for yet another election in just two years' time), but I would much rather have it this way than have Mr. Harper and his evil minions implement a whole bunch of changes that will affect me in a negative manner. So again... if you're pissed off that that's my honest opinion, you're just being ignorant and even more kainotophobic than I could ever be. Yeah... but anyway...

I'm fucking stoked that it's Tuesday. Why? If you even bothered to read my post yesterday, this means that I'm already almost done with work this week. Thank Jebus for Canada Day and my boss calling bullshit on coming to work on Friday. It's also Top Three Tuesday. Well, it's only like the second one in ILJ history, but don't let that deter you. Who am I kidding... I just like these theme days because I'm a self-centered little fucker, and I think EVERY day should be a goddamned holiday. So there.

Top Three...

... Fruits only available in summer (dude, for three quarters of the year I live like 'Nanook of the North'. If these aren't true for where you live... just bite your tongue and let me have my moment.)
1) watermelons
2) white peaches
3) cherries

... Albums that I thought were completely overrated (apologies if you liked any of these and bought any of them.)
1) Elephant by the White Stripes
2) Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by the Smashing Pumpkins
3) Exile in Guyville by Liz Phair

... Women everybody says are hot, but I just don't see it
1) Paris Hilton
2) Denise Richards (Charlie Sheen's wife)
3) Mischa Barton (Marissa on 'The OC')

... Beers that I like
1) Miller Genuine Draft
2) Maudite/Fin Du Monde (tie)
3) Stella Artois

... Places in Cowtown I like to eat at
1) Shikiji (Japanese)
2) Thai Sa On (duh... Thai)
3) Namskar (Indian)

... Places I've been to
1) Japan
2) Norway
3) Jamaica (yeah... wonder why...)

Monday, June 28, 2004

p.s. 

I was just thinking... what the fuck is the point of having more than two political parties? Because it's cool that I have a choice of who to vote for, but it is not cool that unless I vote for one of the two main parties, it doesn't make a difference who I vote for. *Sigh*. I wish we were all still cave people living in barbaric times.

the election, the three day work week, and a cinnamon bun. don't even bother asking. 

To start off, it's Monday and I am deprived of sleep like nobody's business. Also, today is the day when I get to vote for a Prime Minister. And another also, I only have to work three days this week due to... well, I'd say Canada Day, but technically that's on Thursday, and Friday is a work day. The boss just thought it was stupid to not work Thursday, come in to work on Friday, and then have two days off again. So at least this week will be the exception week- the one where I only have to deal with a singuler Thursday. Yippee. Ka. Yay. Mother. Fucker. On to the real McDeal, though- the Monday rant and rave. No one said it was gonna be pretty. And if it is? Then dammit, I totally have not done my job. De-prettification in five, four, three, two, one...

No one's wrong, no one's right. I don't appreciate people asking me who I'm going to vote for in today's election; particularly because I know it's a tool to either bully me into saying a party they would pick and bask in the satisfaction that 'I am on their side', or to state my honest opinion and give them free range to slag me for my political views. Guess what? Ain't gonna work, mofo. Who I vote for? None of your fucking business. Because I don't care what political party you're voting for. That's up to you. Your opinion on which party would be the best to run our country... is just that. YOUR opinion. And MY opinion is MINE. It has nothing to do with you. It's just like the dude who came up to me in the bar after I randomly yelled out something in an alcohol induced haze. He stops dead in his tracks and gives me a strange look. I had yelled 'cinnamon bun'. Don't EVEN ask. Anyway, dude is like, 'I don't get it.' I give him this look like he is a circus midget with two heads. 'Get what?' Double cranium circus midget opens his mouth again, 'What does it mean?' At this point, I realize that he thinks I was yelling at him. Fucking self-centered circus freaks sometimes. I say, 'Dude, it DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. It's not even anything that has to do with you.' He gives me this look like I just obliterated his soul or something equally depraved and he says, 'FINE. WHATever.' Who the hell cares if I want to yell shit out randomly in a bar? Random means IT'S NOT ABOUT ANYTHING, people. It has nothing to do with you. It's something I said, and IT WASN'T GODDAMN ABOUT YOU. On that note, did anyone go and see Fahrenheit 911 over the weekend? I did. It was a very funny and sad movie. I know Michael Moore is getting a lot of shit talked about him; that he's a communist, or a socialist, or that he doesn't have his facts straight... but isn't it like a basic human right to be able to express personal opinions, no matter what they are about? You are entitled to your opinion that you don't like his movies, and what he has to say about the American President and the world post- September 11th 2001. He's entitled to his opinion too. I fucking don't get this world most of the time. I don't bust anybody's balls for saying things that are anti-what-I-believe-in. Unless you're telling me that you're right and I'm wrong. We're cool until you start thinking your opinion matters more than mine. Because it'll never be the other way around. No matter how much I rant and rave here and/or in real life, I believe too much in the greater good to actually think I'm better or more correct than the other guy. And no, you still don't get to know who gets my vote. The end.

Friday, June 25, 2004

I am bored. So bored that I am seriously considering faking an illness just to leave early. But for what? The weather has definitely turned worse- I was sitting outside at lunch and I had to come back in because the goddamned clouds were blocking out the sun. I got one e-mail today about how someone else can't go out tonight. And another that seemed promising, but then I read further down and my options for going out on Saturday were a) watching a movie, b) going out for dinner, or c) playing board games. There wasn't an option e) go out to the bar and tie one on. Maybe nobody wants to babysit my drunk ass. Who could blame them? You know what sucks even worse? I just looked at the clock and it's a quarter after one . That's so disappointing. My Thursdays really have tripled. It was bound to happen sooner or later.

you are the most; you're so rad, you're so fresh 

After eating half a roast chicken last night, I had time to digest and think... and you know, I don't care if my friends are lame. At least I'm not. I don't know why it never occured to me earlier, but I used to spend a lot of time going out by myself just so I could talk to different people. Honestly, put me in a room full of strangers and at the end of the night, you'd never know I wasn't part of the group to begin with. I think the reason this whole friend lame-osity thing pisses me off is that there's no reason for them to be lame. No one's old. No one has kids that they have to look after. No one has to work on the weekend. No one is fucking allergic to alcohol. My mother once asked me why I sometimes hang out with people a lot younger than myself. I told her, because I'm not OLD. But everybody my age seems to think they're so goddamned adult . And that's not for me. With all of that self-absorbed whining out of the way... it is once again EPD Friday. Thank Jebus... I was starting to think maybe Thursdays had TRIPLED and I was going to get stuck in a purgatory of weeks that only contained one day looping around for eternity. But that's not the case. So, take a swig from that not-so-well-hidden alcohol (I know that's a 50/50 in that Diet Coke bottle), maybe run out to the parking lot for a toke, and then put your feet up (but not so far up if your boss can see) and enjoy EPD Friday. I know I will.

Ten Things To Do To Get Fired From a Job You Hate (Doesn't apply to my job, though. My job rocks your ass. That's right. Yours.)

1) Instead of refilling the photocopier with toner, fill it with RED INK.
2) Tell your boss that you're pretty sure the Rogaine isn't working... and has he ever considered hair plugs?
3) Insist on using hard-core porn scenes as the wallpaper on your computer monitor. And make sure there are SOUNDS to go with it.
4) Fill the coffee maker with motor oil.
5) Always call your annoying co-worker a name that isn't hers/his when referring to her/him, especially in front of your boss. Example: 'Good morning, Skanky Bitch Whore!'
6) When your boss asks you if you have received the e-mail he/she sent you, always say no. Even if it gets sent five times.
7) Steal all the rolls of toilet paper from the washroom stalls, and keep them at your desk. If people ask you to return them, tell them you must charge them a fee per use. The fee should be no less than a dollar per four squares of paper.
8) Remove all blue and black pens from the supply room, and replace them with pink, purple, and green sparkle gel pens. Keep the blue and black ones in a jar on your desk.
9) Walk into the office of your boss, get up on a chair and start dancing insanely. When he/she asks you to get down, tell him/her that you already are 'getting down', 'what, are you fucking blind or something?
10) If none of the above tickles your fancy, well, you can always just steal shit from co-workers right in front of them . I'm told this works quite well if you really want to get fired.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Why the hell does no one ever want to go drinking anymore? I called everybody about a Friday night booze-o-rama... and ONE person has called me back. And she doesn't know if she can go out yet or not. Not that going out with the Boy and his friends is all that bad, but sometimes it's a little MUCH. The conversations start veering towards stuff I don't care/don't really want to talk about, and then it gets worse when a couple of them start fiending for blow. I'm sad that only two of the boys have girlfriends... I like when the girlfriends are around because at least I don't have to sit there discussing some chick's rack for two hours. But alas, the one guy and his girl are working up at the Lake, and they're moving to the Chuck come August, and the other guy and his girl run a landscaping company and are most of the time too tired to go out. And now my goddamned friends are too busy being LAME to ever go out on the tear with me. This is WHY I AM DESTINED TO DIE OF LIVER FAILURE IN A DITCH IN CANCUN AT THE AGE OF FIFTY, PEOPLE. Is it too much to ask for friends of my similar age to go out drinking with? Friends with... boobs? And not of the man variety? I mean, as much fun as hanging out with the guys can be, sometimes it's just more fun to get drunk and slutty with the girls. Fuck, I can't believe it's come to this. 27, and I have no life to speak of. Where the hell did I put the rest of that vodka?

in between molecules of oxygen and carbon dioxide 

I don't acknowledge Wednesday and Thursday as being seperate days. Because in my world, they're not. I always get halfway through Wednesday before looking up at the calendar on the wall and realizing that it isn't Thursday after all. You would think that after a couple of times of this happening, I would have learned to make the distinction. But, no. It happens week after week. Month after month. The thing is, it doesn't happen to me with any of the other days. Perhaps I am deficient of something, and this inability to tell Wednesday and Thrusday apart has something to do with this deficiency. That said, today is Thursday. THURSDAY. I mean, after years of going through an average of 'eight Thursdays a month' (in quotes due to the fact that the average/normal/well-adjusted human being only deals with four Thursdays per month, and I seem to be neither average, nor normal, nor well-adjusted), I know when it's Thursday. And yes, Thursday happens two fucking times per week. Shut up. And enjoy the dumb list I made for your reading pleasure.

My Faults, Flaws, and Oddities in Alphabet Form

A... Apathetic
B... Bitchy
C... Callous
D... Demented
E... Evil
F... Fucked up (that's a fault, right?)
G... Garrulous
H... Half-assed
I... Impossible
J... Jacent (I am sluggish.)
K... Kainotophobe (I fear change.)
L... Lazy
M... Maudlin (Only sometimes.)
N... Nonchalant
O... Obnoxious
P... Pain in the Ass
Q... Quarrelsome
R... Rambunctious
S... Shit disturber/Stoner (Come on, we all knew it was going to be a tie between these two for the 's' spot.)
T... Tempestuous
U... Unaccommodating
V... Voracious (Only sometimes.)
W... Warped (Not physically. Just mentally.)
X... Nothing starts with 'x'!
Y... Come to think of it, nothing really starts with 'y' either!
Z... Zombie-like (Hey, it got really difficult at 'x'. Gimme a break.)

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

we will write a postcard to our friends and family in free verse 

I have decided what I will blow one of my paycheques on this summer. No, not clothes and shoes... that's just a given. A surfboard. And I'm fairly serious. Why a surfboard? Isn't Cowtown a landlocked city? Aren't there mountains, but no ocean? I know, I know. Stupid, right? Well, maybe to some, but not to me. I do actually know how to surf. For real. I taught myself on holiday one time in Tofino. How good I am is another matter altogether (read: I suck. BAD. I can only stay on the board for a minute or two, and this is on relatively calm waters), but that's not the point. Okay... so the point is...??? Do you ever want to buy something that defeats practically every logical purpose imaginable just because life would be about a million times cooler if you were in possession of this object? If not, then don't bother reading any further. But if you can relate, then you will understand why I feel the 'need' to own a surfboard. I know I don't live near the ocean, and I don't pay the ocean very many visits these days, but maybe if I had the board sitting in my (really small and narrow) living room, I might be more inclined to make an effort to go on a holiday just so I could use it. Perhaps it would give me motivation to go out and 'do whatever I want because I can'... just the way I always used to. Like when I had my skateboard, even though all I could do was use it for transportation. Like when I went skydiving and didn't tell my parents. Like when I climbed up the side of a mountain in my skate shoes. Like when I ran away to California when I was fifteen. I'm not saying that I haven't grown up some. I have given up a certain amount of spontaneity to make way for more level-headed and adult decisions, and I don't really mind so much. But I still love Friday night beer. And nothing says 'relaxing' to me like that toke after work. I might seem a little more polished around the edges, but there are things that I feel that I need to hang on to because they are intrinsically me. And you know, even if I buy this surfboard and don't end up using it for the next three or six years, at least I will have it for when I have the urge to just buy a plane ticket and take off to somewhere sunny, with an ocean view. Just because I can.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

that way there's no way i will crush your pretty toenails into a thousand pieces 

I keep saying I will find a way to bring you more exciting posts. You must know, by now, that I have been lying through my fucking dental work. Yes, I like excitement as much as the next person... but I don't go looking for it if it's not right there under my nose to be had. My goals for the summer? Get in some good hikes. Many rounds of disc golf up at the Canmore course. Lying around in the sun drinking mint juleps (as soon as I find some motivation to make them). Hoping that more good musical acts come through Cowtown. Going to the gym and trimming down the ol' Molson Muscle (it took me some major convincing, but now I'm starting to realize that after college, beer guts aren't quite the objects of glory they once were. They're actually now just refered to as FAT). And swimming. Some road trips with my car (which, by the way, kicks some major ass on the highway. And people were giving me 'the look of confusion' for buying an Aveo...). Walking around in fun shoes and capri pants. Super Big Gulps... almost every night (and morning, as I have officially given up coffee again). Getting a haircut (I didn't want to at first because I insisted on growing it out, but upon looking at pictures of myself, I look five thousand times cuter with chin-length hair). Painting my toenails a million different times and colours (I know this seems pretty trivial to those of you who live in temperate climates, but the summers are short here, and you really have to take full advantage of every sunny day there is).
So maybe all of this is not tremendously exciting (well, not as exciting as... say... if there was suddenly a time warp, and I got to see a Led Zeppelin concert live and in the early 70's), but dude, it's summer. It's my time to kick back because it's not so busy at work, and it's nice outside, and I don't have to wear that goddamned goose down parka again until at least October. Things don't need to be exciting for me to enjoy them. With that said (quite verbosely- is that a 'nibisi', Paulzy?- indeed), and what with me being the 'list whore' that I am... I now declare Tuesdays to be Top Three Tuesdays. You know... for lack of anything better to do.

Top Three...

... non-alcoholic beverages that I kind of like
1) Diet Coke with Lime
2) Vietnamese iced coffee
3) Thai iced tea

... books I've read recently that were really good
1) Life of Pi by Yann Martel
2) The Salmon of Doubt by Douglas Adams
3) Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin

... movies that I'd like to see this summer
1) Spiderman 2
2) Farenheit 911
3) The Village

Monday, June 21, 2004

all along the undertow is strengthening its hold 

It's funny how these days, my life seems to be measured out in weekends, since my weekdays are all fused together like some giant metal sculpture. I can't tell Monday from Thursday half the time. I only ever normally remember what I did if it happened to be a Saturday or a Sunday. Friday nights? If they involve copious amounts of alcohol, I find myself having to ask various individuals what the hell went on. Blah. So, this past weekend was pretty good, since I can actually remember what I did (well, some of Friday night is a little foggy, but I attribute the fogginess to the partying in Banff (in the actual town, not out in the woods with the bears). Banff is so much fun- even the bars that remind me of shitty, meat market-y bars in Calgary are fun. And you don't end up feeling stupid or embarrassed for having gone to any of them. I didn't really enjoy the hangover I woke up with on Saturday morning (which forced me to miss my planned round of disc golf in Canmore), but when I woke up a couple of hours later, I was good to go for a swim at the Quarry:
Quarry Lake, Canmore Alberta
That night, I rented '50 First Dates' (starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore). The Boy was a little apprehensive at first, because he absolutely cannot stand Drew Barrymore, but I reminded him that he didn't not like 'The Wedding Singer', which featured the same pairing. Anyway, he liked it as much as I did. And now we both want a dancing walrus as a pet. The end.

Friday, June 18, 2004

my name is jonas, and i'm carrying the wheel 

Dude... do you know what day it is? Uh huh. Yep. It's E[vil]P[arallel]D[imension] Friday. Oh yeah. For some reason, it seems to me like there was one not long ago, but then again that could just be the weed speaking to me. Oh yeah, that shit talks to me. Asleep or awake. It don't matter. Anyway... where was I? Oh, right. EPD Friday and, undoubtedly, THE LIST. I understand that these lists are getting a little bit repetitive, but I am seriously doing all that I can to correct this. For real. I am trying to live a life more exciting (by like twenty-fold) so that I may provide more material for all of you guys to read here at ILJ. So far, the excitement has been that I went to the gym one extra day this week. Yes, I know. Boo, hiss. I am sucking badly at this excitement business. But I promise that I will try to get up to some shenanigans over the weekend. I will try hard to make them unrelated to booze. How Rudy Ray would that be; if I could actually pull off misadventure without the liquid gold we refer to as beer? Ah, it's a thought for the future. But the future ain't now. Enough verbosity. On with the list.

Ten Things You Could Drink Instead of Alcohol

1) Antifreeze (I hear this one kills dogs, but I'm not so sure about its effect on humans.)
2) Milk (Yeah, maybe you can drink this one, but I sure can't. I somehow just do not like milk. It TOTALLY tastes like it came out of a COW.)
3) Gasoline (It's not unheard of. I mean, I once swallowed a good mouthful while siphoning gas out of some rich dude's car. Not exactly tasty stuff.)
4) Water (Hey, I've got nothing bad to say about water. It killed my dependance on Tylenol and/or Aspirin for hungover days.)
5) Piss (This is for all those people out there who constantly tell me that 'beer tastes like piss'. I want to know how you know this. PEE DRINKER.)
6) Hot Sauce (I know someone who once drank a bottle of Tabasco sauce on a dare when they were 17. And it wasn't me. It wasn't. Yeah, it was.)
7) Vinegar (I don't really know why I added this one. It seemed to want to go hand in hand with 'piss'.)
8) Nail Polish Remover (I mean, how could anyone resist that lovely we-tried-to-mask-the-smell-of-ether-with-the-scent-of-strawberries-or-lemons fragrance that emanates from the bottle upon opening it?)
9) Windex (Dude, everytime I see a bottle of Windex, I have this overwhelming urge to just pound it. Admit it, you do too.)
10) Windshield Washer Fluid (Same appeal as Windex. Bigger bottle.)

Obviously this list is so very not serious. OBVIOUSLY. Who the fuck would ever drink Windex?
Later.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

when i'm away she never leaves the house 

I feel another copout post coming on... wait for it... okay, here it comes... yep, it's here. The Thursday Copout. C'mon, admit it- you know you want it.
I bought the greatest shoes EVER last night. Not quite the stilettos-that-could-double-as-weapons that I had in mind, but these were cute and on sale. No, you really can't beat that combo. Here they are:

Nice, huh? They're not the exact pair that I bought from Aldo (I had to substitute a pic of the ones Urban Outfitters was selling), mine actually have shiny green insides, as opposed to blue. But, whatever. Close enough. I can't wait for an excuse to wear them out (I'd wear 'em to work, but it's so casual around here). I think the excuse is that tomorrow is Friday. Good enough for me.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

somebody's cold one is giving me chills 

I just watched something last night that is UNREAL. Unreal in that I nearly pissed myself laughing while watching it. We (the Boy and myself) went up to the mall yesterday to go look for some DVD's to buy. We ended up getting 'Cheech and Chong's Up In Smoke' and 'Conan: The Complete Quest'. We ate dinner while watching Cheech and Chong, and then we watched the 'Conan' DVD. Now, this special DVD gives you the option of watching 'Conan The Barbarian' in its entirety, with running commentary from director John Milius... and Ah-nahld Schwarzenegger. The things that John Milius has to say are quite interesting; lots about the location, what else had been filmed in the same location previously, and why certain shots were filmed the way they were. Then, you get AH-NAHLD saying things that are completely... STUPID. There's no other word. I am AH-NAHLD. I will now hyp-MO-tize you.How this dude ended up governor of California is a complete and utter mystery to me, because it's obvious that the lights may be on, but there's definitely nobody home. Just hearing him say 'hyp-MO-tize' (which, by the way, is actually meant to be hyp-NO-tize) was way too much. I laughed until I bloody cried. And my eyes pretty much fucking fell out from crying. I don't know if I've seen/heard anything this goddamned hilarious in my entire life. And now that we OWN this thing, I can watch/listen over and over again until the novelty of it wears off. And I think it'll be a pretty long stretch before it wears off for me.

* * * * * *

Me and He as South Park Characters

What do you mean my eyes are red? No, it's not a joint, what kind of person do you think I am? Beer? There's more beer in the fridge.
Baby, are we at the Sev yet? I'm hungry.

And one more thing because I am bored.

The ABC's of Me

Act your age? Please. I could have invented immaturity.
Born on what day of the week? Thursday
Chore you hate? All of them equally.
Dad’s name? Tom
Essential makeup item? I don't wear makeup unless I'm going out because I'm allergic. So, toenail polish. I know it doesn't really count.
Favorite actor? I don't have just one. Next!
Gold or silver? Silver. Gold just does not look right on me.
Hometown? Like, where I was born? North York (now actually just TDot), Ontario. Where I live? Calgary.
Instruments you play? Viola and violin. I can kind of play the flute and piano too, but really not well at all.
Job title? Junior Geoscience Technician. Translates into 'digital draftsperson'.
Kids? Hell, no.
Living arrangements? I live with my boyfriend and one of our friends.
Mom’s name? Terry
Need? Some pretty new high-heeled shoes.
Overnight hospital stays? One. I concussed myself running into a goal post, and I stayed overnight so the doctors could make sure I was really okay.
Phobias? Heights that are not secure. I have no problem standing on top of a tall building, but I hate the thought of rock climbing, since you are only supported by a rope.
Quote you like? "I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." -Stephen Wright
Religious affiliation? Former Catholic. Current Nothing.
Siblings? One brother.
Time you wake up? Usually 7 in the a.m.
Unique talent? None that I know of. A lot of people possess the same talents as I do.
Vegetable you refuse to eat? Radishes. Ugh.
Worst habit? Biting my nails or cracking my knuckles. Both very bad and gross habits.
X-rays you’ve had? One. Of my foot when I thought I had broken a toe. Nothing was broken.
Yummy food you make? Chili
Zodiac Sign? Capricorn


Tuesday, June 15, 2004

thinking of words for my silent lips 

Sometimes I post simply because I think that I need to. Because what's the point of keeping this blog open if I'm only going to update it once every couple of months, right? But the truth is, I'm not the type of person who can post every single aspect of my life for people to read. I have to be pretty vague about most things because in a lot of cases, it's just not cool to put something up on my blog for access by the general public if the situation involves people who may not want their trials and tribulations tacked up for all the world to read about. I guess that the point I'm trying to make here is that I don't mean to post boring shit. But a couple of things that happened over the weekend involve friends who don't blog, and are just not comfortable with strangers reading about their lives on the internet. And I completely respect that. Yeah. So, don't get pissed if my posts are all about how many things I hate, or how boring work is, or how much weed I smoke on a daily basis. Because other than those random spikes of drama that sometimes pop up throughout my life, stuff for me is pretty fucking basic and boring all the time. Not that I won't post about the dramatic crap; it's just that I won't post it if it's happening in the here and now. The past is the past and can't be changed, so I may as well write about it, but the present... well, there are a lot of ways that things can get better and be changed. If I leave them off my blog. Just think of ::i lit a joint...:: as the 'abbreviated' version of me. And leave it at that.

Monday, June 14, 2004

connect the dots and do your time 

Major shit went down over the weekend, but I am not at liberty to discuss that in the blog world, since I don't know who the next person will be who finds this thing. Let's just say that sometimes words escape my mouth before my brain even has the chance to evaluate whether or not said words are a good idea. Yeah, I'm a special kind of stupid sometimes. But just because I said it doesn't make it open season for you. For real.

True story:
They got married, got matching tattoos that read, 'US AGAINST THE WORLD', and went travelling around Europe together. No one ever said anything to him, but she was always asked why her tattoo said 'U.S. AGAINST THE WORLD'. Poor girl. That shit is rough.

Friday, June 11, 2004

you're a few years overdue; i spent them waiting here for you 

So. Ten year reunion tomorrow night. I think I have already mentioned this once before, but I'm not going. I think I actually have better things to do with my time, like going to the Ship and drinking my ass off. I had toyed with the idea of going, but I honestly believe that it would be a travesty for someone as outspoken and individualistic as myself to attend an event as contrived as a 'reunion'. Because these people and me? We were never 'united'. Hell, many of us weren't even friends. Or enemies. Fuck, half of us were not even aquaintances. So, my absence from this 'reunion' will not be out of protest (contrary to popular belief), but rather 'due to lack of interest'. Especially since my prime interest on any given weekend involves many rounds of Stolis and Soda, with a few Freight Trains thrown in for good measure. That's what it's all about. For real.

* * * * * *

EPD Friday. No, I'm not saying what it stands for. Here's the list, DUDE.

Ten Things I Fucking Hate (Yeah, so I think I've made this list before, but WHO CARES? It's not your blog.)

1) This stupid vibrating noise the wall is making right next to my computer, that is SO GODDAMN LOUD that I don't even want to do work for the hour and fifteen I have left.
2) Skinny girls who think they've got it goin' on. I mean, there is definitely 'wow, you're a hot piece of ass' skinny, and then there's 'go fucking fry up a steak in a pan, drink the fat that emanates from it and then eat the steak before you shrivel up and die' skinny. Can we say 'ew'?
3) Girls who can't apply makeup properly, yet insist on wearing it. I mean, I don't care if you look like Jabba the Hutt with no makeup on- that's totally not my problem- but it's also super offensive if you wear lipliner that doesn't match your lipstick. Oh yeah, and people LAUGH AT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.
4) While we're on this topic, girls who wear foundation and you can see the difference in colour between their FACE and their NECK. WTF?
5) People [Canadians all] who bitch about my incessant drinking of MGD, and then go and order a bottle of Molson Canadian. I don't CARE if I-Am-Canadian... I still don't drink dog piss.
6) Idiots who ask me why I bought a Chevy Aveo instead of [insert other brand/model of car here]. Who asked you? Do you even have a car? It's a hell of a lot better than your shitty, rusted out ten-speed bike with the busted chain.
7) That it's not time to go home and get drunk yet.
8) Asking the sales girl at a store if she can go find a bigger size of pants for me, and having her go 'Oh, but you can't possibly need a bigger size, you look about the same size as me', and she's some skinny bitch with no ass. Yeah, MAYBE we're the same size TECHNICALLY, but I have something called an ASS. A-S-S. Need me to spell it again?
9) Shopping for SWIMSUITS.
10) The fact that it is already JUNE and I am still pale and look like I'm dying of THE SARS or something heinous like that.

and no, i am not going back and doing a spell/grammar check. no one else bothers to spell things properly, so i'm gonna give y'all a taste of yer own medicine because i am EVIL.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

shivering in the cold, bitter and alone 

I just watched the funniest fucking DVD last night (yes ... a DVD and not a VHS tape). It was this animated film from Montreal(??? WTF, I totally watched the extras and I should know this) called Les Triplettes de Belleville, or if you're not so keen on the French language, The Triplets of Belleville. Not very much dialogue, but the animation was awesome, and the characters were off the hook. I don't even want to tell you what it was about because I want you to go find this movie and watch it for yourself. It just amazed me that I was so enthralled by an animated film that relies primarily on ambient sound to draw in the viewer. Seriously, go rent this if you can. For real.

Update on this stupid map I'm currently working on: go back to sleep dude. Because I still can fix these goddamn lines that don't intersect. They are still buggered, so stop rubbernecking and get on with it. Nothing to see here.

So, our main T.V. doesn't work to watch cable on unless it is connected to a VCR. Apparently (according to the friend who gave us the T.V.) the cable element DOES work; it just requires a few minutes to get going. I would like to interject here and say that, NO, IT DOES NOT WORK. I know this because the Boy tried it the other day, and I came home from my brother's university graduation ceremony to find said Boy passed out the couch, and the T.V. screen in white noise. He said he had been waiting for the cable element to warm up, and had fallen asleep during this wait. Five hours. So, I am going to have to say that WE WAS BAMBOOZLED. Bottom line, for real. Okay, so I can already hear you people asking why the hell then do we not just reconnect the television to the VCR ::fucking idiots... why did they disconnect the damn thing in the first place?:: . No, we are not idiots. OBVIOUSLY we would never normally unhook the two, seeing as how IT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT WE CAN WATCH CABLE (okay, so we have another T.V. in the basement, but you can't adjust the colour on that one, and the remote is AWOL). So, I'm going to explain it all to you. The T.V. is not connected to the VCR because the VCR is not at our house right now. It is at the home of our friend who was in a very serious climbing accident two weeks ago. He was climbing up a rock face when a hold broke loose. Instead of just a shard of rock breaking off, however, it ended up being a 40-pound boulder that crashed into his leg. Needless to say, he had to be rescued by a helicopter. He also had to have massive surgery on his leg to have metal rods put into it. Now he is reduced to sitting around at home due to the fact that he can't work or climb for the rest of the summer. He doesn't have a VCR because he never really had the use for one previously, what with him never being at home and shit. So we felt sorry for him and consequently loaned him ours. And it completely skipped ours minds that we actually did need it to watch cable. Anyway, because I just fucking rambled for this entire post about electronics, the Boy's folks are actually sending us their VCR because they never use it. It will be here tomorrow. See? Isn't this all so exciting and informative (read: WAY too much information)? The end.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

last cigarettes are all you can get 

So what am I going to do as a career? Umm... let me see. How about not have one? The end.

Okay, not the end. I got this list in an e-mail from someone, and thought it was somehow appropriate, since today's theme for me seems to be doing shit-all.

If I Were...

If I were a month, I would be: July or December
If I were a time of day, I would be: noon or 10 p.m.
If I were a planet, I would be: Pluto or the moon
If I were a sea animal, I would be: an octopus or squid
If I were a direction, I would be: up
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: an old, ripped up, weed-smelling sofa, or quite possibly a la-z-boy recliner
If I were a sin, I would be: obviously SLOTH
If I were a historical figure, I would be: rasputin
If I were a stone, I would be: a stoner (oh wait, i already am)
If I were a tree, I would be: a redwood
If I were a bird, I would be: a crow, the carrier of peoples' souls
If I were a tool, I would be: i wouldn't be a tool. in fact, i'm currently not a tool, but i can't speak for other people
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: a dandelion
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: a typhoon
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a dragon
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a viola
If I were an animal, I would be: a fat, lazy cat that lies around all day and does nothing
If I were a color, I would be: blue or orange
If I were an emotion, I would be: apathy
If I were a vegetable, I would be: lying in the hospital hooked up to a respirator and heart monitor and such
If I were a sound, I would be: psychotic laughter
If I were a car, I would be: a 1965 Jaguar XKE Roadster
If I were a song, I would be: The Great Beyond by REM
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: Quentin Tarantino (for extra violence and over-the-top-ness)
If I were a book, I would be written by: Wally Lamb or Rohinton Mistry
If I were a food, I would be: sushi AND indian food
If I were a place, I would be: a desert
If I were a material, I would be: made into clothing
If I were a taste, I would be: bad taste
If I were a scent, I would be: the smell of napalm in the morning
If I were a religion, I would be: a cult, yo
If I were a word, I would be: fuck or megalomaniacal
If I were an object, I would be: pretty fucking pissed off about it
If I were a body part, I would be: disappointed if i were the bottom of a foot or an ass or something
If I were a facial expression, I would be: a scowl
If I were a subject in school, I would be: art
If I were a comic book character, I would be: the punisher
If I were a shape, I would be: a circle
If I were a number, I would be: kind of upset that i didn't have a name

And because I am super extra bored right now (and because I can't get this damned line to extend on the shit I'm working on, and I've been trying for an hour now), I bring you this:

My Top Three...

... foods
1) sushi
2) Indian
3) Vietnamese (subs or otherwise)

... articles of clothing
1) Motley Crue rhinestone t-shirt
2) pink cords
3) blood-red leather pants

... bands of all time
1) the Pixies
2) Wilco
3) the Doors

... things to buy at the grocery store
1) cheese
2) Vitasoy green tea flavoured soy beverage
3) Granny Smith apples

... weird but kinda good movies
1) Bubba Ho-Tep
2) Brazil
3) Magnolia

... board games
1) Scrabble
2) Risk
3) Trivial Pursuit/Monopoly (tie)

... dessert foods
1) chocolate
2) ice cream
3) papaya with lime juice

... alcoholic beverages
1) MGD (bottle, not on tap)
2) Stoli/Absolut and Sodas (various flavours)
3) Pisco sours (with a cherry)

... things to do today
1) get back to work
2) go to the gym
3) rent a DVD to watch (yeah, we finally got a DVD player)

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

2004 Stanley Cup 

I would like to take this opportunity to thank the Calgary Flames for an excellent season, and for making hockey exciting for Cowtown once again. It was a hell of a ride, guys. I also would like to extend my congratulations to the 2004 Stanley Cup Champions, the Tampa Bay Lightning; good job on your first Stanley Cup ever! Don't worry y'all, the Flames'll be back next year...

Monday, June 07, 2004

I'm stealing this idea from Victor because I suck.


10... Bands You've Seen Live
1. Cheap Trick
2. Nomeansno
3. Tool
4. Ben Harper
5. Weezer
6. Wilco
7. Modest Mouse
8. Nashville Pussy
9. Van Halen
10. Metallica

9... Things You're Looking Forward To
1. Being skinny (yeah, right)
2. The end of the day
3. Sleeping
4. Going to hell
5. Pay day
6. The new Wilco CD
7. Taking these shoes off
8. Having a shower
9. The hockey game

8... Things You Wear Daily
1. A scowl
2. Contacts or glasses
3. footwear
4. pants/shorts/skirt
5. earrings
6. lipgloss
7. pit stick
8. hand lotion

7 Things That Annoy You
1. Unemployment for no other reason than that you're a motherfucker
2. People calling, getting my voicemail, then not leaving a message
3. Stupidity
4. Ultimate frisbee
5. Being bored
6. People who swim really, really, rre-aall-lll-lyyy slowly in the fast lane in front of me at the pool (there's a slow lane, asshole, or don't you read English?)
7. People who can't do anything without at least one other person being there with them

6... Things You Touch Every Day
1. My hair
2. My computer/keyboard
3. My toothbrush
4. My boyfriend
5. My car
6. My remote for the boob tube

5... Things You Do Every Day
1. Swear
2. Complain
3. Procrastinate
4. Eat
5. Pee

4... Of Your Favorite Musicians or Bands
1. Wilco
2. OutKast
3. Tom Waits
4. Beastie Boys

3... Movies You Could Watch Over and Over
1. Army of Darkness
2. Princess Mononoke
3. Star Wars

2... Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment
1. Bad Day by REM
2. Titty Twister by Diesel Boy

1... Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With
1. Myself

Friday, June 04, 2004

i'm gonna hit you on the face, i'm gonna punch you in your glasses 

I am getting kind of annoyed lately with people saying they are bored, and don't want to 'sit around all day, like we always do'. I suppose that's not so bad in itself, but these same people always reject any suggestions I make, and also cannot come up with adequate suggestions themselves. See, when you're going to bitch about sitting around watching T.V. and wanting to get out and do something... AT LEAST HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT TO DO! Or at least say yes to what I want to do. I know that all of this seems a little trivial to be getting the rage about, but it sometimes makes me wonder if I'd be better off making new friends that are more decisive. Not that I am always the most decisive of individuals, but I'm definitely not the waffliest person either. You KNOW how much I LOVE wafflers, too. Honestly, somedays I feel like life would be a lot simpler if the only friend I had was me. In theory, that should work out perfectly. But you know... it's just an idea. It's not like I'm actually that much of a hermit. Blah.

* * * * * *

Okay, at least I got the rant out of the way first thing. Yay for that! Now on to other things. I had almost forgotten that it is EPD (Evil Parallel Dimension) Friday today- not that anyone really cares about that besides me. But who gives a shit? I am entitled to do whatever I want to do (and if you don't believe me, have a read through my 'About' section. That should clear everything up nicely for you); even create a fictional 'non-holiday' christened after 'the other side of the mirror'. So there. Now on to the Friday list. I would encourage anybody who reads to comment with lists of their own... because I know lots of people will agree with me that you can never have too many lists. For real. With no further delay...

Ten Things Piss Me Off (And My Probably Unwanted, Yet Necessary, Comments)

1) Those insipid girls who show their boobs to everybody after the Flames win a game. (It was funny at first, now I kind of just hope that these girls still live at home, and that their mothers find the pictures on the 'Flames Girls' website and yell at them about suffrage, and the years and years that women fought for equality- all to have it go down the drain in one fell swoop just for a little unnecessary attention from the boys. Goddamn, my mom would be proud of me if she ever read that sentence.)
2) When I spend an hour telling a story and someone tells me they 'didn't get it' at the end. (You know what? Fuck you. I am not going back and explaining every single little detail to you since you didn't have the decency to pay attention in the first place. Get a bloody attention span, and let me know when it's up and running.)
3) People who ask me why I wear hats all the time. (Do I ever ask you why you wear the same ugly shoes all the time? Or, for that matter, why your hairstyle never changes and always looks like ass? Didn't think so.)
4) Anyone who is amazed that I am able to pay all my bills on time and still have money left over to drink/buy weed/buy food with. (It's called keeping track of your money. And it's not rocket science or neurosurgery, by the way. You should try it sometime.)
5) Recently, people who look at my car with envy, and wonder how a ghetto dweller such as myself can afford such a nice ride. (It's all about not spending my entire paycheque on hookers and blow. Or CRACK.)
6) Really stupid people who pretend to be smart because they think it might impress me somehow. (I am NOT impressed. By the way. Because when you try to superficially raise yourself to my level of intellect, it comes off as no more than self mockery. And you know, I totally will relay everything to you in layman's terms. Just so you don't end up coming off as a sketched out moron. I am THAT nice of a person.)
7) The misspelling and/or misuse of the following words:
'their', 'there', 'they're', 'definitely', 'weird', 'here', 'hear', 'writing'... I'm sorry if you are not a good speller, but I guess I just can't understand how people still spell horribly when dictionaries exist. And you didn't drop out of school in grade two. (There are NO SUCH WORDS as 'DEFINANTLY' or 'DEFINATELY'.)
8) When people ask me if the viola is like the cello. Then when I say no, they ask if it's like a double bass. (Maybe this one isn't all together justified, but you have to realize that it gets really annoying that when people KNOW I play the viola but they have no clue what one is, they don't just go to the library or look on the internet or something. It makes it even worse that I'm ghetto. Ghetto-er than some of the people who ask the offending question.)
9) Friends who get mad at me when we are supposed to go out and do something but I 'never got back to them', and 'why didn't you call me?'. (Wow, where do I start with this one? Yeah, I DID call you, but your roomie/mom/brother said you'd stepped out. And when I called back two hours later, same thing. So, I went out without you. If you don't want this happening again in the future, I am going to strongly suggest you getting a cellphone, or if that doesn't suit you, just staying at bloody home until I call, instead of galivanting around town while I call three or four times and then getting angry when you get home ten hours later and claim that I never tried to get ahold of you.)
10) People who don't drink. And not because they're recovering alcoholics, or they're allergic to alcohol or something. (Sorry, there are just certain things that go beyond my realm of comprehension. People who don't get liquored even once in awhile are totally sketch, if you ask me. It makes me feel like they could be part of some
'Heaven's Gate' kind of thing. I can't explain it better than that- something about it is just WRONG. It's kind of, well, ICKY. Like a 30-year-old virgin. Fucking... yikes.)

Thursday, June 03, 2004

kilroy was here 

Ville Nieminen Suspended for Game 5!
I'm not going to apologize for yet another hockey post... because hockey is so goddamn Rudy Ray*** it's sick. I am, however, going to apologize in advance if you are just finding my blog by accident (not a regular reader... duh), and don't really get my sense of humour and, thus, become offended with anything I have to say. Just don't put a bounty on my head and hunt me down, soldier of fortune! SO... my beef de jour is about the Nieminen one game suspension. If I might express my honest opinion; WTMF??? I mean, Lecavalier wasn't even really hurt. And besides, no one even bloody cares about Lecavalier anyway 'cause he's a damn sissy who doesn't know how to do up his own helmet. How about bitch slapping him with a penalty for being a sucky-ass drama queen? Now that's an idea for you. And I DO NOT WANT TAMPA BAY TO WIN TONIGHT! Down with T-Bay! Because hockey is a CANADIAN game, bitch, and the Flames deserve to bring the cup home. Now, if you think I'm out of line... I completely disagree. I just take the Stanley Cup playoffs really seriously; as seriously as the Superbowl, dude. For real. And hockey is all about showing support for your boys HARD CORE, even if it means talking trash about the other team a little bit. GO FLAMES! I know you can't hear it, but it actually sounds ear-splittingly loud when I yell it in my office. Yay for linoleum floors, brick walls, and plaster ceilings. So not soundproof.


Rudy Ray Moore is 'Dolemite'!*** 'Rudy Ray' is a direct reference to Blaxploitation actor Rudy Ray Moore, and is a phrased coined by myself to imply the coolness/awesomemess/dopeness of something. Moore is the star of such movies as 'Avenging Disco Godfather' and 'Dolemite'. If you don't know what I'm talking about... look it up on the 'net. I ain't got no time to explain this shit to y'all.


Wednesday, June 02, 2004

I may as well post this link in case any of you want to see something really funny. At least I thought it was funny.

Hooked On A Feeling...

I couldn't stop laughing. Maybe that's just the drugs. Meh.

she is your marrow, and your ride home 

I had to temporarily take down the squid and drink pics, since I was having troubles loading my page. I'll try to put them up again soon (because my page looks oddly empty without them), but I can't promise I'll remember. I'm pretty busy today. You know how it is.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

rollin' down the street smoking indo, sipping on gin and juice 

New car! Can you say exciting ? So cool to finally have a vehicle that a) I don't have to let run for ten minutes everytime I start it so that the engine stops rattling, b) accelerates quickly enough so I can pass pretty much every car on the road without me having to give it so much gas that the tank goes empty, c) causes random dudes to wave at me in the rearview mirror, d) is actually new, and not just 'new to me'. I'm too damn excited to post very much more. And besides, it's only Tuesday. I have plenty of time to post something more interesting and significant. So there.

Flames lost 1-0 last night. WTMF kind of score is that?